i feel the new year coming
i haaaaaaate the cold so bad
if all goes according to plan then i’ll have my mom’s ashes after christmas
i’m working on the gym ****
to be completely honest i’ve started restricting again, longest i can go is two days ehh
i’m working on the social phobia
i’ve been places myself with earbuds and you know what i’m proud actually
i still haven’t self harmed
idk exactly how long it’s been since i self harmed
i see the therapist on thursday so i suppose it’ll be a ****** tHurSdAy. Jk.. ? Um it really is just poor humor and i hate myself
work ***** but it’s gotta be done so i’m doing the thing
drinking lots of water
yeah
xoxo
-faith/ nobody

it begins with a single slice.
then you start to feel it,
the adrenaline.
the excitment.
you feel the desire,
you long for more.

after the longing comes
more longing,
longing for the feeling,
desire for the rush.
soon you give into
the temptation.

then the guilt sets in.
shame about the ****** lines
on your arms.
shame about the scars
then you remember.
the adrenaline.
the rush.

then it begins again...

the sun sets at
four pm today &
here i am again.
reading poetry with
a stolen cup of
wine from my
mom’s cooler in the fridge.
as my cat sits next to me
coaxing me back from
a depressive ledge
for half an hour
as i read & watch
people richer than me
go shopping on the
television.

you kept me company for
a day & a half
and yet
it’s less than 24 hours
later and i want to jump
again.
i can’t tell you my last
words because then
you’ll try to stop me &
i can’t live with that.
i haven’t been able to.
and if i don’t call in-
don’t call back about
that job application
i always let
everybody down.

i wish i had the sleeping pills now
because this liquid courage might
let
me
drown

I don't deserve what I have

1. I don't deserve to be alive
    So can I trade my life for
    Someone more valuable than me


2. I don't deserve to be loved
    So please give your heart to
    Someone who can love you more


3. I don't deserve happiness
    So direct your smile to
    Someone who will smile back at you


4. I don't deserve me
    So to myself
    Find someone else to be