Just the frenzied need to get it out
Just the raw feeling
No anesthesia
No anesthesia
How I'm the rotting tooth you cut out of your mouth
How I'm the stinging paper cut that you slapped a Band-Aid on
How I'm blank paper
How I'm all blank slate
How it meant nothing
How I can't slip the shoes on now because it reminds me of wearing them around you
How I keep them in the closet
“You'll know I got them for you”
A “think of it as a memento, every time you look at it”
No hesitation

The beat-up heather gray Ellen DeGeneres shoes you bought for me
Unmarred and untouched
How the card still resides in the bedside drawer
Or didn't think about the card you got for me
But did that anyway
Bashfully admitted that you normally didn't do that
Twined your fingers around mine,
Or how you eventually held my hands,
Because you never did it
Or think about how you'd hold me after ***
Because you never said it,
How it was during an ******
On your tongue
Feel of it in your mouth,
And memorize it,
Or playfully say my name
Or write poetry about me
As I impressively recite your full name, down to your deceased mother's surname
As I say your name, more than my own
Or try to recall the sound of my voice
Or my smile
And never think once of me
And talk with your coworkers, all female
And flirt with your receptionist
And receive your paycheck
And go to work
And walk your dog
As you go about your day and pay your bills
Multiple meanings that you don't care to explore
The simplified “hey,” kind that's pithy and vague
Late-night message compositions
It's not, it's just not
Oh, **** me, it's not like last time at all
See that you don't follow me back
Send a friend request on Soundcloud
Tell myself that you won't say anything
Compose another message but leave it unsent

Lower and lower
The faint dark hairs trailing down the otherwise smooth navel
Sought my approval
Sought approval
How you asked me repeatedly, shyly, if I was okay with that
How you wanted to shed that weight
The barely-there protrusion
Memorizing the soft roundness of your stomach

Stupid little nicknames that I would **** for now
T-Money
T-Swift
Tay
Tay
Taylor
You playfully saying my name
Your lips moving,
When you coo to your Papillon
When you're talking to me over a bowl of quickly whipped up oatmeal
Encouraging me to touch myself in the ink-spilled darkness,
Murky, and blurred outline of your hand
Try to remember what your voice sounds like –when you're angrily yelling about Hearthstone

Gnash my teeth and don't realize it until ten minutes later
Get up and turn the fan so the stream of air blasts unforgiving onto my face
Toss and turn in bed—literally—throw the duvet off
Think of the shirt you were wearing in your last profile picture you had when we first started talking
The one with the dusky blue V-neck
Study your year-old profile picture that I told you looked good
Listen to music on Soundcloud
Look up jobs instead
Don't actually do it
Debate re-adding you
Look over your profile on Facebook, my secondary account
The “hey, I hope you're doing okay” kind
Late-night message compositions
Splintered and fractured
Bloodied veneer and strands of hair

Porcelain sink
We were so lonely and misunderstood
You were...
It's just a dream though, just a ******* dream

"i bet death feels like emdless, dreamless sleep." this is the source of my near constant anxiety. I wish i knew God. i don't believe in anything. i didn't think about what that meant until after i tried to **** myself. endless, dreamless sleep. maybe there are dreams, few and far between. feels like nothing. imagine nothing. i exist, feel these things, take up space, die and feel nothing nothing nothing. but then the infrequent dreams become more. constant lucid dreams where the neon sky vibrates and the entire world does what i tell it to.

i am not afraid to die.