I left you alone to go wander
And see all the places you could
But people are more than their faces  
they blend in with more than they should
I thought we were on the same mountain
And moving with all that we knew
But you were a seeker in hiding
A dreamer who never came true  
So take every day of existence
As something you've always embraced
There's more to this life than you've offered
Than you've ever given away
I'm back on the border of solace
And trying to work for my keep
For there lies the secret of living
We find what we lose in our sleep
I will not proclaim that I had you
As much as I want to say, "yes"
you've never been more than a stranger
A quiet, untouchable mess
I made you an anchor of nothing
And hoped there was something I missed
But I have been waiting in vain to
Admit we could ever exist

The valleys too deep
The dark is too black
The road is too long
But there's no turning back

The road's been chosen
This burden to carry alone
The choices I make
I try to condone

Asked once how many I've saved
I looked up not knowing what to say
I can't remember them, the ones that live
For the saved are not the ones that stay

Six is the number I lost
Six that I revisit each night
What if something was different
Did I do it all right?

Six is the only number I count
For they are the ones I see
The ones that haunt my nights
The ones that stay with me

Another black kiss on my eyelids......

cigarette butts in the fireplace
never seemed so lonely
six more days until i see your face
and all i can think about is
the last time you said goodbye
you leaving the door open ajar
just in case i was going to come
running
but i didn’t
because i thought you would
five more minutes until 12 am
and maybe since you’re turning over
a new leaf
that i, would be your midnight kiss
life is not that sweet
life is not that simple
four empty bottles on your
headboard
oh, my spectacular love
what have you done to
deserve this
do you still feel the same?
the whiskey on your breath
telling lies to your demons
preying on the vulnerable
three brothers laughing at thanksgiving
and you
sulking in the corner
thinking about my lips
or maybe my hips
the rings around your eyes was
the closest we ever got to marriage
two people in a photograph
overflowing with love
or maybe lust
his hand in hers
the first snow of the year
resting quietly on their hair
footsteps on the beach
cigarette burns on his heart
one more chance
is all i’ve got
for you to remember our hope
wrapped in gold paper
i wish upon it
i wish

they call it self harm like you are the one hurting yourself. I can tell you that six months ago I was not the one carving hate into my skin. but people don't want to hear that. people don't want to hear that my skin has been razor free for half a year because that would mean razors have touched it. I know this because I told my best friend about my hobby and they are not my best friend anymore. people only want to be friends with survivors. no one wants to be around long sleeves regardless of the weather. no one wants to be around a rain cloud on a sunny day. no one wants to go on a drive with you if you always end up at the same bridge. you have to learn how to be your own best friend. you have to learn to put the razor down. you have to learn how to love yourself. you have to learn that scars heal and people change. six months ago I did not know this. I've learned I've changed and so can you.

i missed you, but not anymore

Its night's encapture that provokes thoughts.