I’ve done it since I was a child,
Collapse onto your lap as if the world was a little too heavy and somehow your body moulds to my form, weight. Accommodating every sigh, listening to the symphony that is the sound of your tummy gurgling late at night.
I can no longer fit into your arms, I am no longer your tiny footed photocopy. I have now grown strong, powerful- forged from the flesh of a titan.
Somehow, I always want the world to meet you but I know I don’t talk about you nearly enough.
It’s because no words could ever accurately capture the nuance of mother nature that is you.
And you are my mother, the force of nature from which my biological cloth is cut.
You are home in the most primal sense and I am in love. In love with the way you carry yourself, soft hands, kindness rubbing rythnmic circles on my back when I feel sick.
You are the foundations of my soul on two legs and I will always be thankful for the nature of your love, firm but constant, like a waterfall.
In a constant stream your love has broken rock, moved mountains and convinced me I can do the same.
You are a force of nature, powerful beyond belief.
You are my mother, and I will always be your child.
Standing in the sand storm of life my feet will always remain firmly planted on the ground, well aware of the roots from whence I came. You are the freshest breath of life that I have been lucky enough to be nurtured by.
You are my mother, warrior, laughter in inappropriate moments.
You are my healer, you are the wind that blows the sea that is me , onto the shore- further each time. Destined to achieve more.
You are an ambitious icon.
You are the love that vibrates in each of my cells, you are the boldness in each step I take- affirmed and aware that rejection has no claim to me, pales in comparison to the great love I have received.
You are my mother,
Four words which will never begin to capture the power of who you are and what you mean to me.

you tell yourself you won't love someone too much, that you wont give hundred percent of your heart, that you would still leave some for yourself. but how can you not love without reservation? how can you not love with what's all of you when every time you look at him, you see that he is the sum of every beautiful piece in this life? and so no matter how broken you once were, every shattered part of you falls right  back into place, perfectly making you whole again. and that's when you learn how to start loving someone fully again.

I light cigarette after cigarette
to sort my own thoughts into piles of “*******” and “worse *******”
just to create some kind of order in my head.
I told myself to never stop trying,
to never stop learning but,
I continuously find myself reviewing the things I've known for months
and even years.
I think sometimes humans get too comfortable with their minds
and that's why the human brain never will never be used to its potential.
Personally, I have gotten way too comfortable in the past couple of years.
But the comfort I obtained was none that could be considered enjoyable or blissful. I have became Comfortable with lying and being lied to.
I found comfort in the makeup *** that lasts 20 minutes after the two days of crying. I found comfort in the word crazy because at least I wouldn't look stupid.
I looked very stupid.

I almost never questioned if he was the right one.
Not because I believed he was, because I was too scared he wasn't.
How easy is it to fall in love with the wrong person?
True love has to be easier? Or is this it? This isn't what I've dreamed about.
This isn't what I read in books and it's not what's on mtv.

There's never a happy ending.
The only happy ending I've ever known is laying down,
in the seats in the back of my car for a quickie to ease the tension.
I hate ***. He made me hate physical contact. He made me hate mental contact.
I just wanted to sing songs to each other while dancing in our underwear.
I wanted to twist his tiny curls.

He wanted money.
He wanted to work.
I wanted to go to school to create a life for us.
He wanted me to stay here and stay miserable.
I wanted him. He wanted her.
That's how the game always worked. I wanted one thing, he wanted another.

"I love you"

If it hasn't ripped apart your soul
you haven't experienced it.

Silence is my office.

Surrendering is the key.

Receptivity is my tool.

Dwelling in The Divine Information.

Transmitting frequency of the Love unconditional.

For the Whole, for the One.

You'll never know how much I miss you
I don't think I could explain, either way.
You could only imagine
How much I miss you.

When I open my front door,
I don't see you spin around
on the linoleum floor
Tapping your long nails across it.

When I need to go for a short drive,
You don't bark when I grab my keys
and slip on my shoes
Like you normally do.

Like you always had.

You don't get to ride shotgun
or hang your little head
outside my window.
You don't get to take a nap
and keep the seat warm
whenever I'm gone.
You don't get to hide behind the seat
as soon as you see us
turn on the road to the vet.
Every day you'd sit and watch
outside my window with anticipation-
probably couting down the seconds
until I'd come back home again.

You don't get to anymore.

I was so proud of you.
You never did anything worthy of punishment.
You only growled when someone tried to move you
while you slept curled up next to me
as if you were trying to protect me
from anything that could hurt me.

And the look in your solemn brown eyes
was all the apology I needed
to gather you in my arms
and tell you that you were forgiven.

The way you loved me leaves me astonished.
How you'd slowly walk back to me
and put your head in my hands
after I accidentally stepped on your toes.
How you'd continue to sleep next to me
through the restless nights
when I'd nearly kick you off my bed.

I had always felt so bad.

When your eyes grew clouded
and your ears went silent,
you'd still see my arms reaching out to you
and you'd still hear me calling your name-
And even though you became a little slow,
you'd still know when I needed you most.

I'm always filled with sadness
when I think about how your years
come and go much faster than my own.
How I won't get to spend
the rest of my life with you
or wake up each morning to your quiet yawns.
But I'm also quite at peace
Because you were able to spend
the rest of your life with me
and awake to my hand between your ears
reminding you that I was right beside you.

But-
Now that you're gone
There's a small hole in this heart of mine
that will never be able to be filled.
Because that small hole
is shaped for you and you alone.

With each day, it gets easier-
Easier to live without you, I suppose.
Because of you, I will never be the same.
I'm more joyful, more hopeful, less concerned for the 'morrow.

But this couldn't ever change
how much I miss you.
I don't think I could explain, either way.
You will never know how much I miss you.