radioahead is on now and now its going what theeeeeeeee
ooho noi ** oh boh oh nho  hnoh ooh oh nhoo
whrejhrhehrehrherhehrehrhehre
whwhrahhwerhehrheh
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YEAHHHHHH


UGHHHHH

SECOND COMINNG SEACOND COMING SECOND COMING

no no no no no no no

I had a revelation on the train
GOD has revealed himself
he hides behind flirtation with death
oh he hides
and the music
keeps going
and I have nothing
but the vibrancy of youth golden locked golden key that turns but I am a clumsy troll on top of a mountain, clumsy troll on top of the mountain wearing a frowny face, frowny face

and he drops his giant club in the ground
to sob and cry
because he couldn't get
his soup and wine
oh no
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AFFJAFFAHHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAaaAHEe
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herh
heR­RHEHRW WEEEE GOOOOO

lets go goleto glkegoetleeoaerj
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aAHNND­ONEEE EODNEEE GONEEE ALLLLL

SPOILED

HES" wearbing a frowny face he's wearing a frowny face
he's crying because he's left to the mountain
in this video game world
press b
press b
press b
press b
press b
press b

one day my teacher asked me
why I always wrote in lowercase letters
her glasses perched on the top of her beak
she squawked,
"you were not taught that in school, young lady.
it is not proper, young lady."

and I gripped my pen tighter
or maybe a little looser
it's hard to tell lately.

but I looked in to her black beady eyes
and disapproving frowny face
and whispered "see how I am whispering
do you see how you are leaning closer
like I have a secret
more intimate, correct?
that is my writing:
an intimate secret.
for you"

dance and twirl and flail around

who cares if we look like silly clowns

knocking shelves and breaking hearts

drinking a bottle of whiskey and throwing darts

straight at brains and thoughts and love

taking the life of the pretty white dove

we run rampant like rabbits

making bad habits

destroying the world that raised us well

ignoring the cries the screams the yells

slaying the ones who love us most

and over drinks we proudly boast

then we grow up and graduate and then

some of us stay and some become men

those who remain lost and alone

allow their hearts to turn to stone

they die with tears and fears and frowns

but ****, it's fun to stay a clown

can there be no shampoos? no cakes?
no ales?
do you understand my
disdain for my own

self? i am alone in a room right now
it is a small room
on the eleventh floor
of a mediocre apartment
in a mediocre part of
the greater toronto area

i can hear bad music 

coming from the room 
above the one i
am currently in
i think it is some sort of dubstep
like, bon iver or something

it is the kind of music that
wins 17 daytime emmy awards
and a ******* from a
dead president of the artist's
choice (a lavish ceremony)

like a dairy queen in
late september, 
i weep creamy tears
that taste like creamy
frowny-faces

i weep creamy tears
over a non-existent
lover who is right now
dancing to bon iver ft. drake
whilst punching me in the face

my non-existent lover is
also a stalwart lover
and i resent that quality

i resent my non-existent lover's
stalwart twitter account, 
too because
it reminds me of myself

my skin
absorbs
the hot, muggy
air
my hands
furiously scrub
at the dirt
mixed in with my
honey hair.
***** water
runs down my arm,
trickling off to my leg
and then into the drain.
i breathe, evaporated
water
filling my lungs.
my hair is clean.
my legs are tired of standing
and hurt from
all the razor nicks.
i shut off the
stupid shower
and step out,
shivering from the cold.
dirt is still caked under
my fingernails,
and there are still
blood streaks
on my legs
from my cheap razor
and bad
shaving job.
i stare at
the foggy mirror,
and draw a
frowny face right
where my own
lips are.

Why do I smile? T'aint no mystery
Wanna have a good medical history

Doctor tells me smiling is great
Helps them blood cells circulate

Great for the skin
Great for the ticker
Smiling will get you
In better shape quicker

Feels so healthy, feels so sweet
Smiling just makes my face complete

It builds my strength and appetite
And makes my toenails feel just right

Keeps me youthful, keeps me light
Makes people wonder
‘Bout me in the night

Smiling helps me get along
And keeps all my
Relationships strong

Beats bein' frowny, Beats bein' lazy
Why do I smile? Maybe I'm crazy!!

I'm weak
I struggle
To resist
But not very much

When I give in
My face is frowny
But I hide a smile

I feel shame
But not enough
To make me change

I look for solutions
That aren't too drastic
Even though that's
What I need

When the going
Gets tough
I take a nap

Don't pull a frowny face
They'll just bury you in questions

"Are you okay?"
"What's wrong?"

