Words
pushing against my chest
longing to get heard,
trying to fit into my heart

Words that I have so carefully
not let in
That I have so intentionally
left outside,
not giving space for them to be spoken

It's just stupid, isn't it?
How they always catch up on you
Whether it's through a sound,
a stroke or simply through a word
How they always stay, no matter how unwanted they are
They always stay

just like you.

Self-Examination
Check your vitals

Snap the Nitrile
Up to the elbow

we're gonna stretch and
pull the protector down.

Play an Avant-garde film
no sound, but

I noticed
you spoke it

credits were rolling'
down your cheek

nothing certain but death and taxes
left handed laughing' laxatives
In the coffee of mothers
Who pump out politicians.

This year You scavenged for Christmas
a life worth living
by killing intuition

stash it
in an Easter basket
in silicone lashes

push the ashes together
then burn the mattress
That's the sand.

through fingers, you make a fist
3rd grade principal

pulled you from detention
In a stretcher

white royal flush in the trenches
You fought to be human
all you needed was
a breath of attention

who said you could end it
win it, prescription of tribulations

from whatever God you'd scavenge for Christmas
he put you through it

all the abuses
habits

black and white canvas
silent obscuring angles

You're more than mannequin

who prayed for this madness
who pays for the therapist
If you even have it
who kept you out of church
And into church basements
writes the book of curses
force fed sedative

Says he went to college.
His Suit is stained in coffee
Yet you're the burden with the vices?

The film is over
the light flickers darkness
we sit in the coffin

smoking' and screaming'
blood is flowing, but there's

no fire
we're just speaking'

what happens after 3AM
witching hour that one scene

when the camera angle was
blurry.

it spoke to me
said self examination can't be

latex
you gotta s
nitrile

they're cut resistant
cover five fingers

not just one appendage.
Blue hands protect you

more than a stranger
so button your blanket

take down the black curtains
sun was always shining,

closed it
to blurry our focus

could take our Macguyver theater
wallpaper canvas stretching

hit us in the temple
like a parshah

finished another session
the blessing of human language

the messenger
malakh, without expectation

we fumble to understand
Scalpel in hand,

ventricle in tact
we're just holding' a feather pen
stick our hands in the past

take a look in the mirror
And write it all down.

https://soundcloud.com/nicholas-coulombe/self-examination

Depression is a disease that so many people do not understand.
Depression draws you in and makes your life awful; a living hell.
Depression makes you want to crawl under your covers on your bed, pull them over your head, and act like the world around you  doesn’t exist.
Depression is a hole that I fell into and could not get out of; Could not escape from.
I was left kicking, screaming, crying, wailing for help but staying completely still and completely silent as to not let anyone know that I was struggling; that I was suffering.
I was left screaming, screaming that my name is not Alice and this is not Wonderland. Why am I falling into this hole that is not the rabbit hole.
Why am I falling into this hole.
Why am I the one that has to suffer.
I once read in the Bible, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
But I did not feel cared for.
I did not feel God nor did I want to convince myself to believe that I did.
I was stuck falling down the rabbit hole that is my depression, meeting the Mad Hatter of which I’d like to call anxiety.
I felt so small when everyone else thought I should feel so big, so happy.
Not trapped in a jar, but in this “amazing” place that we call Earth.  
“You should be happy to be alive.”
“You should appreciate all the things that you have.”
“You should just be happy.”
I’m not happy to be alive. I do appreciate the things that I have.
I can’t “just be happy.”
It’s not that simple; stop making it out to be that way.
Depression is not an emotion.
Depression is not just something you say you have when you get sad.
Depression is a disease that so many people do not understand. Nor will they ever.

We were five years old full of laughter and joy

We thought nothing could touch us

Invincible as we ran through the field at recess
We swore we were the
Fastest
The quickest

We grew up together?
No.
we grew apart together.

held hands with my best friends
In 6th grade
Making a pact that neither of us would do drugs

But it's three in the morning
And I'm smoking my second bowl at the beach.

