I press my hand to the window.
I feel the frantic heartbeat.
     Is that mine?
    Or the pulse of the world I long to join?

i love the way your eyes move across my face
and the way you hold your breath and giggle right before i kiss your nose
and how we lay in your bed for hours when we know we have other plans
and i love the way you say my name
and how you started texting me "i love you:)" as soon as you get home
i love the way we don't care about the same things
i love how you say sorry so many times just to get a reaction out of me
i love the way you tickle me until i cant breathe, only to kiss me right after
i love the way you bury your face into the pillow when i tell you how perfect you are
and the way you look me in the eyes when you tell me you love me
i love how you always leave me speechless when you compliment me
i love how you always make funny faces in pictures
and how you always seem to fall asleep on me
i love how you hold me tighter than ever when you have nightmares
and how you could probably convince me of almost anything
i love how you make me feel good about myself when no one else can
and the way your freckles connect like constellations
and how your eyes turn different shades of green
i love how you're a perfect fit to everything i've ever wanted
i love how i can never be mad at you
and the clothes you wear
and the video games you always play
i love how you always make me laugh and smile
i love how you inspire me
i love how you always try to be a better person
and how cute you look when you're sleeping
i love having you to talk to
and how you're always worth the poetry
i love how my thoughts always run to you
and the way you laugh
i love hearing about your dreams, the good and the bad
i love the way your perfect smell finds its way to my clothing
and how you create circles on my hands with your thumbs
i love the way you feel right next to me in the middle of the night
and hearing your voice slowly drift off as you fall asleep
i love how passionate you are
and how you write things for me
and how i always get butterflies when i walk up to you
i love that you're the best part of me
and how i feel the need to make you feel like you're my entire world
i love sneaking out in the middle of the night with you
and how your arms wrap tightly around me when i tell you i love you
i love how we can talk about absolutely anything
and how talented you are
and how when we talk about the things you love, your eyes show it too
i love getting lost with you, and how it seems to be the only thing i know how to do anymore
i love hearing you sing
i love how you're kinda scared of scary movies
and how all of your least favorite things about yourself are my favorites
i love walking with you hand-in-hand
and showing you off to the rest of the world
i love how much you believe in me
and hearing about your day
and how easily you can make me blush
i love how i feel so lucky
i love looking at you
and feeling your warmth against my body
i love your face when you're concentrating
and staying awake at night thinking about you
i love the way you look at me
and i love kissing every part of you
i love all of the memories i have with you
and the very few pictures we have with each other
i love your eyelashes
and the way you mock me
i love when you lean your head on my shoulder
i love how reality is better than any dream i could ever have
and how you run your fingers through your hair
and how i'm all yours
i love how handsome you are
and how your hair feels against my face
and how i love you  more everyday
i love how we have so many places to go together
and looking at the night sky with you
i love how you can be yourself around me
and hearing your voice call after me
and the feeling of your skin against mine
i love how perfect you are for me
and how i miss you as soon as you're out of sight
i love how all of the happy songs make me think of you
and how you play with my hair
and how you notice small things
and the way your soft hands feel
i love the way i can hear your heartbeat when my head is on your chest
and how you put your hand on my leg when we're driving anywhere
i love when you talk about me in your sleep
and how you try to shield me from the rain
and the way your lips feel against mine
and how silly you are
and how you tell me your secrets
and how cute your **** is in my favorite jeans
i love how you always listen to me
and how you'll do anything to make me happy
and the way you kiss me when i'm in the middle of talking
i love how we say the same thing at the same time and laugh for what seems like forever
and when you hug me from behind
and when you whisper in my ear
and how i'll never be able to finish this list

You could have heard
The wingbeat of a wingless bird
I was frozen in place
Stiff, with a stone for a face
Legs heavy as mountain sized blocks of granite
Probably not a force on this planet
Could have moved me, at least I doubt it

After all the hate you’ve radiated
All the silence you’ve created
I am welded to the wall at my back
Not strong enough to
Take the two steps that it’d take to
Walk over and sit next to you
Tell you how many things
I wish that I could take back
But you do the thing I can’t
The last thing I think you’d want
You get up, walk, take two steps and stop
Sudden.
Sit facing me
A face I never thought I’d see
Look at me again
Especially not with that spark in your smile
It
It always told me when
Your smile was real

My eyes trace
Every inch of your face
In glances
Glances like the dances
Of shadows chased away by midnight
Broken by firelight
Yours trace mine

I take in the complex mix
Of tears hiding in your eyes
Shifting glances sliding by
Subtle smiles bursting I
Think I see a remnant of friendship
Hoping just a little bit
Hoping for a hope, that’s it
Think the (soft ,strong, wavy, weak)
Punctuation of our voices when we speak
Reveals it almost perfectly

