“I need something to take the pain away”

I need something to take the pain away
Not drugs, not alcohol
Something addictive but not deadly
Something that won’t break it’s promise
Something I can run to
Something that will protect me
Something that can teach me
Something that can change me

Something that will love me for who I am
What I’ve done
What I’ve said
What I’ve thought
Who I’ve hurt
The promises I’ve broken
The pain I’ve given to others

Something that can see the pain I feel
The tears I’ve hidden
The thoughts that I think
The anger I’ve felt
The words I’ve said to myself
The words I’ve written in paper
The sleepless nights
The walls I built
The cages I’ve locked
The endless flashbacks
The secrets I keep

I need something that understands the reasons why
I wake up feeling emotionless
I wake up feeling emotional
Feeling angry
Feeling sad
Feeling like a disappointment
Feeling like a waste of space
Energy
And love
Why I don’t feel loved

Why
Why do I feel anger
Sadness
Why do I get anxiety
Why I lock myself in my room and cry
Why I like sitting in the dark killing myself with my own thoughts

I need something.......... or someone that will be there for me and love me. That won’t betray me, that will forgive me. That will make me feel strong. Something  can grow with.

Or someone.

I think i'm sick
and I can't find out yet
if what I suspect
is what I should expect.
I'm avoiding researching
The internet
Because it'll put my mind in a panic
I can't afford to be manic.
I can't afford to panic.

i am afraid,
someone will not like me.
that someone will judge me.
that someone might look at me and think,
she makes my life miserable.

I will never admit to my faults
i will never admit that sometimes
you seem too much to handle and my brain goes into overdrive
and pounds, oh my god does it pound

louder than my heart against my rib cage when you say my name
harder than a jackhammer hitting concrete
a constant pounding, fuelled by this almost
palpable fear that you're just too good
and good never stays so I am waiting for you to leave
like the rest of them

I'll never admit to you
that I'm terrfied
and that sometimes tears fill my eyes
and my hands shake
and I get cold before I have to see your face
because I am so terrified of these
feelings? I guess they can be called that,
but they feel more like daggers rather than anything else.

they say that infatuation shouldn't feel painful
but my god it is
even writing this my heart is hurting
and that is what i cannot understand

why i have to make something that feels so safe
into a danger zone
in which, i am bound to get hurt
but this time, it feels like I am the perpetrator
of the mass destruction that is to come
and I don't know how to stop it.

The head tilts I usually face
After every troubled story
Are vanished

It seems, I’ve felt loneliness
And came back
To a good-minded woman
Who listens well
But doesn’t want to ignore
My hurt feelings
She just wanted to see more
Better things to happen
To the person she talks to

She chatted for a long time
Knew the truth about me
When in return, she taught
Several other valuables
That can cost trust and love
And some times, even life

What is the matter with me?
When I connect, I tend to abort
I lean to intentions
That makes a man a beast
That pollutes the calmness
Around us
I don’t want to be that person
And you’ve always balanced me

Until now,
You haven’t even been near me
But in my heart lies, your soul
And mine, in yours