Just smile

A wolf in sheep skin,
Depression's kingpin,
Lost in addiction, so spiraling it makes my ******* head spin,
Cigarettes and gin, a beautiful girl lost in a lover's world, the process over and over again

A smooth slick ******* who doesn't give a **** about heartbreak,
A cold and lonely evening, a real earth shaker,
Heartbreaker,
Hymn chanting, shot chasing, sadness cannibal,
A glass half full,
Or half empty

4am again,
Is this pack half full or half empty,
Never see, never see, Neverland, the promised land, watch it bleed,
****** river, ****** knuckles, broken teeth, a golden rose sprouting from a blackened soil, see

"You lost me"

Cut up and sewn together, mix matched with a crying messiah,
Flown up then crashed down,
Teared up with tears rolling down,
Smack the frown off of my face and leave me sunny side up over easy, pepper dripping, salt throwing, ******* train wreck of a human being,
It's never been easier, trust me,
Keep myself awake for a few days straight then rip my guts out until I convince myself that all of my problems can be fixed just by sleeping

Stormy weather with the windows open,
Sunny weather with the blinds all pulled shut,
Wish I could find a way to just not give a ****

You're pessimistic, pacify her, burn her up in holy fire, drown yourself in holy water,
Forgive the angels for your daughters,
Poetic slaughters, words ripping through all of us,
I'll give a lot but I won't give up,
I'll stay up until the sun's up but I won't cry anymore than I have to

Sometimes it's like that,
Sometimes it's easier to fight back,
Throwing punches until the lights are out,
Blacked out until the stars come out,
A kaleidoscope of misfortune,
Prescriptions on prescriptions,
Haven't peaked yet but I know I'm worth a fortune,
Frowny faces I'm drowning tasteless,
Not sweet enough for any of your senses but too bitter to take any chances

Sometimes it's like that

Better gear up for the long fight,
Hasn't come yet but I'll hold tight,
I'm here to take it all and put it into a different light, see

War never changes,
And neither will I

when you think of the word "sad" you think of frowny faces & the color blue
but there is more than just a three letter word to this emotion
sadness is embedded in bones
like reoccurring cancer
you may think its's gone but it will creep up slowly & **** you
there is no cure to sadness
there is only the ability to bear it until it passes
for others it may not even pass,
it may grow & grow until it takes over your whole self & destroys you from the inside out
it leaves you decayed in your bed
you are not dead on the outside
you have your skin, your organs, your tangled veins
but on the inside you are hollow & twisted with sadness
you are living but you are dead
the word "sad" is not just a word

You have a rather
frowny smile
are you a sad clown
or do you just
look funny when you cry
if you knew the future
would you be here
or would you have just
given up or gone
A different route.

the world is a big frowny face

"did you **** them?"
- **** is a strong word dr. nice legs, i prefer the term sent back
"sent back?"
- yes, sent back - they were at one place so i sent them back
"so you... sent them back? back where?"
- oh it's a place that doesn't exist, not to me, not to anyone
"heaven?"
- oh no, gosh no, why are making up words dr. pen in mouth?
"hell?"
- if you mean h-e-double hockey sticks then you're sadly mistaken
"underworld, olympus? give me a clue or something."
- ah ah i said it doesn't exist, how do i give you a clue for something that doesn't exist dr. frowny face?
"describe your feelings towards it."
- home

we will go through a scenario that I think we can both agree is realistic, which i hope doesn't state anything you don't see as true, but if you do, feel free to contact our support team after the activity. as long as you feel it doesn't detract from the point of the exercise, please answer the prompt it sets up to answer before correcting specific instances.

Premise:
do you understand how sickening it feels,
when mourning is a familiar agony
when you can feel it approaching and understand exactly what you're about to go through
it never gets easier
do you empathise
do you sympathise
do you understand how much i needed to talk to you last night.
and how okay i was to leave it for you to sleep
just so i could spend time with your unconscious breathing
just so i could have something
to cushion me tonight
even less than i take most nights

