I’m done with shame
I'm done with pain
It messes with my purity
And with my Identity

I'm done with holding myself back
For projections of the past
Right now the present moment
Is the one I want to last.

Courage, freedom and excitement
Curiosity, amazement
They're all my gateway to this new life
Where I'm living and I fly
And the shapes up on my sky
Come and pass, rise and subside
Kindly, unafraid to hide
For acceptance awaits
Those who know that all the greats
Lived with emotions running high
In front of their pen and their eye
Now, why would I
Not let the wind
Blow through my soul just a bit
Or as long as it’s needed
For the peace
I seek.

_M.

The air falls silently,
incomplete repetition,
***** office carpet,
flickering ceiling light,
empty, collapsing, cubicles.

The wallpaper fades before your eyes.
People change.
You will die.

It takes emotion to be a true friend,
not presence,
just care,
intention.

Work will eventually mean nothing.

It doesn't matter if you are remembered.

Memories bleed a bed in which to lay.

The ribs break.

Clattering silverware as your parent's worry wins.

Silent dinners seeping dread.

The window panes crack,
dissolving into your mind.

You dream merely what you want to see,
not for others.

Crying heard muffled through the walls.

Futile attempt.

Shaking hands.

Scars, existent as not.

Childhood smile.

Scraped knee.

Painful silence.

It will all be good-
day,
night,
tomorrow,
future,
past,
-bye.

Stay with me one more moment.
One more minute.
One last time.

It will be okay.
Everything will be okay.

Hair adorned
with rainbow glee
good tidings brought
to noble thee

Bones are weary
thoughts are cloudy
heart is heavy
sighs are breathy

But on this day
the snow is thick
the days are long
with brightening sun

And your radiance gleams
like dragon's treasure
tucked away in secrecy
your beauty and its measure

For love you have
to share in oodles
soft as silk and satin
warm, like labradoodles

You give of yourself
and want for nothing
so here it comes
a day of wonder

For today you were born
and continue to live
continue to fight
continue to give

So receive instead
these joyous words
to thank you for you
for being a friend

Though life is heavy
and the snow layers thick
your smile lights the world
and in our minds, stick

my healing is
my gym
my book
and you

i’m healing from
the gym
the book
and you

Watering the plants
is not a meaningless task
crumbs of green in their pots
growing as they please
random yet adamant
i'm a little tired in this
early summer evening
on this 18th floor balcony
they have become my scenery
perhaps not willingly
but i feel natural and fulfilled
the goldenrod
the boat orchids
the spearmint
periwinkle and lantana
i fill a plastic container with water
slowly i imbue it into the
gradually darkening dusk
earlier i was reading some blogs
with lofi music playing on my phone
fresh and fluent
the mood is like opening a door
then another door
the plants enjoy the melody now in stillness
they make no further comments.

Turned off the gravity to lessen the weight of my shadows.
But did that ever work, or was the melt down what follows.
Trying to focus on anything other than me,
Maybe that made it easier when it was I who undid me.

You can live in a dispassionate, destructive state,
You can keep adding worries and doubts piling up your plate,
Darkness falls like an avalanche moving at an exponential rate,
Its not 1 into 2 but 1 into 3 then 3 into 9,
Then when every part of your persona is taken apart by its design.

Who is left and who am I?
What is left when the birds won't fly.
Who will care when the clock strikes 12,
When the day is over and your down on yourself.

When the world has had it's pound of flesh but still wants more.
The fatigue is suffocating expanding from my core,
It fills me up until it leaks like tar from my pores,
Muddles my mind twisting 1 thing into a 1000 thoughts.

I'm like an overgrown child
in this world
who keeps bumping
and stumbling
I've tried to change too
its emotional intelligence they say
so i put on a mask
and learn to walk smooth
learn to speak in an confident way
but then my true personality
would be exposed soon
becuz the mask makes me breathless
i start to despise the pretense
so I'm back to square one again
and keep banging my head
the world is too big and tall
it's supposed to be able to accommodate all
kinds of people
the first thing you need to do
is grow up
but the only thing left is
i am standing still
i am not afraid anymore
of being alone
i just want to pursue
my own sun and moon.

Legs pumping, muscles screaming
Eyes transfixed, seeing but not seeing,
Mind wandering sometimes dreaming
Heart thumping, loudly beating.
Body glistening, pace increasing,
No thought other than just breathing,
Inner voice gently pleading,
It's against me that you're competing.
Hardened gaze, resolve seeking
Any thought of slowing down but fleeting,
End in sight, goal achieving,
In determination solely now believing.
Then it’s done, smile cracking
Hands on thighs, tension fast releasing,
Time to rest, morning breeze fast cooling,
A sense of private purpose sweeping.
This day’s success a moment surely fleeting,
Yet little tops this burst of joyful feeling.

I know two older men that I used to care about, that go to the ER about 100 times each per year. Costing 100's of thousands of dollars to medicaid and medicare. As far as I know they never really paid taxes, which really doesn't matter to me. They go to the ER, only to be sent home, as their insurance is billed. One of the men, went to a local doctor 4 times in past two months...the 4th time they said they found a spot on his lungs, and he needed to come back and have it checked. He went yesterday to have it checked, and I am sure they will find it has gotten worse. Anyhow, he was at the ER twice today with breathing problems and high blood pressure. I had told him two years ago that if he keeps going to the doctor, they will find something. What we choose to think about always becomes more intense. If it is disease we think of, we get disease. He is all to pieces and I can't say I care, since this man watched me stop taking heart meds that they claimed kept me alive, and that was two years ago. He uses the local Catholic charity constantly to get free food, and then ends up at a Catholic hospital, sick. We manufacture sickness and wellness within ourselves. No faith needed...just belief. Our biology is what we believe it is. We are the only animal who can supposedly die of millions of different diseases. Think.