I haven't talked to you in a while.
I haven't seen your face as well for quite some time.
My thoughts devoured what my heart wants to say.
For a long long time I've been keeping this a secret.
I've been waiting for the right moment I'd tell you this.
But that moment never came.
And then my soul withered away.
Fading into the grey.
I've been sick and tired of playing games with my own mind.
With playing sceneries that are impossible to happen.
I hope I'm still sane.
Because as far as I can see, I'm still head over heels for you.
But now, I'm tired of getting my heart broken again.
I don't blame you for it though.
I blame myself.
I broke my own heart.
Of all the bravery I've mustered over the years, it's when it comes to love that I've been such a coward.
I broke my own heart.
I'm the main reason for it.
I don't know if I have a chance on you or whatnot.
I just chose not to love you anymore.
I chose to be over with you.
I hope as I pray that you see this letter.
To tell you how much I was grateful for all the things that happened between the two of us.
For all the moments we shared and the smiles we exchanged.
I cherish them all but I can't bear to see you with another man.
I don't know if you have one or what not.
I just can't stand it.
Because I love you that much.
How selfish of me to say those things but that's the truth.
As simple as it is.
And if I can't have you the why should I spend anymore time in a world that's gonna end pretty soon?
This is not a suicide letter or anything to that similarity.
I just want to say all that I have to say.
I will disappear from your life from now on.
I will never show myself to you anymore.
Or talk to you or call you at night.
But please remember still that once you call my name, I'd still come running.
How hypocritical this may be,
That's how love tangles you and spins you at it's fingertips.
And I had to admit, even though I'm done, I'm still spinning.
4 days and 3 nights.
More than half of it I spent with eyes wide open.
Hoping I would see you in the dead of night or in the light of day.
Hoping we could talk in private with no bullshit excuse my mind could think of.
But nothing was made, nothing came about.
Save for the night where the underlying truth was brought out.
At that moment, I got all the chance I have to tell you everything.
To tell you what has been going on and why I left in the first place.
But my thoughts hindered my tongue to speak.
Not because I'm scared but because of how strong these facts are, it can destroy you as it has destroyed me.
I know it's been almost 5 years since we first met.
Since I fell deeply in love with you.
Since I had the heartbreak that defined it all.
From then on, I told myself that I would let you go.
Set you free as they say for me to find peace.
That happened, but peace was never found.
Wherever I go, you still find a way to come back to me.
I don't know why but I tried countless times to forget you but still you choose to come back every single time I say I've moved on.
Even when I had my first real girlfriend, we still had fights involving you
From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for what has happened.
I'd write songs or poems of how I hate you.
Of how you were the poison I'd choose to drink.
Of how you destroyed me.
I made it as an excuse for me to think of you in the context of being a musician.
But that did not help me to forget you.
That's why whenever you see me, you'd see me with a cigarette in my hand.
This is because it's the only way for me to be on a state in which none of this had happened.
I somehow tend to forget everything about you when I drag the smoke down my lungs.
It's my only escape from you.
And once the flames are out, you'd come back again.
And that's when I'm gonna light one up again.
Until I ran out of sticks to light on.
I don't care if this would make me sick in the long run.
At least it kept you at bay.
Don't get me wrong.
I wrote this not because I despise you.
I just want to tell you the truth in which I buried for so many years.
I still love you. I know it sounds obsessive.
It's creepy and ugly as shit.
But I hope at one point in your life you choose to love me. Even like me so to say the least.
I know that's not possible though.
How lucky am I right?
But at least you know the truth.
I'd be the man that would make you feel safe when you feel troubled.
Will protect you from whatever's bothering you.
Would surprise you with stuff you like and greet you at 12 midnight when it's your birthday.
I'd be that man that will love you with all his heart. Will stay faithful to you.
I'd be than man who would give a fuck about you.
But how can I do these things if they have been given and done to you by now right?
There's so much things that need to be said.
This is me coming to you as a man who would wait.
If given the chance.
If not, I will just choose to be happy for you.
I am not forcing you to break with your current one or anything.
I need him there to take good care of you.
To be in the right place where I should have been now.
Lying next to you.
Kissing your forehead as he sings you to sleep.
Just remember, when you need any help.
I'll do my best to lend you a hand.
If you need someone to talk to, I'm more than willing to sell my precious time.
And if you'd call my name, just know that I'll come running.
I cannot fathom how you manage to wake up everyday.
With a smile on your face.
Even though you carry the weight of the world.
I know you're tired. Drained. Stressed out.
Hell, coffee doesn't work for you anymore.
My love, you need rest.
You are free to come to my arms and get one.
I'll surround you with the warmth of my love for you.
