Glare at me all you like,
I won't throw you
the detonation charges.
You'll have to find another way.
I lost sight of things
from the very beginning.
Blindness is such a relative term
though. I can see you,
I just can't see me.
Why? I can't justify.
Bias will fry us
for sure, but at least
it'll be a clean burn
--spiritual and environmentally safe.
Giving up cannot be an option,
so I will soldier on.
Death should be its own reward,
but I always hoped for more...

…But I fail to grasp…
I really do.

And I fail to write too
about the colossal confusion
in my mind's realm.

To be free must always create glee.

And freedom, consequently,
must incontestably be
the loftiest of all bounty.

✽

…But then they say:

Do not run away from your instincts
…of survival, love, anger, ***…
for if these instincts were not of value,
nature would not have given them to you.

And I muse: Is it true?
Is it?

this incomprehensible link between being free
and the ineluctable visceral slavery?

Won't it rather be that no sooner than you begin to try
to attach (or detach) value to this view or the flip-side

freedom…would indubitably fly

…away?

And then they say that one must surrender.
And thus I agonizingly wonder:

when the mind doesn't wish to unwind
…to let go…
and you bully it to do so

you still cannot be set free

for it is only they who say:
Whatever you resist
shall persist.

✽

And I fail to grasp, I really do,
the cryptic intent of this concentrated glue
of chaotic desire and cardinal instinct
inherently inbuilt
by nature's very own inscrutable mechanism
in (wo)man's puppet-like plight

and then making salvation

the sole noble right
of a free spirit.

✽

An afterthought mulishly survives:

Why?

You cant have it, you live it.

You cant find it, you grow it.

You cant take it, its endless.

You cant give it, its given.

No valve, no damper to slow the flow,

Open with the strength of a fire hose with no nozzle to aim,

It floods everything.

Drown in the expansiveness of love,

The most sweet surrender.

I'm trying to keep you out
But you won't stop pulling me in
Just like a tide in the ocean
But I don't know how to swim
I'm holding tight to the docks
While begging you to stop
I'll keep on tightening my grip
Knowing sometime soon I'm bound to slip

I can't keep holding on
But I don't know how to let go
You can't keep pulling me up
I need to fight these battles on my own

I'm so tired from all of the fighting
My muscles tight and wound
Sometimes it feels like I'm going to snap
I don't know how to stop this from happening

Everything starts to freeze
My lungs are shot
and they've forgot-
ten how to breathe
I'm learning to let go
Not looking for a rescue
heart beat starts to slow
I just want to let go


Feels like I'm breaking...

how could you take so much from me
while convinced i had nothing to give?
lay me down by the stream now
if nothing else, wont you please let me live?

how did you ****** my head in the water
and still find my lips cracked and dry?
leave me down by the riverbed
if nothing else, wont you please let me die?

Oh, how I’d love to just surrender
Give up the fight for my life
Stop taking the meds
Put up with the withdrawal
Let it push me over the edge
Drink myself into a stupor
**** someone pretty
Slice my limbs and bleed...
Stop going to therapy
Stop trying to explain
Stop trying to hide
Just surrender
Give up
Give in
Let
Me
F
A
L
L
.
.


.



.





.

Yielding to the demands of this predicament,
My mind hard-wired to bear this suffering,
My heart has lifted the burden of resentment,
And yes, life, I want you and all that you're offering.

I know pain that can torture a stoic mind,
I know beauty that can paint over the darkest shadow,
I feel joy so intensely, it can make me blind,
Yet the darkness catches up, it might find me here tomorrow.

Zoom in on life and it sure can look ugly,
You have to transcend that thin point of view,
The masterpiece was always there to see, far beyond the idea 'me',
More wondrous than I thought it was, it turns out that I am also you.