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Bella May 17
beep beep
   thank you for reaching out to the national crisis line
      hi im losing hope and could really use a sign
   we are connecting you now to a therapist online
      okay thats great because im not doing alright

beep beep
   hello thank you for reaching out tonight
      hi i feel loveless and bleak, im ready to see the light
   but you matter so much, i want you to thrive
      i cant take it anymore, i dont think i can survive

   no matter how it feels, repeat to yourself this line:
   no matter what happens to me, i will be fine.
   no matter what happens, ive been through it and survived
   no matter what happens, i will be fine tonight

<3
ive been struggling recently and decided to share a little bit of advice on what helps me out. its just a little advice from a national crisis line, to contact them text RISE to 741741. theyve helped me through some rough nights and i hope they can do the same for you
Marla Apr 27
Nineteen years ago,
I was born to a woman
I've yet to know.
She would holler and cuss me
Up and down,
Beating me into a mist
With an open fist
And her furrowed brow.

I tried to expose her vanity once.
She broke a mirror 
And slit my throat with the biggest shard.
As she did so,
I heard her say
"Toughen up, because this life is hard."

My tears drove the blood off the glass
As I sat flat on my ***,
Reflecting upon who I was
As the mirror foretold
Who I would not become:

A horrible woman
Destroying what she was meant to love.

Now, I sit abandoned in my car,
Low on gas and not going far.
My soul has gone
And passed me by.
O lord,
Am I misery's child?
I still remember what she last said,
Those violent words echo in my head:

”Apologies, but you're no longer our problem.
We held up our end by getting you in debt,
It's not our fault you don't know how to spend.
We at least try to pretend like we care,
But you're so inconsiderate and spoiled.

It's not so hard to get a high paying job,
I've had one here since at least '03.
Seems like you're just pretty lazy to me;
Go to unemployment if you're hungry. 

Don't complain or try to change it,
You shouldn't have been born
If you're not "man" enough to make it.
Millennials like you are all the same,
Getting in the way of my retirement. 

Your generation has really gotten lost,
Homosexuals now have their own **** cause.
They're protesting and lying
Saying that the world's dying,
I really don't have time for all their *******. 

Now I guess it's time for you to go,
Have fun being homeless and broke.
I wish I could see the look on your face
When your world crashes down
And your sanity faces extinction."

My existence is a heavy one,
But I simply can't resist
The burning temptation
To look back and reminisce 
On how much of my childhood I miss.
The toys were for playing,
Sick days for faking,
And holidays lushened my savings.
The world was full of wonder
As well as excitement,
Nothing could pull me under
Or tamper with every precious moment. 

Hindsight is 20/20,
But nostalgia is more a rosy haze.
That's why I know that with 
Every jolly laugh or hearty smile,
My parents beat me down
So that I'd forever stay mild. 

The scars in my psyche still mix
With what I want to believe
My past really is,
But time has taught me
That wishing for a better past
Won't help us save the future.

I read a poem many years ago,
It's message of hope and freedom
Seems to have gone the length it could go.
Feeling the author's ethereal dismay,
I adapted it to our modern age:

Not unlike the monster for which it was named,
With debaucherous whims that divide foreign lands;
Here at the briny, gilded portal to our home now stands
A hollow woman with a torch, whose warmth
Has become faded and disheartening, and her name
Mother of Philistines. From her once guiding hand
Emerges world-wide distaste; deranged eyes ransack
The smog-filled harbor that dystopias fame.
“Keep, other lands, your progressive pomp!” shrieks she
With welded lips. “Take our tired, our poor,
Our huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of our teeming shore.
Take these, the homeless, tempest-tost from me,
Lift your lamp as a guide and take them all!”

Heavy as it all may be,
I've witnessed this to be reality.
They drive around
In fanciful cars,
Acting profound
And giving us scars. 

Don't trust them for a minute,
our commanders in chief.
They'll leave you diminished-
Hollowed like Swiss cheese.

