I always justify the existence of my being.
Questioning if it deserves to be existing.
But still I haven't had an answer to these theories.
Rather I am still bombarded by more questions with no definite result.
I guess all this is just another phase.
Another chapter in my book as many would say.
Yet the words that were written seem to not make any point.
Seem to not make any sense to the circumstances that fate has brought me.
Will I ever be guided to my deliverance?
To my full potential?
I told my self that I'd let life take me as it is.
Just as the waves make the ship course through the seas.
Hear me out. One last time.
It's hard to express with words how the downfall of my being is occurring.
It's hard to lead your consciousness into nothingness when you are always on my mind.
Oh how I wish I could bring you back to me.
How I wish I could talk to you again.
How I wish I could set another gaze into your smile.
How I wish I could be with you again.
But all these wishful thinking is none compared to your apathy.
My soul continues to deteriorate as I fill my lungs with smoke.
My thoughts continue being wounded as it turns to scars leaving a mark of your face that I see even if I close my eyes.
It's so hard that the angel and the devil sitting on my shoulders beg me to stop and continue with my life.
They scream at me and even unite to bring peace to my soul.
Yet my heart chose to wither.
Wither with you.
You told me your painful past.
I know you're willing to change.
For far too long you just want to be accepted.
I am here with arms wide open.
But you tend to look away.
I know you're finding yourself and you told me that the one who can fix you is you alone.
But what if the missing piece to the puzzle is something I bear with me?
I don't know.
I'm probably saying all this shit just to persuade you to be back.
Yet all the words and all the poems I wrote for you all came from my wretched heart.
A heart full of scars and full of wounds.
A heart still bleeding and beating for you.
I am poisoned and it's dangerous.
The very spirit of me is petrified.
Petrified of the thoughts rushing through my head.
My soul longs to be cleansed
However, this rotting stench of death
Is still stinging the very core of me.
Having a tight grip on myself.
In which if I let go, it only tightens up even more.
I am left with a minute feeling of happiness.
Which I am suprised that there are still evidences of it left.
No progession. Only stagnancy.
Perhaps this is the way that I am being shaped by fate.
Or it is just another chapter in the wretched life I live?
It's way past my bedtime as I type these words.
This insomnia literally is a curse.
I wish I can drill my brain to bits
Just so I can make myself forget.
But still you run through my mind even after the sun has finished to set.
One month of happiness.
One month of gloom.
The pain overweighed the affection.
As I prepare myself for doom.
I question myself if even a single strain of it was real.
Or was I completely deceived?
I don't know...
So many questions yet to ask and still you have no answer.
So many left to die and still you watch me suffer.
I am left trudging in this journey we call life.
As I get the point that living is the slowest way to die.
You seenzoned me.
But I understand that there's more to it than not responding to my message.
I think you're doing it for my sake as well.
For me not to bother you again.
You're keeping yourself at bay in order for me to stray away.
I think that you did it in order for me not to instigate further conversations with you.
That would lead up to me, thinking that we still have a chance again.
I think you did it for my well being.
For me to totally stop thinking of you and finally move on.
Or you're just tired of me going over the same shit again.
I don't know.
Well, all of these are just assumptions til I hear something from you.
But that's fine.
You did the right thing.
I lay here in my bed on a Sunday morning.
Listening to the noisy karaoke and off pitched singing of my neighbors.
Irritated by the sunlight.
Alone and with nowhere to go.
My thoughts consume me again.
I tell myself to stop thinking about you but in doing so, I tend to remember everything that we did in a short while.
I tell you, it was perfect.
We were perfect for each other.
But you chose to leave. For the sake of the both of us.
I was planning so many things since this was your birth month.
I plan on giving you gifts, your favorite string of chocolates,
And take you to a simple yet fun dinner.
But eveything was scratched off of the equation ever since we stopped seeing each other.
And it hurts me to see that I still have feelings for you while you are rock solid.
I don't know why but I think that's just the way you are.
And who am I to say...
This will be the last time we'll ever talk.
And it pains me deeply to ever see us in this state.
I just wish nothing but the best things in life for you.
Because that's what you deserve.
And if ever you call upon my name, I'll answer.
I'll be there for you.
Because that's what I was here for in the first place.
It's dangerous falling in love with you but still I took the risk.
No regrets. No bitterness nor anger.
It was the best of times for us both.
I'll never forget the feeling when I look into your eyes and you look back.
You were gazing at my soul.
And it left me gasping for air.
You gave me the warmest hugs and the best kisses in such a short notice.
I'm addicted to the taste of your lips.
And that will make it even harder for me to forget.
I deleted all our conversations, all the memories we shared.
Just for me to forget you.
That's what you wanted me to do.
To set you free. And believe me, I'm trying real hard to do so.
I just loved you that much that's why it was so hard for me.
And now we're back to being strangers with a mark in history.
I've been telling myself to stray away from you.
In order for me to forget.
But how can you take your mind off of something that was so perfect?
I guess it's time for me to re evaluate all my life decisions.
I don't know.
I've been stuck in this hell hole again.
The agony of a heartbreak is too much for me to bear.
Especially this one.
For so long, I have been in a dark path right until you came to me.
You've always left a smile on my face without you knowing.
You've always made me happy in such a way you do it so effortlessly.
I don't know. I just don't know what I'll do without you.
Maybe I'll move on. In time and I hope so.
Maybe not. I can't really tell.
I'm just thankful you were there with me.
We shared moments that only a few people in this cruel world may ever experience.
We had that spark in both of us.
You were the fuel and I was the flame.
And you were as well the extinguisher.
It has been a fast month for the both of us.
So many things have happened.
So many moments to be thankful for.
Those warm hugs and soft kisses of yours.
Is what a man has ever dreamt of.
We've had our share of laughter and deep talks.
All of it are still running through my head.
I'll never forget the moment when we first talked.
And asked if you're into magic.
And from then on, everything was history.
History perfectly written.
I feel like we were two intertwined beings separate from each other.
Now found one another.
And once again separated.
This day has been the longest, darkest and most excrutiating day I've had.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not even mad.
I'm just sad we had to end like this.
I'll miss everything about you.
And here I am, romanticizing a heartbreak again.
Back to my old ways.
Stuck at the corner of my dark room.
Smoking my lungs out.
Having thoughts of the void again.
Til I cry myself to sleep.
Makaramdam ng ganito.
Kinasusuklaman, Kinamumungian. Galit na galit.
Sa aking sarili.
Tuluyang nagpapalapa sa mga demonyo ng aking utak.
Tuluyan ang pagisip sa mga aspeto na di naman talaga pwedeng mangyari.
Binantaan na kita, aking sarili.
Sinabi ko sayo na tigilan mo na ang ganyang idealidad
Ngunit sa bawat pagkakataong makita ko ang kanyang mukha.
Ako'y bumabalik sa dati.
Lahat ng pinagsamahan ay nanunumbalik.
Sobrang linaw sa aking paningin, kayang ibigkas ang mga nangyari.
At sa kung ikumpara man, ganong kalabo ang ating kalagayan sa isa't isa.
Tuluyan kong binabalik-balikan sa aking utak ang mga pangyayari.
Tuluyan kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na 'Sana maulit muli'.
Tuluyan kong naririnig ang iyong kwento at boses.
Tuluyan kong nakikita ang sarili kong nakangiti.
Sa iyong presensya ako'y nakumpleto.
At wala na kong hihingin pang iba, makasama ka lang muli.