Traded my Capri sun for a cup of lean

We run from the cops because we still swear we're the
Fastest

The quickest

We still think we're untouchable

Even as we walk through these halls sleep deprived

Nobody knows what happened last night

We wish we didn't know what happened that night

We refuse to acknowledge the events of that night

We won't even manage to look at each other in the eye

When they ask who's at fault
We repeat
Not I
Not I

So what does this mean for us?

Is this what we were so excited for?
Is this the moment we were so impatient for?

I couldn't wait to grow up

Now we're in the bathroom throwing up

These drugs we refuse to give up

I'm lost in a life that I was not prepared for

It's not like I didn't have a plan

In fact,

We had a plan

V was going to be a teacher
J was was going to be a fire fighter
N was going to be a power ranger
don't know how but we were five and everything seemed possible

And I
well
I wanted to change the world

But you know things happen

People change

V is having a baby
J is moving dope
N is six feet under

And I?
Well,
I'm trying really hard to keep it together

after that night we were just not the same

We lost ourselves
Just not the memory of that night
Unfortunately

Some parts I remember more  vividly

My skin feels *****
Just remembering

I know you felt guilty
And I have to admit that
For a long time
I hated all of you

But never as much as I hated myself
For losing control

For not finding the words to say
No

For thinking that maybe,

That maybe if I drank enough
I could drown the voices in my head telling me to **** myself

I wasn't satisfied with my life
I'm still not satisfied with my life
No matter how much alcohol I drink
No matter how much I fill my lungs with smoke
It won't ever fill this empty void.

Everyone was laughing and dancing downstairs.

But I felt sick.

He said he would help me feel better.

He was my friend.

My body felt heavy I just wanted to lie down.

I could smell the tequila on his breath as he whispered

"Trust me".

I closed my eyes in hopes that he would stop.

He said
"Don't worry, I've done this before"

My voice was gone
I stayed there in silence

He left to the bathroom
I left his bedroom
Stumbling
Crying

He almost got what he wanted
And nobody helped me

Instead,
We tried pretending that nothing had happened

We all blamed each other

Best friends forever
But
No longer together

I'm done pretending that nothing happened
I'm done making up excuses as to why I freeze up when I'm touched at times
I'm done staying quiet

But I want you to know that
I'm done being angry
It wasn't your fault
I shouldn't have blamed you

And despite everything,
I forgive him too.

I remember back when were five years old full of laughter and joy

We thought nothing could ever touch us.

Back when we were

invincible.

I wonder if he cried this hard.

Hard enough to be heard if you were really listening.

But soft enough to be dismissed completely if you weren't paying  attention.  

I wonder if he felt his chest rip apart as he imagined his mothers face as she walked into her sons room to see him dead.

I wonder if he replayed every little thing that lead to his death.

I wonder if he tried to scream out for help.

I wonder if he threw everything on the floor of his room in desperation.

I wonder if he was angry?

I wonder if anyone knew

I wonder if they were listening

I wonder
if
you
are listening?

I lick my lips

they still taste like you
and I bask in the remnants of a dream
that seems
close enough to smell
through laundered sheets
blood at the surface of yesterday leeches
into tomorrow

on badges of honor that hold no shame
igniting the flame
each in the shape of animal love
primal feasts of flesh
and I run moist in remembrance
a response I have yet to control

the thought of your voice or your breath on my skin
burns fire within
without ever being near
I feel your longing
chasing my own

my body screams in liquid silence
your voice walking the line
entwined in the root
of my evil
vibrating a symphony in prelude
carried on a laugh that growls
to the beast that howls
begging to be beaten into submission
...again

I lick my lips
...they still taste like you

Every time
You extend your hand
I reach out to emptiness
Vacant
Words
Toying with my emotions
You play the game
Always winning
With your looks
Pale skin
Red lipstick
Smeared on my collar
Where your head would lie
All of those times you lied
You see it differently
Of course you do
Playing the victim
Saying I’m always attached
And that’s why you would never
Take this dive with me
In reality
Terrified
Of what would happen
If you committed to something
Other than yourself

Simple seeds
Turned roots of trees
Built on lies
The most famous
‘Everything is Fine’
Climbing the branches
Escalating the deception
Until there is no way down
No savior around
A prison of invention
Forged by the best intentions
A forest of fabrication
In the spirit of deception