"choiceless" poems
Like a final catharsis;
this alternative result resolves chance.
I'm naive; but it's a cure to my heartbreak.
Do you get my pain?
The drastic change, pointlessly grabbing at the air,
as my breaths get thicker and weaker.
I'm voiceless; my options are choiceless.
A final catharsis, warped by the carnage.
I'm seemingly heartless, this wasn't my target.
Now my mind's lethargic, at least it's harmless-
Dec 29, 2017
Dec 29, 2017 at 3:02 AM UTC
i was 15 when Kokopele knocked me up
and i was ripe, though unready --
every day i visited my spot
at first to relieve, but then to sate allure --
invisibly appeared,
mysterious pleasure day and night
throbbing at the thought
of that strange spot.
i clawed to sate in dream
what goddess women understand
in noontide reveries,
sultry swells of swoon
i don't know how my belly grew
was it at that drafty wall
or by the reeds..
there were several spots it seems.
i am ashamed
i was told to be ashamed
of this belly i love, and body
cravings carved into my soul,
covert sudden lusts
set in stone at 50,
children grown and making music of their own,
in tents along the streams'
comingled murmur moans,
he visits each in turns
to teach the spiral dance
and finish in the seeded womb.
flowers glow to settle racing heart with truth
infant recognition of an origin's choiceless birth
and now, i am in force --
become katcina cougar, proud Kokopelmana:
the role is taken by the horn --
eat my cornmeal cakes
with crooked somiviki smile while i make you mine
you can scatter but i will find you hiding
purring soft to catch you firm --
every boy and man will learn
.
Nov 23, 2012
Nov 23, 2012 at 11:13 PM UTC
My heart sought a home, even when I was in one,
I moved here almost 9 years ago, I gave it my best,
To settle, to adapt, to overcome, to thrive even,
Instead I corroded, I mangled, I survived choiceless;
Through all your lush green and the rain,
I never found real comfort, just a respite,
I suppose I was stupid to expect it at all,
How does one find home in a war?
Nothing has changed, I don't expect it now,
I was just a city boy abandoned far away,
In an land, where I couldn't speak or relate to,
I'm supposed to belong here and I don't;
It's amazing how far I've placed my mind away,
I rarely live in that certain aspect of my existence,
I'm somewhere I don't belong and can't go back,
Where I used to belong no longer belongs to me;
I'm a nomad in a place I'll never understand,
I've grown accustomed to it's people and things,
The tailored familiarity often backfires into me,
I can't be in tune with them or them me,
I'm a child of the Earth, nameless and unbound,
Perhaps there is hope after all, I'm undefined,
Tried to fit in their boxes, gracefully broke all of it,
Maybe I don't fit in anywhere, the wildcard;
I do take great pride in that, it's a badge of quality,
The untamed among the tamed, blessed with chaos,
A mercurial maverick who desires rest and calm,
I'm only a person after all so I hope, I hope, I hope...
Mar 12, 2024
Mar 12, 2024 at 11:21 AM UTC
You and I have danced for decades,
Stabbing me on the warpath as I giggled along,
You taught me to hate myself the most,
Way down to the vivisection of my soul;
Am I just shifting blame? Didn't I hold the knife too?
You gave it to me, I made it serrated and poisoned,
Hence why I'm venomous, uneven and stubborn,
Am I chaotic because I am or am I just unhealed?
I held your hand as you plunged it into me slow,
I thought you loved me, why else would you do it?
To be so obsessed and devoted to my destruction?
Isn't destruction just the beginning of creation?
It worries me that you don't leave, you keep the blade in,
Are you worried I'll bleed out or do you enjoy the misery?
Have I learnt to love you choiceless and mistaken?
Like the compass points north, the tall child feels comfort;
'A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort'
Was I after all designed to be harmed or do I have a choice?
I'm not alone anymore though, I have my moon now,
She'll guide me home across the dark and quiet :)
Mar 22, 2024
Mar 22, 2024 at 2:22 AM UTC
Perfection
Superimposed with self-perpetuating pollution
But being sustains all and won't mourn its loss
Clear as the sky
Untaintable
Delicious
Home
Forever
I am
The end is just the beginning
Shedding limitations
In spring reborn
A heart of immense power
Cares for all
No longer infected by the sick
For illness is a choiceless choice
That needs no cure
This is the good news
Rejoice
Feb 9, 2019
Feb 9, 2019 at 9:18 AM UTC
Has he not been beared
From seas to streams
Marked with cutlasses and ashes
Forced to swallow cowries
Why would he not wear down his face?
Has he not been living
On his choiceless delicacy
Concoction of gmelina roots
And garlic sap
Why then would he smile?
Why would he dance?
The voilent drummers in his skull
Were pounding thier drums
Like groups of carpenters
Driving pieces of nails
Into a hardwood
Has he not been marched
Round the village on pant
Bearing a *** stained with dry hen's blood
And rotten bones and stenching earth
Why would he not dash out his wealth
To seek a neater heath?
