I'm losing them.

The endless walks

where we made up songs to entertain ourselves.

The boring car rides

where we annoyed each other to **** the time.

The late evenings

where we whispered our darkest and deepest secrets

-that now don't matter anymore- to each other.

The big promises and the silly bets

we made with our pinks.

The little contests in the park, at school, at home, in the streets, everywhere.

I didn't see how much those moments meant to me.

Until I realised that I'm slowly

losing them.

l.t.

There's something that doesn't feel right
When I moved out and told you this was best for me
Or when I didn't say goodbye to my little brother because he was outside playing
are both things I did for logical reasons
But if it was so logical
Why am I laying here alone questioning my reasoning for what I did?
Because now things just don't feel right.

I wait for fourteen years of my life
to be the big sister .
And that waiting was worth it.

Now I'm one , a big sis
I got one charming little brother.

Still I remember the day,
I held him in my arms.
He was so tiny and cute.
I was scared that I may hurt him.

Thanks to the Almighty .
I just don't know
How I should thank my creator
For blessing me, my cute little pie.

Dearest Sister,
How come you only think about yourself?

Our dog died and you kicked me out of the room because you wanted to be alone with him
What about me?

You got to sit there for hours with him, holding him as he fell into a sleep he wouldn’t wake up from
But I was sitting in the car
With a Dad that was on the phone with everybody and anybody
Trying to hold it in for as long as I could without breaking apart in front of him.

Dearest Sister,
How come you only think about yourself?

How come you tried to make yourself feel better about kicking me out?
I’m your little sister.
You’re supposed to protect me not break me.

Dearest Sister,
How come you never liked me?

I was only a kid and my first memory of you
Was of you being mean.

Dearest Sister,
Why are people so mean?

You were mean to me
So I was mean to you
And neither of us were willing to fix it
And now it’s too late.

Dearest Sister,
Why is our family so dysfunctional?

Why did you dangle your depression over our parents heads like it was a noose
And if they ever told you not to do something you would kick the chair out from under your feet?

Why did you think that was okay?

Dearest Sister,
You say that you can’t stand being home
So you’re always out
Hanging with your friends,
Driving down the countryside.

What about me?

Have you ever even thought about me?
About how much I needed to escape the mess that is home?

Dearest Sister,
I’m sorry but you messed up.

You ruined any chance of a relationship with me.
The things you have done are toxic to me
And I think about them all of the time.

So now I’m thinking about myself.
I love you,
But I don’t.

Goodbye forever,
Your lonely little sister.

Khloe.
You've got the sweetest smile I have ever seen.
You have blond hair like I did when I was 2.
You have the bluest eyes in the whole world, and I hope they stay that way.
I want you to know that you look more like I do than the rest
of your siblings.
Your mom told me once that you'll never
be as pretty as Kendal or Kaylie,
because you look more like dad and I.
You're so shy, and timid.
That's not a bad thing; it means you wont get into very much trouble.
For how much your mom calls you stupid,
you're actually pretty smart for a two year old.
You get your brains from me.
You're beautiful.
You'll always be beautiful to me.
Be proud of who you are, little sister.
I want you to know that I love you, and I will always love you
with all of my heart.
I don't know when I'll see you again.
Your mom and dad made it pretty clear that I am not a part of the Downey family anymore.
And if that remains true,
maybe someone will tell you that not one of your
sisters love you like I do.
I'm gonna miss you out here, Khloe.
I hope that when you're older you'll remember me and find me.
That you wont be mad that I missed out on so many
years of your life.
I hope that when you're ready, or if you even want to,
you'll come find me and then we'll talk.
But for now, I have to keep my distance from your family.
So I wont be seeing you at all.
And it's extremely painful and my heart breaks a little more everyday.
But I know that it's for the best for me and maybe even for you.
Who am I kidding? It's what's best for your mom,
but we wont tell her that.
I love you, little sister.
I hope to see you sooner rather than later.
Love,
Your oldest sister, Jordyn.

there is a certain kind of motherhood
only an older sister knows is true
to not have borne a son from womb
but to have a friend of same blood
be a son, a gift and a light too
there must be some divinity in this
to be the one he calls on when
the cupboard is kilimanjaro for this little stranger
who is on some days foe and most days love
to be the santamaria as he climbs
on your own young shoulder blades
searching for ****** shores in worn out rooms
to be stronger than the thunder
that rumbles outside his bedroom window
to be stronger than you usually are
for the little boy whose arms cling onto you for peace
even when you are as pale as the moonlight
he claims to have followed him into our home
there is some strange purpose in this
to be guardian, disciplinarian, caretaker and girl
all at once
when our mother is too drunk to hug her son
when our father says nothing but hello
there is a kind of love
only a sister knows hurts this much
when that little snip of a man grows into boyhood
just as he grew out of your arms
when you are no longer every wonder of the world
you are simply a companion
and on good days: a comrade
always a sister and mostly a friend
there is a strange pull of the heart
at the sight of boyhood in motion
to see him cry and laugh and hurt just as you once did
to bear witness to his ripe exploration of the cosmos
and you think to yourself: were you ever this young?
he looks at you with eyes that mirror your own
yes. yes you were
there is a certain kind of motherhood
only an older sister knows is true
it is the nostalgic repetition of summers that once
seemed to last forever
it is holding your brother tight
when he is brave icarus before the fall
even more so when the time for tragedy comes
and your young, young brother realizes
that he does not bleed ichor like the gods
he bleeds red very much like his sister
there is so much love in this