Thoughts have stopped being my own
An unknown finger presses play
And when I get surprised by an original
That which I think becomes difficult to convey
What I want in life and from life
Has no meaningful connection with the following day
Forced into this empty role
No two cents in the character I display
Prewritten by something else
No angel but not a devil per-say
Rather an capital punishment believer
With zero concern for my welfare either way

©2024

Today I felt incredible sadness.

Sadness that I could not help,
Those around me and those far away,
Sadness that I am not doing enough.

I thought about the needy,
How much someone could support them.

Why couldn't it be me?
What can I do to help?

I do wonder.
If I may possibly be...
Cursed?

Maybe,
Don't develop feelings anymore,
We're trapped in,
Insanity...

You talk to someone.
You get interested.
You start to get feelings,
But out of respect,
You hold them back.
We talk a lot,
Then out of nowhere,
A shift in the world...

Either one or both of these...
You get bored of me,
You see that I'm just,
For you.
Or...
You find someone,
I no longer catch your eye.
Yet for both,
It's just zero communication.

So now I have all this,
Small information of you,
Making me once again,
Get upset about being,
Too interested,
In making someone
Smile.

I guess I must be,
Cursed.

Anxiety, the ever damnable beauty
You twisted my love into sins
You bend my trust into truths;
You are a rose that doesn't have thorns
Instead you're armed with thousand swords,
And in them I found myself
Always wounded—
Always I fold.

In the end I am a jester,
Laughing like a fool,
Kneeling in front the gallows
About to lose my darling head;
The stench of all the depraved
Mixed into a harrowing essence called Despair
Seeping into my soul as it pollute the air.

Darkness hugs me as my only friend
Crystals stained the pillows in my bed;
I know there's no problem
But you cunning devil incessantly whispered to me,
That they are always near.

Want to know what terrifies?

I claim
I am afraid of heights,
why?

my first thought
is
to
jump
.
.
,

The spider web of my mind
spun with such complexity
leaves me wondering inside
what on earth is next for me

On weekends, I usually indulge in mundane pastimes in which life duties have no bearing.
Going on leisurely walks, watching films, or making acquaintances. Ah, the art of living!
On most weekdays, however, I often find myself drowning in murky and troubled waters.
Where expectations and obligations gather in a swarm, taking on sharklike features
Striking after telltale signs of surrender. Leaving trails of existential horrors in their wake.

What would it take to flee and veer off the current course? I’d then sit and ponder.
To chase after rosy-deemed dreams made entirely of garments, needles, and thread.
Confiding in parents amidst the chaos is also a proven futile effort because —
‘You’d outgrow your fleeting obsessions,’ is what they always confidently mutter.
Opening room for more doubt and despair to barge in with a loud clatter.

But I learned to hide my biting resentment underneath layers of feigned indifference.
Mastered the craft of walking in confident strides and etching on saccharine smiles.
Because what good comes from performing a Shakespearean tragedy before prying eyes?
However, when the game of play-pretend becomes taxing, and patience starts wearing thin
I seek refuge in my bedroom vicinity, where I freely entertain the blood-spattered what-if musings.