Oct 26, 2013
Oct 26, 2013 at 6:45 PM UTC
Oh, happiness, you know, is such a mystery to me
For my sweet mind, so nubile, now tempted and teased
In daisy chains constrained, becomes unflaggingly naïve
Amidst hopeless, hungry caricatures of a fresh, degenerate breed---
It is these sad amalgamations of cynicism and greed
That beg so caustically for my poor pauper’s decree
Wholly, humbly, in morally hazardous beseech
Reminding me that I will never be exempt from this disease
Because a bird that has for all its life been caged
Would know not, in freedom’s grasp, just how it should behave
And I imagine, most ignorantly, would haplessly spend its days
Flying in circles above the cold cell in which it was once contained
For it is the fear within that forbids us from ever wandering astray
Not, as we convince ourselves, those despicably tangible restraints
But the prejudices and prospects upon which we were raised
The unforgiving pathways of a pre-determined fate
Well, I’d rather die simply, dreaming wistfully instead
Because even the corporeal hand of freedom is ghostly akin to lead
The poison in my veins that leaves me ****** and unfed
It can scarcely compare to the beauty I’ve concocted in my head
And ‘fate,’ I admit, is something that I’ve come to quite dread
To think my end is not my own makes me wish that I was dead
To be voiceless and choiceless and paralyzed in my bed
A story that was written and never to be read
My existence will never course on a single, narrow line
And there will be many, many beds in which my loyalties lie
The destination may well be as crooked as the path the arrow flies
And for all of this uncertainty, I most assuredly will be fine
Because mark my words; let doubt not linger in mind
These cages and these pages will be now and forever mine
Just an arbitrary reaction to the hand-me-down destiny I’ve defied
The parameters I have made to covet all the corners of my life
Oct 28, 2011
Oct 28, 2011 at 7:46 PM UTC
everyday?
really! Yes.
choiceless.
I'm tired.
I'm sore.
I don't want to.
Show up.
Be present,
do your best,
breathe,
wake up,
practice
and
life moves
through you
in the most
extraordinary
ways
Jun 6, 2019
Jun 6, 2019 at 1:54 PM UTC
As innateness
building upon
innateness, making
amends with
choiceless light...
wing upon wind.
Between bounds of
breath, freedom teased
apart...Love opening Love.
Mar 12, 2016
Mar 12, 2016 at 11:08 AM UTC
You don’t have to come
when it’s my call apart!?
I am following the route of
my promise
given
to a child
a girl with a stray cat
always found by the same cat
different color
different shape
once she also read the Tripods
long ago
but
*No
You are not
her White Mountains
I met you on the way*
Find the truth
for me- she said
in plain joy
bring us home
when you grow up
Home was where you could create magic
A spherical -transparent ball
a living crystalline - singing
made of colorful -universe particles
don’t forget
this one also has a crest
remains invisible to
they who do not
already know
the way - inscribed
along caves
above the eye- and
promise to keep me
alive by your side
as a beat in your heart
I promised
...
I grew up
...
I forgot
…
Forgot to remember
until I met love
until I heard the beat
and remembered
and escaped just
*No
You are not so near
You are always here
It was me who ran away*
I saw it all coming
before
our roads crossed
and planned to
lend you my heart
for a temporary time
of mortal maybe
while
calculating
if -s
If
I were
not
good enough
for me
for you
for her
…
Keep it well I said
and plain for me
cause I gotta be free
and promise to always
stay oceans away
from me
is
our decree of creativity
Pains I passed
belonged to
the absence of
her or of you
were set as traps
on both sides
of a rewinding tape
each gaze pulled us back
to the same awful track
until I learned to move ahead
cause you gotta be free
yeah and keep it well for me
cause we gotta be free
For we
I travelled worlds
of the destroyer
until I learned to destroy time
and move ahead
from a central soundless line
some of the illusionary erased
others of truth stayed
to make difference
at shores of wisdom
at waters of innocence
at crests of all sense
I was healed for
the healed is here
to heal
but
alas
in the meantime
you made my heart real
Choiceless and reduced to one
I bounced back to you and
to a place where we started
as if a promise is broke now
or of decree surpassed
hoping the -only if-
by creativity
?
all we can do is walk
the unknown verse
made by a quest
towards the sun
we shall see then
the golden dawn
at rest is at now
blessed we are and one
truth of her dream we become
or else none (be destroyed by time)
and they sang bold
the chorus of her dream
*Is she home yet?
or still out playing ? ...again with that cat*
mom said
as if
...
but no
all I heard was my heartbeat.