I chew on every word I hear
With every word I speak
And the whole time we’ve been talking
My heartbeat has been shaking my rigid body loose
Stone skin sloughing off
As if I were a cement snake
(I feel like a snake)
(in the background)
(and in the background I think)
(this might be the feeling that makes)
(both our smiles sneak off our face)

We speak in broken sentences
And repeat ourselves
And speak in
Broken sentences
It sounds to me like
Words begging to be heard
Being heard again
Again
But for the first time

Turning over reaching out
the moans slowly fade
with the realization
that beside her lay
nothing but air
she takes that in deeply
and with a smile goes on

Waking up
rubbing the sleep from her eyes
to her instinctive surprise
she can't find her glasses
laughing it off
knowing she doesn't need them
she gets up anyway

Still slightly half asleep
and images not as clear as they are usually
she stumbles into the bathroom
where she regularly brushes her teeth
not being able to find the toothpaste
she laughs it off
she must have simply forgotten to get more
after running out
seeing this as nothing
to make a bad morning over

Tiptoeing to the kitchen
in the cold, she hugs herself
blinking in the bright light
not quite ready to face it all
her muscle memory kicks in
automatically she reaches for the
coffee maker, and finds it has disappeared.
sighing she finds contentment
in heating up a leftover cup from the fridge.

This being the third thing,
and maybe partly the caffeine
she starts to become flustered
her mind starts trailing off into
different scenarios of what could be taking place
she tries her best to examine her surroundings
maybe she is in the wrong house
she goes to the front door
to check for an apocalypse
and finds joggers, then children playing down the street
making sounds of frustration she closes herself off to the world
she walks back through the house trying to see
a sense of entitlement washes over her
this is what she deserves,
what she has set in motion for herself
the questions are endless and her bad mood tide is rising
she wishes to call
the lover she lives with
but quickly discovers her phone to be misplaced

Running her fingers through her hair
the location of her brush is now unknown
her heartbeat beating faster
right when she can't calm herself down
the front door opens again
her love walks in
the sight of him holding
what seem to be the shape of two coffees
makes breathing better
she doesn't have to say anything
her face questions all
he quickly apologizes for not being there
when she awoke
he had to act quickly
handing her the coffee
her fingers rapidly warm with contentment

she asks about her glasses
he places something in her hands
saying he knocked them down which broke them
hence why he left, to fix them
putting them on she looks around
everything is safe and sound.

Whether I'm down below,
Or high above,
I'll never cease until I find you, love.
If fate happens to bring you to my door,
I'll never, for a thousand years, ask for more.

I once lost while counting the stars,
But the pain I felt, it didn't last.
Yet how could I escape from my past,
If I still wear the same old scars?

To look wistfully into a stranger's eyes,
To remind me of when I was fed with lies.
To feel the softness of someone's lips on mine,
To forget yesterday when I was not fine.

I have yet to catch a glimpse of you,
Where and how you are, I have no clue.
But enfold me in your arms once you see me,
Hearing your heartbeat is where I want to be.

Whether you're down below,
Or high above,
Never cease until you find me, love.
If fate happens to bring me to your door,
Let me into your life, and ask no more.

-H

Long drives, full of smoke, conversations melting into aurora’s milky shades after losing time in words; searching for it in each other’s eyes
Winter snow warmed by your thighs
Everywhere inside your voice, velvet blankets, curled in our cocoon
Engineering butterflies, highlighted by sun-varnished fields
In the car and in our eyes we saw eachother’s (two others together, not one another but an other ) minds smiling suspended, a suspected coming seduction
Your smell enveloping the pillow for days after, mid-day sleep for your touch and afternoon naps for your body, midnight slumber for your eyes, and morning red-eyed serenity for your thoughts
A necessity and a need
Pretending that IT’s not there
But IT’s everywhere
And she’s out of town so I’ll stay with you
And we know in the shower, we know in the kitchen, we know as my fingers slide through hair to tame the beast in your wild curls behind left ear
Pearl cream and warm caverns of electric heat, living pulsating oceans dripping rhythm and blues, exploring sensation.  
As you remove the protection
and we can feel the concave and convex atom fit atom,
completing complex patterns and opening eachother’s wonders: from
Closed to open to fixated pupils to lights on and conscious of each prickly soft sensation building each moment forming each expanse of your silky body
A reality so dreamy in time, so blue neon in memory
But imagined into dark corners, madebelieved-backed-out of existence…again and again
The car becomes the motions of goodbye, oh but for a month, oh but for a few, oh but for a forever year, and finally a never
And I travel 2000 miles to die in forgotten Springfield
And it becomes real after that white horribly glowing hospital, wanderers scraping of their faces but mostly just failing at suicide and everything: all. at. once.
We know now and don’t pretend
Telephone vibrations heating our voices entwining our choices, imagined bodies and pictured eyes
The love that radiates as if a star you see but only after it has already died, burned itself alive millions of miles away
Aesthetic aftershocks of your heartbeat running against my chest those nights of that laugh tickling the corners of my ear
Now where even Time fails us, a mist gracefully bowing over the water as it recedes with its illusion of contact
Now like something that has lost all edges: an image, a symbol, a perfect form escaped from the world of perfect forms, the empty form of eternal comparison or the shattering porcelain gavel
Now too broken
Now too high
Now too late to bring my baby home.
Deaf into that obsidian dream hanging
like a new moon behind everything,
the northwest-telephone rainy and cold
And it’s gone
But I remember seeing myself inside your eye, your reflection dancing in mine, the space between possibility

It whispers to me everyday, wide and deathly.
The heartbeat of it never fades.
The garland grows rounder and vague.