Everything I thought you knew (tell me where i lost the plot here):
I let you know ive had a bad day, one i could never unpack in just five minutes. maybe i shouldnt have understated things, but i really didnt want to pressure you into a long call.
i had happily agreed to have a quick call even though it had been so much
because i desperately wanted to call you which i clearly expressed and you even mocked the nature of (proof of acknowledgement).
and suddenly, id rather hang up for good.
you find out I just lost someone very close to me and my mom, and I thought would clearly understand the past few minutes in perspective now.
you knew i had lost someone
you thought i was upset
you say sorry
you send me instagram post
you act like everything has been nbd this is a conversation light and playful enough to have a b-plot
i confirm that you upset me
you say sorry twice each time followed by explanations for you on the call, which i have a completely different issue i havent even opened yet because thats not what ive been talking to you about. i dont get how youre acting so casually after ive told you ive lost someone very close to me.
surely im misreading things
you say "ive been pretty stressed to so it wasnt a good time for a call ( dont pretend this and "i misunderstood" and "it was really a mistake believe me" arent deflections, i had acknowledged that i knew it was a mistake, but was appalled by your judgement subsequent, ESPECIALLY after we'd just had a fumble where you were told I was VERY SERIOUS when criticizing your inability to take accountability, deflecting is not taking accountability because accountability requires understanding and addressing the problem at hand, see later paragraph)
this blows me away because how are you using your stress levels right now as a deflection
looking ME dead in the eyes and saying that was the excuse for acting so inappropriately.
I could never imagine being so inconsiderate and emotionally brain dead as to not get this. The lana del ray song is playing at full volume.
I don't know how I could ever let someone go to sleep like that,
how i could end a conversation like that. but you need sleep. i understand.
i say, yea sure ill just go to sleep like this, clearly showing that this was something painful but necessary,
you act like i am on pause
you act like my pain is postponed
until we speak in the morning
you say, goodnight :)))
you didnt get it
you didnt get anything

you didnt even listen to me when i told you you werent getting it.
why cant you just respect my emotions
why cant you trust my anger
that it cannot be extinguished with "it was a mistake"
why do you not hear me in pain understanding you caused it and feel no compassion
you feel guilt, sure, you dont like to hurt me of course
but no, oh tov im so sorry -> for your loss
(besides one you followed up with a frowny face and an instagram post which i think we both want ignore right now)
no, oh gosh tov, this is a rough night, im so sorry to leave you like this but i have to sleep.
no im sorry to cut off your explanation of the intense feelings i can see you're going through right now, but Tov I do really have to sleep
you say, But I am sorry (I was insensitive (on the call))
I say ok, goodnight
you say can we agree to carry on this exact discussion tomorrow? as if you've placed my feelings on hold
you say, Love you, goodnight :)) as if you've placed my feelings on hold

lets go over that one more time
Love you, goodnight :)))
you did not empathise with me once tonight
after what ive been through lately, i know what its like to be having a stressful time,
i offered to call you just to hear your story about what went wrong today because i know when ***** rough you offer to hear them out, at least thats what i do no matter how sick tired and mourning
i offered you more support for your stressful day
than you did compassion when i told you
i lost someone very close to me today
sorry
maybe it was my fault
that you thought that was a bigger deal

I just don't understand what was different today.
why we couldn't call while you got ready for bed.
I knew i got to my laptop really late tonight though so i thought not to complain.

and then i got cut off mid statement, so you could bid me adue,
bonne nuit! mon cheri! i love you! goodnight! :)))

i hope you slept well last night
i didnt
i dont understand how you couldnt even offer sympathy on that
not even a crumb

what possible reason this time,
do you have to not take accountability. dont mistake my hopelessness for insult, i beg you prove me wrong, i wish you could explain this away, i just dont know how likely that is.

how many times in one night can you avoid facing what you did and owning up to it. do you not feel shame for the disrespect i had to feel as i listened to you ignore my very serious requests you stop joking about my mom. do you not understand how mad i have to be to hang up after wanting to call so bad. do you not understand it is not appropriate to send instagram jokes and smiley faces when i am shouting extreme hurt at you.

i think you do understand
somewhere
but you hope its not like that
because that would be easier,
and so you choose to walk on the maybe its not a problem path
on the side of the path of least resistence,
to avoid. hope dumb
i dont do it like that. i cannot forget so easily.
every fallacy drives me crazy
when i act against logic my skin crawls.
and dont tell me im being illogical.
dont attempt to tell me im irrational
you can have a rational explanation but this is a rational understanding

god i hope you're just really stupid but i know you're not
we know you avoid apologizing intentionally, weather you want to or not may be up for debate but it serves you to play dumb

dont you dare play dumb.

i cannot speak to someone who pretends to be so ignorant as to have missed even half of this
so either admit to playing dumb or admit to being dumb
because no one, sick, tired, or mourning, would say
Love you, goodnight :))) after understanding what was going on.
and nobody but a man, even sick, tired, or mourning could miss that

so please, show me how blind i am. save this quickly
because life is a nightmare right now
because you will care for me to the ends of the earth
until it requires you own up to a simple blunder! an easy fix!
a quick one before the eternal worm
i dont want to be going through this right now
im sure you dont either
sorry for making you read a novel
can we please make up now