You are such a strong person.
And I admire you for that.
I am greatly proud of you because of the things you do everyday.
At home, you still work.
Hours and hours after your shift ends.
Countless seconds spent on doing those spreadsheets.
Nothing left for you to sleep.
And you wake up in the morning already tired before you start your day.
My God. I just want to give you a long long hug.
Just for you to appreciate that the efforts that you're making are not put to waste.
You told me you just want to cry it all out because you're so tired.
Here I am. I'm all ears. Willing to listen to every word you say.
Love, if only traffic is not an issue here in our country, I'd fucking go to your workplace every after your shift just to fetch you and give you a ride home.
Just for you to somehow experience comfort for a few hours.
With no hassle whatsoever on getting a bus or a cab home.
If only that's possible for me.
We rarely talk right now because you're so busy.
I miss the sound of your voice.
I miss seeing your face.
I miss seeing myself genuinely smile when I'm with you.
Please don't let your work kill you slowly.
Slowly but surely, it's tearing you apart.
I know you love your job so much.
But please, spare some love for yourself.
Makaramdam ng ganito.
Kinasusuklaman, Kinamumungian. Galit na galit.
Sa aking sarili.
Tuluyang nagpapalapa sa mga demonyo ng aking utak.
Tuluyan ang pagisip sa mga aspeto na di naman talaga pwedeng mangyari.
Binantaan na kita, aking sarili.
Sinabi ko sayo na tigilan mo na ang ganyang idealidad
Ngunit sa bawat pagkakataong makita ko ang kanyang mukha.
Ako'y bumabalik sa dati.
Lahat ng pinagsamahan ay nanunumbalik.
Sobrang linaw sa aking paningin, kayang ibigkas ang mga nangyari.
At sa kung ikumpara man, ganong kalabo ang ating kalagayan sa isa't isa.
Tuluyan kong binabalik-balikan sa aking utak ang mga pangyayari.
Tuluyan kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na 'Sana maulit muli'.
Tuluyan kong naririnig ang iyong kwento at boses.
Tuluyan kong nakikita ang sarili kong nakangiti.
Sa iyong presensya ako'y nakumpleto.
At wala na kong hihingin pang iba, makasama ka lang muli.
The chill breeze of the midnight air.
Dancing atop my dry skin.
While taking a hit at my 2 day old cigarette.
I look beside me and saw that I'm all alone.
Wishing I'd be with you.
Praying you'd be by my side.
I just want to hold your hand while looking at these beams of light shining in the dark.
Feeling the cold swing of air.
Sharing a cig.
And later on, sharing lips.
Oh what a burden I bear.
Not because of the workload but because of the time.
So much time has been wasted in travelling to work and home.
On and on and on without end.
Hours and hours with no avail.
Spent on the road. My second home.
In which I spend almost half of my day with.
Rather than being at home.
I am completely amazed of your existence.
On why you have torn your wings and kept yourself at bay.
Instead of you soaring high and flying away.
An angel in disguise.
Sent from above.
A being immeasurable of beauty.
Of elegance and grace.
Nothing can compare to you.
A being transcending time and space.
Nothing can compare to you.
Yet my heart chose you for you have shed light in my cold dark world.
You touched my heart and made it's blackened blood red again.
You are the souce of my happiness and the reason why I bear a smile in my face each day.
A smile never withering away.
I hope you take the chance to glimpse your eyes on these words coming straight from the heart.
Just know, my pure affection was with you right from the start.
And with that, I am still spellbound.
I never thought I'd see you again.
I never thought my eyes would glimpse at your innocent face.
My God, yes, that is correct.
I now have a God and that's because of you.
The way you called up on me and the way I didn't notice you was sort of like out of a love story.
Every scene was perfection.
Even though it's just for about half an hour.
Even though I know for sure it'll take long for us to see each other again.
It was perfect.
Your reactions to my card tricks when we were at the cab.
The way you gave me a hug and kissed my cheek.
The way you said thank you for I was the one that took you to your first day of work.
It all left a smile on my face.
And that smile never withered away.
I have been tired of living my life full of sadness.
Full of regret, abandonment and misery.
I'm sick of being sick of the world.
I don't know if this is long term or temporary.
I just look at the other side in which the grass is much greener.
No more room for misery.
No more space for tears.
No more will I shoulder the weight of the world again.
For you have come and showed me the light.
And painted a smile on my face each day you talk to me.
I just hope it's for long.
Because I don't want to be in the same corner again crying myself to sleep.
Thinking of ending my life with nowhere else to go.
Despising the heavens and embracing hell.
No, I don't want that again.
I want happiness.
And I find that in being with you.