"Honestly I didnt think you'd ever "no more" him.
You gave your all and more, back in the day. From what I've seen in posts, it continued.
You loved the **** out of him, I can only assume that grew ten fold after you had his daughter. If you're still the same as when I knew you, you wore your heart on your sleeve towards him."
Yep I did. I gave him every chance to do what he promised he would, I forgave him more times than he deserved, for things I should never have forgiven. I made excuses for his actions, not only to myself but to everyone around me, because I was embarrassed with the disrespect I had allowed. I took him back every ******* time, knowing it would probably be exactly the same, simply because I loved him so **** much.
I was unable to **** the last bit of me, that held onto the hope that I was wrong, and that he would change. I was in denial for so long, I balled my eyes out for probably weeks after he left. I jumped anytime my phone made a noise, hoping it was him, hoping he had finally realized what he threw away and was going to come back, and be the guy he pretended he was when we first met. I did everything I could for him, even after he dumped me for some ******. I even brought them BOTH food and warm clothes and blankets, daily cuz they were homeless. I held onto his stuff as if I was a storage locker, for YEARS, because he refused to come and get it. I tried everything within my power to both make him happy b4 he left me , and then to try to make him remember that he loved me and come back. I warned him time and time again when I felt myself starting to lose the desire to fix us.
I begged him that if what he kept saying was true, and he did really want us to work, if he loved me, to please put in ANY amount of effort to show me. The ONLY thing I wanted from him was honesty, **** I even offered that guy a ******* open relationship! I just wanted the cheating to stop. Which he declined saying he wanted only me, then continued to cheat on me even while I was in the hospital with our newborn baby.
And it wasn't until I told him I had zero left in me, and I started treating him the way he had always treated me, that he decided to pretend to care. And even then, when I had no more left in me, I still would have taken him back and I told him that, but I said in order to do that I had to see effort, consistently, for a good amount of time. I told him it would take work, lots of time and honesty. And it was all on him from that point forward cuz I was depleted. And you know what that "man" said to me. He said "Why the hell am I going to try and put in all the effort, when you just said you won't put any effort in. How the hell am I going to be the only one trying" that. The fact that he refused to be the "only one trying" but he had been completely fine when it was me doing everything. That was when I think I finally started to see it, why the **** did I want him back? What had I been fighting to win back this whole ******* time? Someone who constantly lied cheated yelled at me called me horrible things daily? I tried very hard for a long time to get him to understand and see what he had been doing, but when it really really mattered, when given the possibility to repair everything, he was not interested. Now he keeps saying he misses me, and he's sorry. I am not sure it's me he misses, more likely it's the help I gave, that he's now finally noticing the lack of. I'm sorry that he is feeling the regret for his actions. But I can't help but wonder if it's caused by the realization of what he did to me, to us, or more likely it's discomfort at the consequences of the choices he made. I really tried to make us work, I did everything I could. And with the number of times he had to change, the countless opportunities he ignored, that he could have made the choice to try, but he didn't. I begged him so many times, but he never cared, at least not till after i told him i had nothing left in me to give. He broke my heart so many times, and every time I gave him another chance, just for him to go and do it again and again. It broke my heart when I finally realized that I was fighting for something that never existed. I doubt he understands how hard it was to accept and come to trems with the fact that the man i loved was never real. Or maybe he was, but he is no longer that guy.. The guy that i loved would have never done half of what he did, he wouldnt have hurt me like that. I warned him when i could feel myself getting closer to the point of no return, but he just saw my pleding for help as a manipulation. He was too focused on thinking i was trying to control him all the time, to see that i was only ever trying to help him be the person i knew he could be. I never wanted to control him, but the thing he never understood was that when someone actually loves you, they won't put up with your ****. Its the people that dont care that dont try to correct ****** behavior, because they can't be bothered to. I cared with every bit of my heart and soul. I did. So i tried to help him, but it was only controlling in his eyes. He saw me as a manipulative control freak by the end and he wanted out. In the end he taught me that it is safer to push love down. He made it dangerous to love him. Loving him was destroying me. Im not sure if he fully realized all the damage that was caused by what he had done. I am not sure I'll ever be the girl I was before him, that's not to say it's a bad thing though. He made me smarter, he showed me that I gave my heart away to fast for so little in return, I was naive. I learned things about life and about myself because of him, and i thank him for that, truly. I will keep the lessons he taught me for the rest of my life. But unfortunately, there isn't anything else I can do at this point. You know, I still remember the day he looked in my eyes and he told me he could never hurt me. My biggest regret to this day is that because I believed him, I gave him the ability to do just that, over and over again. I do care about him still, and I probably always will, but I need to protect my heart, I know that now. And it ***** but he had my heart for years. Even after he left me, he still held it. But in all that time, instead of protecting it and cherishing it, he was the biggest cause of pain to it. So yeah, I care, but he gave me no other choice but to do so from afar. I tried, but when it mattered most, when it could have fixed things, when him caring may have fixed us , he simply didn't want to. And now the point I warned him about for so long is here. I told him that one day he'd wake up and realize what he did, and beg for one last chance. I also told him that it broke my heart, because I knew that by the time that happened, it would already be much much to late. And that days here, and I was right. Because now I finally see it. I am way to good for his selfish behavior. I deserve much better. I'm not perfect, and i know that. But i deserve someone who knows they arent perfect either. Someone who wants to help solve any problems that we run into. Someone who sees our disagreement the same way i do, not them against me, but us together against the problem. When I think about the future now, for the first time in almost 8 years, the image I see doesn't include him. Its bitter sweet, because we did have all these plans of our family and how our life was going to go, and those are now gone. But im also greatful that I finally see, I am so much better off with out him.