It’s like a warning, only you cannot avoid.
Where it will descend: on the dandruffed hair
Moping the pimpled cheeks? or on the

Origin of the thumps itself, losing the will to beat?
They do not speak, but their act volumes like nothing else.
The black magnolias bloom and bleed

Odours of life. Do not believe their
Scented breath. It is almost beautiful
Like ten minutes of peace.

I’m no longer afraid, my flowery enemy.
The buds sleep while monoecious parents
Mother a silent death.

Shalini Nayar
© 2002

My body aches
Each pain reminds me of you.
Of our encounter.
Of your bright and friendly smile.
I can not help but remember your eyes.
The way they transform from loving to something so different.
Your eyes become something primal,
like a lion stalking your next prey.
Me.
The way your heartbeat speeds up as my moans grow louder.
You are anything but gentle,
As I grow louder, and my breath becomes frantic
Moans turn into screams
Until I break beneath you.
Grabbing onto you,
My hands like claws in your back.
Clawing onto reality as the rest of my body escapes.
When I awake in the morning,
My body is sore.
With marks across my skin,
Reminding me of an encounter that began simply with a smile.

Dear solitude,
I have forsaken you
because I'm no longer
safe in you,
and safe is all I long to be.

I'd love to recoil within myself
but that only worsens my diagnosis,
That only pulls the trigger
of my metaphorical gun
until I want to hold a real one
and aim it at my clouded head.

Dear solitude,
Somedays you're the master
and I'm the slave,
recoiling until the outside
is an intruder,
But now I need the outside
to pull me out of the quicksand.

Solitude, you can't always be
my cheatsheet to pass the test,
Sometimes to win, I need to expose
all the skeletons I've tucked away
in your locker.

Solitude,
You were my morphine
but now my morphine has
brown eyes,
a face-lighting smile,
a heartbeat,
and arms I can crash into
whenever you hunt me down.

I was born with winter
in my blood.
I can feel the cold spread
with every heartbeat,
with every roll of the eyes.
I don't know why
I was born
in June.
I don't know why
I should celebrate my birth
in the heat of summer
when my heart belongs
to those winter chills.
I don't know why I must sweat
that summer sun
for only seconds
of snow.
I was meant
for other things
and different times.
I was meant
for hot chocolate
and snowball fights.
I have months left to go
until I will be home again
in winters storm.

Don steps outside.

The sight of the piercing blue sky stops him in his tracks.
Immediately his heartbeat doubles and he begins to sweat.

Just look at that thing;
all that nothing.

It's just too much.

City lights flicker, casting shadows tall,  
Whispers of evening, in twilight’s fall.  
Streets hum softly, a nocturnal song,  
In the heart of darkness, where we all belong.

Moon ascends in silence, a guardian in the sky,  
Stars spill secrets, as constellations sigh.  
Echoes of footsteps, a dance on cobbled stone,  
Night embraces the wanderer, the dreamer, the alone.

Neon signs pulse, a heartbeat of the street,  
Mysteries unravel where darkness and light meet.  
Windows glimmer faintly, lives hidden behind,  
In the cloak of midnight, stories unwind.

Cool breeze carries whispers of distant seas,  
Rustling leaves murmur, swaying with the trees.  
A symphony of stillness, the night’s gentle hymn,  
In its silent chorus, we find solitude within.

Night is a canvas, painted in shades of deep,  
Where dreams take flight, and secrets keep.  
Beneath its vast expanse, a quiet allure,  
In the embrace of night, our spirits endure.

If every mile between us was a year,
we would be millennia apart.
If every lonely breath was a dying star,
the night sky would be black as ink.
If every tear was a page in a book,
between us, we could fill volumes.

If every bit of longing was a rubber band,
my heart would explode from pressure.
If every moment alone was a color lost,
my world would soon go dark.
If every day without you was a heap of gold,
I would sacrifice it in a heartbeat.

If only were together again,
the distance would close,
the sun would return,
the pages would burn.

If only I could see you again,
my heart would ease,
I’d regain my sight,
I would be alright.