Mar 27, 2015
Mar 27, 2015 at 7:19 PM UTC
The mantra of Hiroshima incarnate
The map of every star in a torn fishnet
Loss of life among other consequences
Images of words as the devil slowly dances
The apple of Eden's been bitten before
Only now does it have some of Pandora in store
A weakened mind in a deific shell
The new tree of life unleashes true hell
Broken, torn, shattered eternal face
The petite, pure angel has fallen from grace
Inconsistency in post-modern apocalypse
Collapsing under the hound's charred up lips
Burning new wings in a sea of the womb
Blossoming inadequacy, eternal tomb
Callous, joyless orange ocean abound
The true retaliation, a hurricane of sound
Lazy eyes and a dysfunctional throat
Untrue might, a choiceless faux-goat
Green, emerald, grass, truly loveless
Alight the need to never again fess
Drowned a nobody, a weakened coward
Behind a true god's skirt he always cowered
No more colors, a blackened white sand
A recall of choices this boy doth demand
Nov 27, 2017
Nov 27, 2017 at 10:30 AM UTC
Green cascading from the smooth curves of her hips—
unmoving—of velvet flowers that I approach.
Silken, they are; and with balm applied I kiss her lips.
Wandering to discover Eden, without reproach,
hands and eyes journey together, seeking
what pleasure, what ecstasy, delight
the texture of her soft skin returns to me, peaking,
I am only hers tonight.
And yet the sun is not in keeping
with the children of her Eden shores,
swallowed up by her catlike creeping,
why side to side, like waves of joy
crashing in curves of green velvet cascading.
Eyes ablaze, yet shoulders coy
her stare implodes my chest, inflating
waves of rapture, collapse, and drown me so
I am but a child of sudden, timid choice.
Why her eyes that say come hither, come slow,
that motion stills and vibrates with her voice,
yet I am a silent caress that goes
up and down her thigh intending, from her waist
to her lips; I am not a fool to woes
nor a child to her eyes unchaste.
Lo! Reflections of the crescent moon,
the night unfolded like dreams hidden behind her eyes
that call “lover,” to me soon
I know, and yet cannot impede reprise
for she is the sun that draws me out,
and I am the seed that sprouts ***** before her.
Choiceless and unaware of clout
hiding nothing as if nothing were
the object of my affections streaming
from the fingers stroking down my chest,
to lips that pucker open, and to her eyes, beaming
shatter the gray of storm and jest
that by the sounds of thunder repeating
could not find meaning in the apparatus of her smile
nor the significance of her heart.
Yet still I search beyond the mile
to understand what plays its part.
The answer must lie at dusk
between the hours sweet and bitter, which have no time,
but smell like musk
and whispers softly in sweet and gentle rhyme.
Nov 4, 2014
Nov 4, 2014 at 9:34 AM UTC
Suppose it was known at the first moment,
When you called on me to be your transition,
When you, through me, enabled yourself to punish men both past and present,
Vulnerable in me alone, left to liberate your power,
That grace would sever our connection.
I consented,
I am no victim.
Through you I've seen paradise through strength,
In you, I carried my hidden reserve.
I let you hold all that I know, and can be,
So that I could remain choiceless, and meek, in the average eyes of the world.
I gave to you. Love poured from me like a decanter small,
and made of magic,
And you simply drank!
You drank and drank to my spirit's inspiration.
It was unconscious greed, a taker's spirit forged from a foreign place,
One where mercy and love, where civility, honor, and thoughtfulness,
Never dared to infringe on the impulse to survive,
But it did inspire me.
Such basic and consistent placement of self first in the face of all that works to will one toward the world's masquerade of sacrifice,
Was as astonishing to me as the freak, the genius, the new constellation,
And I still struggle to understand what your experience of the world is like,
Without the indefatigable tug of duty pulling at your pulsing heart.
I reached my limit.
And this discovery of imposition has warranted me my own selfish wills,
I will not soon mistake them for the fancies of another.
But I will say that there is grace in you,
As you travel, composed of want alone,
Healing those you hurt just enough to clear and clean the path you fashion,
And I'll idealize you because you never humanized yourself to me.
Or wanted my humanity.
Our service to each other like points that hold along the sky.
I affix my eyes on your cold and constant light.
And discover a direction.
May 14, 2015
May 14, 2015 at 5:50 PM UTC
When I had no choice,I chose life.....
When I had one choice,I chose breath....
When I had unremembered choice,I chose my parents.....
When I had two choices,I chose to walk,
but when I had myriad choices,I chose you......
choiceless gave me choices,
and now I realized I can unchoose the blessed choiceless life,
through my sheer reverence and seeking thither my eternal maternal muse...
Sep 12, 2014
Sep 12, 2014 at 4:39 AM UTC
Perhaps a choiceless recording
An echo in the room
pressed and pushed like to straws on a broom
Set to simmer then boil
the plastic, the foil, bristles and coils
I'm like the tools of the kitchen
Used
I'm given a purpose without reason
There's a lock on the door without keys and
I just want to know
Jun 9, 2017
Jun 9, 2017 at 10:41 AM UTC