Can't stop thinking about him
Can't stop thinking of his ****

Do i really want him?
Or just his ****.

I felt it last night
That feeling of empty.
When you blindly throw trust,
And hungry hands choke it to death.
I couldn't breath.
Skin raw and stung,
You burnt me with a fiery poker,
Branding me a fool.
Calling me out for my desperate need
To be longed for.
I felt numb as you held me.
Yet too hot.
Walls closed in.
I stared at your ceiling,
Wondering when it was okay to leave.
Collect my pride from the floor and go.
I am just a piece of meat
I forgot,
Sorry.
Thank you for reminding me of who I am.

Those moments you left me to my thoughts,
I felt a familiar warmth.
Slightly comforting being alone next to someone

(Slightly messed up is what it is)

I felt slightly nothing.

When I left, your back was turned.
And I could breathe again.
As if I had been holding my breath for 14 hours.
(You had me for 14 hours)
That's how long it takes to learn.
I found money on my way out,
I stole it.
I felt I deserved it.
You wasted me
My time
My body
You insulted my intelligence.
I stole cigarettes as well.
To pull the life back into my lungs.
Funny how something so intimate and personal,
Can become a power grab.
That's when I tune out.
Go limp, numb, turn off my brain.
I wish you had paid me...
Give me a good Yelp review at least
5 stars
*******.
I felt scared.
*******

The closest thing to
heaven I've known was between
her hips and her thighs

5:50 PM
16/5/20

You never said anything
because it was him.

He was the one
all of the other girls
dreamed of.

He had the kind smile and the curly hair
and you had drank too much and you had been reckless
and you had acted like you wanted it.

"You'll ruin him,"
they said.
He was good kid.
He had a good future.
He had plans.
What about him?

What about his finger tips
that left bruises across my hipbones?
Or the way he shoved his tongue
down my throat?
What about all the other girls before me?
And the girls after?

What about me?

So you keep your mouth shut.
You listen to your friends
talk about him in passing.

And you never say anything.
Because he is him
and you are you.

I am a woman

I am a woman
who loves women
who loves men

I hate that I get confused
I hate that I act differently
depending on whom I’m with.

My name is Mayara Deo
I have a shaved head
I wear man jeans
I spread when I sit

And I rather prefer to be called masculine
than feminine

Still
I love my female body
I feel **** in bikinis
I feel **** in boxers
But I feel observed
         preyed on
         & harassed in bikinis.

I am a woman
I do have a ******

Still
I hate being told that I am not a man.

I hate that I still confuse
my identity
my sexuality
my being

for the sake of society’s expectations of
of whom I should be.

I crush on guys

I crush on girls

I have loved a man

I have loved a woman

And if one day
I love a person
I hope to marry them.

I hate labels
**** stereotypes

And
I ******* hate that they’re ingrained.

I hate not being considered
stable
sure
a manly-woman

a womanly-man.

My name is Mayara Deo
I am a person

And I want a person
to fall in love with my mind.

I don’t care to bear children
I do want kids
I want to always have a career
I want to care for my home.

I want to be seen as an equal

I want to feel comfortable
wearing a suit on date
with a man.

I want to feel comfortable holding my girlfriend’s hand

For I want to feel valued
as myself.

**** all men

**** all women

who choose to not understand

why I feel so confused:


It’s because of you.

touch me feel me
I'm here I'm real

face your fears
grab me there
squeeze my thighs
and look me in the eyes

I'm what you need
I'm the flower you feed
when there's no light
oh how you grab me so so tight

I love those lips
and how you grab onto my hips
and I've never had another
whos been as good as a lover

oh how you make me feel
so so real