You awaken the butterflies in my tummy when you blink.
The hair on my neck and arms stand up when you speak to me.
The pace of my heartbeat seems to increase when you walk toward me.
I know it’s early, and you scare easily but,
There’s a chest full of emotions I never got a chance to get out
& I need to…

My lady,
Let's build a love to last
What some call, everlasting love,
But not 'forever & a day' love
Cause hey-
Who's to say we'll see that last day?
At least my love is here to stay,
So don't run away
& leave me astray.
To fill the ashtray with our memories
Instead remember me,
In your smile.

& If I die before we reach our forever,
I'll ask the gatekeeper to send me back to you.
I'll be the warm breeze that lifts your skirt,
And the soft fabric of your favorite ****.
I'll be the sunshine that soaks into your skin,
The guiding voice that steers you
RIGHT, from within...
I'll be back for you.

I can't get enough of you,
See I over indulge my love for you
with every opportunity,
So I guess you could call me,
A binge lover

The forms of my love will change, often
But the passion & intensity will never soften
Like the pitch of my voice
When I'm shy or outspoken.
Feeling wild, feeling free, feeling unbroken
Inside I’m choking on words unspoken,
Because with you,
There's always something that trips me up.

Like that one time I forgot to tie my shoelaces,
And accidentally fell in love with you.
Remember that?
Probably not cause that's something I never told you.

Honestly,
I just want to hold you
Never scold you
But just show you
What it's like to learn & grow.
Though there are some aspects of love,
In which I don't know.
Like what to do after we've blown smoke at each other.
Cause it's not always going to be pretty,
But- my god... You're ******* pretty.

...I think this is how it started.
How I became one who loves in excess,
And only truly gets to express
What goes on in my chest,
Through words and line breaks.

My binging addiction
Starts with this pen and paper,
Maybe some wine or whiskey
Straight with no chaser
It ends with my heart not on my sleeve
But on this sheet of paper,
In which I’ll speak to those willing to listen.
& I’ll spend my nights
Meeting and greeting new people,
Hoping I’ll run into you.

I didn’t mean to trip on you,
Maybe our lines got tangled.
It would explain all the
Dropped calls, and moments during
Night falls, when I realized you weren’t coming back.

There are nights that I
Sit at the foot of my bed,
Looking at my half full/half empty heart
Made of glass.
As I try to figure out how to fill it.
These voids keep me lonely,
Bad dreams awake me,
Nightmares provoke me,
My inner demons evoke me,
When I find that what I’m smoking
Won’t take the pain away.

So, until that hole is filled,
I’ll keep tripping on heartbreaks,
Learning from mistakes,
Working on line breaks,
And stronger communication
Between my heart and my head.
And I’ll sit on my bed,
Writing poems about someone I once knew,
Who resembles the sun when it falls,
Who once held me dear and warm to her heart
Like day does dawn.

I read somewhere that,
No matter how wide you stretch your fingers,
Your hands will always be too small
To catch all the pain you want to heal.

It doesn’t matter how many nights I sit with my hands
Outstretched holding onto our memories like hourglasses
That are now emptied- because
You left me empty.

You know,
I still have that picture we took in front of the sunset,
After you told me you’d fill an hourglass full of fireflies
When I said I’d fill mine with rays from the sunrise.
I realized, you never meant to stay.
Just wanted to give me enough light to make it through the night,
And like sand & water slip through fingertips on sunny days,
You vanished with the shoreline.
Time wandered away, & the gypsie in your soul had reached it’s time limit.
And by the time the midnight moon
Casted a shadow against the water,
You were gone.

We say 'I love you'
so often,
so casually.
We say it in text messages,
we say it laughingly
or between the lines
of a conversation.
Sometimes because
we have to,
sometimes because
we want to,
sometimes even
when we don't.
But I love you.
I love you often,
but not
casually.
I love you always.
Honestly,
everlastingly
love you.
With every heartbeat,
even in the spaces
between.
love
you
If my words cannot convince you,
you will feel it in my touch.
*"Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love"

I walk through this world blindfolded
Echolocating my way with just your heartbeat
Each pulse guiding me through blurry lines
Making the world around me clear as crystal
I trust alone in the visibility each beat gives me

And though your heartbeat fades so soft
I follow the breadcrumbs you leave me
Ultrasound and hardly there at all, perhaps a dream
I'll still find you in this endless pitch black sky

I'm like a vampire, or perhaps more like a fruit bat
What I crave is something sweeter than blood
Only you would do, my favorite chalice
My thirst consumes me, such hunger becomes me
With no true beginning and no true end

I glide across the starlight, seeking you out
With my echoes in the dark
The sound of your heart, brighter than any flame
Lighting my way, and like a moth I follow
On gilded wings to you I soar

But all fires burn out
No matter how eternal their light seems
And all moths return to dust
No matter how immortal their dreams

I'll trust only
In my echoes in the dark

Poem by: Layla Smith (Pyrrhathepoet)

