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  Nov 2020 kas
I'm ready to forgive you
but forgetting is a harder fight
kas Nov 2020
I am a long list of synonyms
For the word “terrified.”
Most days, I couldn’t even tell you
Why it is that
Kissing you feels like
A twenty story free-fall;
A swan dive into a slab of concrete
Like swerving into oncoming traffic
Sometimes the butterflies in my stomach
Turn into a hornets nest
And I am unsure of how to handle it
When your heart falls asleep
Next to the hole in my chest
I keep thinking that you’re only here
Until you get sick of me,
But you never say anything about
My cold smile
Or my ice cube teeth.
I think you’re trying to melt me
I didn't kiss my first boy until i was 25 and it was really scary.
kas Jul 2018
for every pierced ear on
every ******* planet earth,
i can count another reason why
i am not like them.
they say i just haven't found my place yet,
but they don't know
i've had the map backwards my whole life
i'm lost the way a shoe on the side of the highway is lost
i'm the crack in the wall
that your mother covered with a painting
i'm the bulb in a string of lights
that burned too bright and flickered and died
i've been sitting on my emotions for so long
they're only pins and needles now
nobody screamed when
i asked the world to forget about me
like when you say something in a crowded room
and nobody even looks at you
all i have to do is ask myself  for
a way out; look myself in the eye
and say, "it doesn't have to be this way,"
i think about last november
that day i lost blood in the bathtub
as the water got colder
and i keep my mouth shut
but i think that i am cursed
to walk through life with glass
in my eyes, and i'll get my
ride in a hearse before i
am twenty-five.
there's shrapnel and
pieces of old photographs inside
every scar on my left arm.
dirt and grime
from the last five places i've lived reside
inside every canyon carved.
all i want is for somebody to
look into the hollow sockets of my head and
see me
but i don't think i need a heart to
sleep next to the hole in my
chest, i just need to put
this thing to rest
kas Jan 2018
"i bet death feels like emdless, dreamless sleep." this is the source of my near constant anxiety. I wish i knew God. i don't believe in anything. i didn't think about what that meant until after i tried to **** myself. endless, dreamless sleep. maybe there are dreams, few and far between. feels like nothing. imagine nothing. i exist, feel these things, take up space, die and feel nothing nothing nothing. but then the infrequent dreams become more. constant lucid dreams where the neon sky vibrates and the entire world does what i tell it to.

i am not afraid to die.
kas Jan 2018
did i ever tell you about
the dream i had where
your name was on
every page of my phone book
and all the numbers were wrong
what about the one where
i'm in the hospital
and every doctor that
checks my pulse and takes my blood
has your face
or how about the one where
you're dying of cancer
and you can't stop yourself
from living life too fast?
and you swear the answer to
every question is a
significant something from your past
cigarette smoke and diet coke
and the weary tone of your grandfather's voice
as he spoke about the end of all things
and we had to remind you to stop
saying such sharp things as
words sliced your throat
and we all choked.
what about the one where
you roll your eyes at me
as we're flying through the windshield
your spine snapped as you
told me it was my fault
we crashed the car
i spit my heart up on the pavement
and watch it beat.
how about the one where
you keep sticking your fingers
in my hair to warm them up, and
every time you pull away
my mouth falls open and fills the room
with a thousand reasons to stay
or how about all the bad ones
where the only time your eyes hold
any color is when they aren't
locked with mine
the ones where the entire world
goes silent when you speak
and i can never quite catch
what you're saying.
kas Dec 2017
somewhere beyond the baseball fields
inside my mind
i see myself in a linden tree
toes grazing the grass
with the perfect knot of a noose
tight around my neck

the names of all the people
i've never met
and all the places
i've never been
fall from my mouth
and from my mother's eyes

i won't apologize
  Dec 2017 kas
paler than the ale that we drown in
downing it harder than we search for meaning
living fast and dying faster
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