coffee helps keep me awake
but nothing keeps me up quite
like the thought of you loving
someone else

i'm ripping apart my body
at the seams trying to find
the parts you may have left
behind but so far i've come
up with nothing
i'm all alone here and i'm
only trying to find an escape
and i know i'm looking in
all of the wrong places but
i've got to look somewhere
right?

i know i'm sad most
of the time and also
usually hard to deal
with but you do it
and you make me
feel like i'm on top
of the world and i
don't think i've ever
been so thankful for
one person in my
entire life

i've been trying to stay
positive but it gets so
hard sometimes
i still remember that night
in july when i almost took
all those pills
and i still remember the
morning after when i cried
for hours because i was so
pathetic i couldn't even ****
myself
the depression hit like a
brick to the face and i wonder
everyday why me
i get so sad i can't even bring
myself to get out of bed for
days and no one even tries
to get me up
i want to be positive and happy
all the time but it's so *******
hard and i don't know how
long i can keep disappointing
myself like this

i'll tear my skin away
down to the bone
will you see me then?
will you notice my pain?
will you see how hard i'm
trying?
or will you ignore me as
though i don't exist?
******* it.
you are the whole *******
solar system
and i'm a piece of satellite
debris,
floating around you,
never really meaning
anything.

i told you about that time
years ago when all those
boys didn't care that i was
in pain and they didn't
care that i was saying no
and they didn't care that
i was crying and you did
an amazing thing for me
that night *you cared

i'm so tired of trying to make
other people feel better when
i can't even drag myself out of
bed half the time
i wish i could take my friends'
pain away so they'd all be ok
or at least better than me
maybe then i could focus on
myself but that's a distant
dream i couldn't reach with
fifty-foot arms
sometimes i feel doomed to
lay in bed alone and scream
at my reflection every time
i pass the mirror

look at me god
**** it look at
me and tell me
i matter and tell
me your parents
don't hate the
thought of us
loving each other
and make your
eyebrows do that
silly thing they
did at 2am that
one time in your
basement and
tell me this isn't
happening

you always said it could be
worse and that someone
else could be having a terrible
day but what you failed to
notice was that everyday was
a terrible day for me
i wanted you to understand
i'm not just going to get
better and that it would take
time but you pushed and
pressured and pressed on for
a speedy recovery that
never came
now i'm stuck with all of these
bad days and cigarette
burns and ****** noses and
where did you even go

my feet are freezing
and the smoke keeps
blowing back in my
face but that's not
going to stop me from
smoking this whole
pack of cigarettes
i'm only trying to
remove the taste of
your lips from mine
i'm only trying to
expell the poison you
breathed into my lungs
i'm only trying to
forget about you

all i really have right now
are these old photos and
memories of everything
that happened and that
recurring dream about
the night you said you
don't love me anymore
i'm trying to just forget
it but it's engraved in my
mind and there's nothing i
can do about the tears tonight