Holding on to my pillow tight, wishing
it was you. Missing your thoughts thinking that
you left too soon... Come back and hold me tight, hypnotize me
so that i can sleep at night.. Your voice was so angelic to my heartbeat.
The harmony reconciling as our laughs filled the skies.. Come back and be with me.

subdued by the still of the night
under its wood paneled skies
and myriad of ominous pines
my unconscious mind drifted
seamlessly in a reverie filled
with nothing but you and i,
and as the february air grew
cold enough to numb my feet
loneliness accompanied me,
and i ached to feel your body
pressed warmly against me,
diverting me of this chilling
breeze as we melted away in
alluring frigid white sheets,
i hopelessly pine for you and
hunger to feel every pattern
of your heartbeat, to furtively
watch your chest rise as you
sleep, daring to trace the pair
of sultry lips parted upon me

The dust of denial does finally settle,  
the sound of my heartbeat is metal on metal.
The river of sorrow runs dreadfully dry
the beat of my drum is a withered old sigh.

You breathe life to my body and love to my mind,
if god is in heaven this must be a sign.  
The more I take out, the more I will crumble
grab me when I fall, catch me when I stumble.

You smell just like roses, you ***** like one too,
when I look out the window all I see is you.
It’s real like the sun and it burns just as hot,
to hurt or to leave you, well, that I could not.

Love in the winter, spring, summer and fall,
your body and mind of you I want all.
There’s fish in the sea but I’m hook, line and sinker,
you get even cuter when your cheeks turn pinker.  

My body’s a letter the postage is love,
Dear Bette, I love you, won’t you be my dove.
P.S. you’re so pretty and wonderful too.
P.P.S. please know what I am saying is true.

In rain I’m your cover, in snow I’m your gloves,
if you’re cold then I want to warm you up with love.                                                            ­                                                              
I’­m here to protect you through the lonely night
‘cause you give me white wings so I can take flight.

You are so special you don’t understand,
I just want to stay here and hold on your hand.                                                            ­                                                                 ­                   
I’m down in the shafts, for love I’m a miner,
forever I’m stuck, 'cause it only gets finer.

I am here and I am strong,
my heart beats louder than a gong.                                                            ­                                                                 ­               
I want to hold you in my arms
and keep you from all the harm.

Bette, oh Bette I hope you can see,
your eyes and your body do hypnotise me.                                                              ­                                                                 ­           
You leave me so speechless, I can’t catch a breath,
when I am in your arms, I don’t fear death.

You make me so happy, it’s quite plain to see,
your lips are my drug they intoxicate me.                                                              ­                                                                 ­     
My life is a canvass for you to create,
how many ways can I tell you, you’re great.

You are my Bette for the world to see
you’re my hearts protector to watch over me.
My beautiful kitten if you purr for me,
I’ll give you my heart since you have the key.

Your name is Bette and now I can see
that life starts and ends with you and with me.                                                              ­                                                        
I want you forever, know I am here to stay,
if ever I lost you, I would lose my way.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I do
did I say that I love? Well you know it's true.                                                            ­                                                                 ­       
Worries and doubts of those I have none,
you are my moon, my stars and my sun.

So much comfort in the sound of a human heartbeat

8:01 am
i kiss my cigarette
like i would kiss you
if you were here

10:31 am
i'm scratching your name
into the wood of my desk
as if it were my arm

11:56 am
winter weather isn't nearly as cold as my heart
when i'm missing you

1:07 pm
we take notes on love
i'm writing love letters to you
in iambic pentameter instead

4:09 pm
as i'm heading home
my heart wonders if yours missed mine
as much as mine missed yours

11:12 pm
i missed 11:11
but it's all right
because you have no way of getting here anyway

2:36 am
you're asleep and i'm imagining your heartbeat
pressed against my back and your steady breathing in my ear
the way it would be if i could sleep too

3:41 am
are you dreaming of me
the way i'm dreaming of you?

5:59 am
i don't have to text you goodnight
because i'll be dreaming of you anyway

Before the east glows in the sun
Run boy run.
Only they who run
Know the fun
Of leaving the bed
And going ahead.
5 chimes the bell
And off you sail
Sniffing the smell of grass
Past you the winds rush.
Run along as if on wing
To reach where the larks sing
Up down down up the feet
Lub-dub goes up heartbeat
Like invincible one you run
To feel the morn so sweet!

Everything was very lucid, everything but the beginning.

Like the scene from Inception where she cannot remember how they got there I too had that same feeling.
Everything seemed normal at first but I quickly realised that the people around us did not notice us at all.
They did not even see us, like we were invisible.
My vision was seemingly blurry when I looked at the world and people outside the circle we formed standing together in a crowded park in the middle of the day, yet perfectly fine when I looked at my own body or two of the six other persons standing in the circle.
I picture it today like different resolutions.
Infact just like in the movie, I was actually dreaming but I did not know it at that time and there was no Di Caprio to explain it to me.

