when people ask what depression is like, what do you say?
because i am struggling with how to tell someone i feel nothing and everything all the time. that one minute i feel on top of the world and the next i want the world to swallow me whole. how do you tell someone you think about killing yourself everyday but that they shouldn't worry because if you haven't done it the last 300 times you thought about it, you won't do it today. how do you tell someone that you're sad but that some days your sad is a cry for help, and others it is just your reality. how do you tell someone that laying in bed all day feels like too much work. how do you explain to a happy person that you have to tell yourself good job for brushing your teeth. how do you tell your mother that her little girl has thought about suicide more times than she can count. how do you shatter your mothers world on your bad day and then tell her you are ok on your good day? how do you explain the difference between bad and good days?
how do you tell someone that you don't like that you cry every day but you don't know how to not. that you aren't happy that you're sad, but you're happy that it helped you grow to be stronger. because i am stronger, right? or maybe i just tell myself that because it helps? no. i am strong. i'm strong because i didn't crash my car into the tree going 100 like i planned to. i'm strong because i didn't swallow all of my pills like i planned to. i'm strong because i got up this morning. i'm strong because i am alive. i am strong because i am writing this.
- you are strong for breathing and i love you
i truly don't know how to explain what it feels like.