My routine now is so hollow and boring,
I've made a list and by god I deplore it:

Awaken
Rise
Walk
Empty
Clean
Kiss
Goodbye
Drink
Eat
Sleep
Aw­aken
Boredom
Silence/Music
Boredom
Loneliness
Sadness
Arrival
Hello
Kiss
Talk
Smoke
Lo­­ve
Eat
Watch
Goodbye
Watch
Smoke
Sleep
Awaken

(Repeat ad nauseam)

At least now that I have a new job
I can feel productive and not be a slob.
Rise and shine, time to cruise away;
Rushing out in the dollar's name
As my life is used in vane
For poor commerce's sake.
"It doesn't matter if your heart aches
Or if tragedy gives you a teary shake
You better not be late
Or you’ll eat from an empty plate
And starve until heaven's gate."

Arrrrgh! I can't bear the aching strain!
It seems I'm stumbling yet again!
My mind is slipping swift-like;
Kindly please step in this time.
Taking a bend distracting the pain;
Faking solace standing in rain.
Let’s sink a hearty round o’ drinks,
Glasses half full with a browned out tint.
Pipes smashed as stability abruptly shatters-
Life’s abashed daze subtly ceases to matter...

But then,
A calming voice
Guided my head
And decided my soul
It was to mend:

"Breathe deep
And digress painfully
As the slow burning march
Of time's progression
Takes your soul."

Then a message that came
From the ether one day
Did tear my soul sore
In a way I cannot explain:

"You can't stay young forever
___

Life will try to leave you behind anyways"

And so, I posed a question most should:
"Why live life if it's joys are no good?"

But ARRRRRRRRGH!,
THE AGONY, THE PAIN
I've suffered so much and it feels all in vane.
Fighting my demons within a cage
While this mounting plume of rage
Boils up throughout my veins.
If I could snap now,
You bet I would.

Learning to live with ancient pains
Scarring my feeble brain
As she soaks in her bloodstain.
If I could snap now,
You bet I would.

Standing out on the edge
Wishing I was dead
As the wind pushes my head.
If I could snap now,
You bet I would.

But my life ain't history
There's still plenty left to see
Like a day when I stand free.
I know I can't snap now,
I've got to see it through
So that one day this tale may reach you.

I'm much wiser now than I was long ago,
It's been 8 months that I've been taking it slow.
If I know anything now, it's that life isn't a trap;
It can be more of a trip if you learn to fight back.
But you have to love yourself first
Here, I'll let you see
The words I wrote for you to read:

"Be kind 
Every time
Your reflection
Meets the eye-

Who you see
May just be
The person
To set you free."

That's all she wrote about her life and journey,
So many times it could've ended with a gurney.
Now take my heed as a call to arms
For our armies are millions thick and much too strong.
Let us relay this message to our tormentors,
Who have ****** at our souls like feasting dementors:

We, The Progeny
Have toiled too long
&
Shouldered too much

For us to deserve
The moniker of
"Children"-

Henceforth,
Call us all "Atlas,"
For we carry your 
Trespasses against this world
Upon our bloodied shoulders.
The adapted poem is based off of "A New Colossus" by Emma Lazarus, which is immortalized on a plaque at the base of The Statue of Liberty.
All other poems and musings in this suite were written by me.
To look after yourself is the greatest thing.

But how to do this when you've never been looked after.

To know when to stop and when to start. Is difficult when you've had an uncared for heart.

Always at the bottom of the pile, guilt creeps in, can't laugh or smile.

Stay locked away and feel shame and sin.

Please someone look after me.

No,  I can't let anyone in.
Mom
Who cares for you Mom, when you
cry alone?
You give and you give
so much
to your children
and to all who are fortunate enough
to cross your path

But what about you, Mom?
Who holds your hand when your shoulders shake
from the strain
of getting up
and moving on
even when all you want to do is curl up
and have one more minute
before facing the day

Its okay Mom, sit down for a bit
take that breath you needed
you don't have to be strong all the time
why should you, when your in
the deep end
flailing for peace
clawing for acceptance
and fighting to find the meaning
behind
every
blow
that's dealt

Your dreams, something to cherish in
quiet moments
have been shoved to the bottom of your
starving soul
for so long
you cannot hear their screams anymore

What I would give to heal your wounds
and take away the heartbreak
for you deserve to sing until
like a balm
it soothes away internal festering

"Chin up," they say, "You are brave."
Well I say, "Head down, dear one."
"There is bravery in the strength it takes
to show that you are hurting."