All I knew was that I was being chosen for something.
Something I have being longing for my whole life of confusion and wondering why, how and who.
I had no idea what that something was but I knew that I along with these people standing with me was finally chosen for something unimagineably great.
That intese feeling of relief that came with it was the most powerful feeling I had experienced to this day, almost like I knew that I would finally get to know the answers to the secrets and mysteries we all have been trying to figure out as humans
and after this journey all the suffering would stop and everything would be over.
I knew that the rest of the people felt a similar way even though, at that time, we had yet not spoken to eachother. I knew it simply by the way they reacted. Just like myself we were all surprised, overwhelmed and at the same time joyful.

I remember having a strong feeling of wanting / being chosen as a kid. Chosen like in Harry Potter being a the boy who lived, Peter Parker becomming spider man or Clark Kent realising he is superman, you get the point..

Apparantly a lot of humans have the same feeling and now I was living that dream.

After a few seconds of taking it all in I realised that only two of the six other people were visible to me. I knew there were six other beings next to me but only two was visible.
One was a male with dark blonde hair and trimmed ****** hair, looked like a regular swedish person in my age but nobody I recognized from my town. Then there was a brunette female also in her 20s.
And then there were four other beings who I had no vision of but I could somehow know they are right there and is a living being just like us but somehow way different.
I could "feel" or know that they were just as suprised as we were and had as much knowledge about the whole situation as we did.
I also knew that they could clearly see and hear us. An ability we did not possess as  humanbeings.

Some people would probably use the words "alien abduction" trying to describe the experience (dream) I had but I use the word "chosen" for the reasons I stated above.
Also at this point I had thoughts running through my head that these non visible beings was extraterestials but as I said these beings was going through the same thing we were, driven by a force much greater that both of us.

A "WOW" was the first thing that came out from the swede as we all aknowledged that reaction and let out a laugh, flabbergasted of what was happening. And so far we are only 1 minute into the whole thing and we are still in this circle in the middle of a crowded park.
Next thing we all got individually surrounded by this bright white light that would transport us to the next stage of the journey. Just like you would see in a 90s music video the light just appeared around us until we were covered in it and dissapeared from the park and appeared ... somewhere else.

At this place it was only me and the two other persons I could see, the swedish male and the female brunette. The other beings was at a similar place designed for their kind. I knew this because I would meet them again after this stage and find out.
I cannot describe this place but I'll try my best explaining what happened there.

The three of us would go through a dream like state one by one in our own personal dream, designed by the devine to be a test. In this test you would enter a dream where you play yourself from a memory from the past. It is hard to explain but think of it like the jumanji movie where they load into the game and become new characters with missions.
We were loaded into a dream where we play ourself and had our own missions within that dream to beat as a test to go to the next stage of the journey.

My test was up first.

I quickly loaded into this dream where I was myself as a kid in a very distant age of humatity. Everything was sand and stone and the only humans alive was the people in my tiny village in the middle of the desert. The whole vibe was egypt and sand dunes.
Even though I was playing myself in the dream I could also observe as a third person outside the dream, like a spectator and the others was watching my dream play out aswell but we could not affect anything in my dream, or "test" if you may, while just observing from outside the box.
I needed to play myself as a kid in this sand dune world and the others could actually load into my dream as themselfs to help me with whatever my missions was.

As you know with dreams there is too much unexplainable stuff going on but overall my dream test was a huge complicated maze I had to run through. In the end it led me to running up a stone staircase which spiraled around a square block of stone.
When I got to the top it was a simple stone building, a house made for worship where all the humans gathered at dawn to pray. Right outside the entrance to the house was a big block of stone, same sand dune colour. This stone was very important and I somehow knew it but I did not know why. I gave it a pat like a kid would do and my test was finished.
I did not have a certain feeling of knowing exactly what was going on or if I completed my test or whatever I was just going along in the journey for now.

Next up was the other male. His dream test was this anoying, mind boggling puzzle that took forever to figure out. We managed to do it anyway and last up was the female.
Her test was filled with agony, misery, anxiety, extreme sadness and anger. It was no dream I would ever want to go through again but we had to help eachother out to complete the tests together.
It was very important that we went through it as a split unit because if one failed we would all do.

After a traumatic experience with the females dream test we finally broke free and again got transported to another place.

This time we were traveling in the vast darkness of space. No spaceship, no suits just our bodys almost being dragged through space.
We were not feeling any force dragging us or felt like we were in motion but we could tell we were travelling because there was a single point in our vision that got bigger as we were seemingly getting closer to it.

Here is where I meet the the remaining "chosen beings" again, they were travelling with us but did not seem as fazed by it as we humans were. Atleast that was my understanding by "feeling" their reactions or "aura" or whatever.

We were travelling for around two minutes and I remember feeling uncomfortable as the experience flying through space was terrifying and not at all what I had hoped it would be.
I actually was so scared I almost started to panic as these two minutes felt like forever, until I saw that point we were travelling to getting significally bigger by the millisecond.
Faster than I could tell we were there, our point of destination for this stage. It was a big big cube made of unknown material just floating in space. The cube was transparent so we only saw a hollow plasma like cube and nothing else.
The cube had rounded edges and for size comparison it was pretty much a 10x10 Meter cube from the outside.

Once we floated inside this cube we could see that it was not what it seemed from the outside.

First of all, every single one of us got a mutual feeling of being home, this cube was a safe haven for us. We were protected in this cube and could feel secure.
There was so much space inside this thing like you wont believe, it was not really affected by time like we are here on earth. If we wanted to go to a private room we would immidietly be there, there was no time spent walking to that room.
If we wanted to relax on a couch we would already be in the same couch relaxing.
It made no sense but there was no questions needed to ask for us. We just intuitively knew how to use this cube for whatever our needs were.

One funny thing I remember was a lady sitting inside the cube at a office desk placed at the top left corner of the cube. As I first entered the cube, to me, she was sitting upside down at her desk with a full suit on and even a scarf looking like a calssy office worker.
She gave all of us a glance and a little smile before focusing on her typing again. Like she was a regular at this cube place and there was no big deal at all that seven beings, humans and ... non humans would visit this cube.

She was also human, well as far as I could tell she was fully human, we never communicated, just like we never spoke to any other beings at this place.
This journey was not filled with much communication as we people have here on earth. We all just knew what the other was thinking based on pure intuition. The cube was filled with beings but as we seven was on our own special journey we did not interact with anyone else and nobody else interacted with us.

We got to a room in this cube where we walked up to an altar looking thing. On this altar was a huge holographic monitor. The monitor (that was really just light) was showing a 3D model of the earth. It was a white light background and the earth was showing as black lines like you would draw the earth from space on a piece of blank white paper with a regular black ink pencil.
It was a problem though, everything was static, no motion, no life. We all were just standing huddled up watching this holographic monitor not knowing what to do or think as we did not understand anything.
This is when I stepped up to this altar holding the holographic monitor and again by pure intuition I placed my hand above the emitting lights and somehow grabbed one end of the "monitor" and flipped it to the other side like you would flip a page in a book.
Now we saw the same 3D picture of earth but it was a live feed and not static anymore. The earth was in motion and you could see the green colours of the land the blue waters the white clouds and everything else so beautifully. There was a live statistic upgrade on EVERYTHING you needed to know about the earths "health" if you may.
Like the temperture, oxygen levels, fertility in the soil, density of the mountains and everything else you can think of.
It was amazing to see and every single one of us felt the same way. We also all understood that the previous static earth we saw was one of many planets like earth used to host us humanbeings until the end of our test that was once active and in motion but is not anymore.

After this experience in the altar room with the holographic book monitor thing we all ended up back in the circle in the park we began at. Everyone knew our tests was over and we were about to join the devine, whatever that means.
We stood for a minute processing the whole journey we went through waiting for the next step.

At that moment there was very much information getting downloaded to my system.
I got to know that me and the two other humans represent the three dimensions we live and experience.
Each of us is representing a single string, a string that is the smallest possible form of matter that vibrates to to a beat. Our heartbeat.
We are one dimensional beings but together we live in a three dimensional world and our strings will together form the trefoil knot.

The other four beings is representing the fourth to seventh dimensions. Even though all dimensions is weaved into eachother, we do not possess the ability to see above our own dimensions but beings living in higher dimensions can see the beings below and actually live amongst them.
This explaied why I cannot see the other beings of course.

They still have a string just like we humans do but they are made up of different type of matter, different type of energy and live in a different type of frequency. This means that they had to tie their knot sepereatly from us humans, meaning they had different type of tests and live by a completly different type of rules we human beings do.

Together we had two knots symbolizing a total of seven dimensions of creation, A starmap for us to enter infinity and beyond.

The lights swiftly swooped in and surrounded us, nothing else mattered, we were ready to go.
One by one everyone got beamed up, the non humans was the first to go.
As one was beaming up after the other we looked at eachother with great humbleness and pride. The female was the last to go before it my was my turn but as she got beamed up it came to my knowledge that I was not chosen to get beamed up this time and my faith was to live the rest of my life here on earth like the person I was before all this.

I could only catch a glance of the females face before she got covered by the beam and I will never forget the look she gave me. A look that knows the great pain I was feeling and the responsibility I have to carry out among the people I live with now that I know what I know.
I think my heart stopped for a second as I felt so betrayed, left out, alone..

The seven strings was now only one, the other six existed only as a memory.

This is where everyone in the park could see me again, and I was standing there alone in the middle of spring with a leather jacket on that I used to wear in my 20s. It was a sunny yet windy and chilly day.
I knew that nobody would understand me or even believe me If i told them what happened. I had to struggle with the feeling of living until I die of "natural" causes and nobody would ever understand me.
It was depressing to say the least. I began to walk home through the park as a car stopped by me. It was my friends from real life, they yelled at me to jump in and asked what I was doing alone in the park.