So Mom, when you are struggling
to deal with a unending sea
of pain
close your eyes
breath in
and out
wade into the dark waters
and let
the healing
begin.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
To Mom. Who is the strongest woman I know. Who has faced death, and pain and loss. Yet she is still standing. To all the brave mothers out there.
You are seen.
You are appreciated.
And you are loved.
too soft Apr 5
Do not blame yourself for her undoing,
You are not at fault for the uneasiness in her brain,
the poison that has seeped into her skull.
You’ve plucked the thorns from her bleeding hands, taken the blades from her skin.
Comforting words have been offered,
Your warm smiles hardly ever returned.
She continues to dwell in a dark place,
Giving you only brief moments of light.
Please do not blame yourself for her undoing,
how can you expect to help someone who does all they can to hide their demons?
Zero Chase Mar 30
So many thoughts racing
I just keep pacing
These devilish thoughts are the ones I'm facing
So i just gotta turn away
No i aint runnin
But im starting a new day
I sent my demonds out to play
I locked the door behind them and told they could not stay
I put my emotions in a box and sent them away
I look well and alive but deep inside I don't wanna face the day
I wanna lock my self in a room
Because I still got missory and depression knocking at my door
I got anxiety and bi polar creeping threw the floor
I can't go back to the old me but he has me pinned to the floor
I can't take this ******* any more
Foot on the gas and it's to the floor
Trying to stay on track
But the simple little crack turns into the canyon
I feel so deserted an abandon
Family don't even notice it or care
Friends are hardly even there
Felt like I was almost there
The top was in reach
Now I gotta find every peice of the puzzle again
New shapes
New peices
Amanda Mar 16
I really love you

I wish I could write that phrase over and over again
How it is in my mind

I cry for you sometimes
Hope for salvation for your soul
Wish happiness for you
Also for me
Every once in awhile for us
Rarely for her

I think about you when it is sunny
Think about you when it's raining

I miss you when the sky is clear and blue
I miss you even more when it is cloudy and storming

The wind reminds me of your fleeting smile
The ground of your even voice

I miss it all too much
Care too much

Every mention of her breaks one more piece of me
Each time I hear her name I feel like crying

I open my heart up to you
When I'm done I feel raw and exposed

I'm struggling with the patience to wait
I need you too badly

You bring so much joy
Bring me so much pain

But if no one else believes you
I will believe IN you

It's worth fighting for..


YOU are worth fighting for!
Written back in my high school days.
It’s not always a relationship that makes you feel empty and sad sometimes it’s life that hits you hard and makes you realize that YOU ARE NOT DOING ENOUGH // not enough to make your small circle happy // not enough to pack a bag and roam freely // not enough to order a stacker // not enough to make ppl affiliated to you happy // not enough to smile from heart // not enough to waking up to a thought that everything is fine // not enough to make your heart feel that you did good // not enough to be able to fix everything // I feel I’m losing this all slowly // the way you talk, the gap between your words kills me every time just hold on please I promise I will fix this, I have to fix this to make every thing enough and make you happy for real ♥️ I’m trying to be strong and it’s hurting me more but I’ll be standing strong next to you and make you happy I promise.
Em Feb 27
She
i don’t need to eat i say
i’m filling something else instead
The Monster that lurks around every corner
the one that whispers to me at night
She controls my every thought
if  i am good to Her
She is good to me
i want to make Her happy
want to bring Her joy as we look in the mirror and step on the scale
displeasing Her is bad
It leads to tear filled nights
so i do what she wants make Her happy
day in and day out
until She consumes me
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