I struggled to keep my tears in as I just shrugged and sat down in the backseat, listening to their endless, pointless normal life conversations as my thoughts wandered away to the journey I just experienced.

This is when I wake up and realise that all this was a dream and I took about 2 hours laying in my bed reflecting on what I dreamed.

To this day, years after the dream, I still go though the journey every single day, as a memory. I do not know what It means or necesarrily still try to even find meaning in it but it lives in my mind rent free.
I just wanted to write it down on paper and share it and maybe It will help me realeve some of the feelings I still experience because of this dream.

Thank you for reading.

The setting of the sun causes out temperature to rise
Candle lit dinner, full moon in the sky
Music playing softly, toast to the weekend
What a night I have planned, surely, tomorrow we will sleep in
After dinner, I want you for dessert
Let me rub your body down, use my teeth to remove your skirt
Remove your shirt, massage your feet, kiss your succulent lips, then everything beneath
All before we get to the bedroom.....

I take your hand, our eyes connect
We walk to the room, what we do, we'll never forget
Rose petals on the floor, see our shadows on the wall
Love sounds we are making, screams echo thru the halls
Then I go deeper, you've been begging for that
Nails dig into my skin, scratches all over my back
Bite your lips then whisper into my ear
Bump bump bump bump, your heartbeat is all I am able to hear

Sometimes, when im inside of you, I feel like its a dream
The faces that you make, the greatest thing my eyes have seen
1 time, 2 times, 3 times, 4. *******, legs tremble, sheets soaked, more.....
Then we drop off into a coma like sleep
Not even Jacques Cousteau, could have dove so deep

In the morning you awake, breakfast on your plate, last night still on your mind
The secrets we keep, in secret we meet
Farewell for now, cant wait til next time

I am a pathetic woman.
All I wanted was to look **** for you and carry your child.
I dreamt of us making love in the most tender of ways.
I wanted to give you myself whole-heartedly.
I am a pathetic woman.

I am a pathetic woman.
You stole my heart in a couple of months.
My stomach ached for you and crackled with fire.
Your laugh fed my soul and your voice soothed my heart.
I am a pathetic woman.

I am a pathetic woman.
Your face is etched into my brain.
Your lessons are with me everyday.
Your memories **** me.
I am a pathetic woman.

I am a pathetic woman.
You made me fall in love and then left so abruptly.
Your reasons were so unfair.
You told me there was no hope ever, and to forget you...
And yet... I still hope and would marry you in a heartbeat.

I am a pathetic woman.

I remember a vision I once had
In the dark of night, after a darkness of day
Laying there, struggling to grasp truth and reality
I felt helpless and afraid,
I panicked in that moment
Only to their enjoyment and sick pleasures
But my gut continued its chant
Calling me to the truth I already knew.

This night, I recall the devilish ghouls surrounding my formless shape
I remember my voiceless cries to you
My breathless screaming of your name
And their shouting whispers, he is coming, he is coming!
Maybe, it was more trickery as they announced your arrival
If so, it was still in vain
My heart regarded your radiant outline in the ever darkening surfaces
My eyes focussing reassuringly as my stare continued.

You are a turned agent
And for that I am eternally grateful, eternally blessed
You were and will always be my savior in dark times,
Everytime you come to me, my love
I feel my body relax in your illustrated presence
Your soft words tickling my skin, inscribed with our love and honesty
Finishing with a spiraling full stop,
Encasing your message, and me, in protection.

Once in fear yourself
You were unable to show your feelings in this world
Where their eyes could see
And where their minds could envision,
But, my love, I found your notes
Concealed in my hairs, that you had recently brushed aside
Etched lightly across my palms, that your hands had just held
Glazed across my lips, that you had just caressed with yours.

Yes, I remember, my love
And with the strength each word helped me attain, I tell you now-
I need no more.
For you and I wrote one that they cannot erase,
Forever it glows, embedded in my everything
Beneath that butterfly tattoo that misses your kiss
The words of incalculable happiness pumping at every heartbeat...
I love you.

i can feel your art
it's in the heartbeat of your palm

warm,
alluring

a springtime thunderstorm that might drizzle or might defiantly dump

i'd stand with outstretched tongue
if only for one
                                                                 drop

of your honeydew compositions   ;   sunflower symphonies.


darling,
your diamond skin is

                                                                devastating

as you dream in orchestrated swells.


i can feel your art
when our heartbeats caress

Take me back
to when you
were the warmth that radiated beneath my heartbeat
and raised me high like a hot air balloon

                     before we had
                    to untangle our
                            souls
        
memories,
now memories are petals i peel away
one by one,
       as i keep cutting my heart on
                  the green-ness that
                             memories are not the stories of today,
                                 we are not the stories of today.