...a demented entity had entered me,
Imposing its will relentlessly,
I was moving nonsensically,
Blocking blessings that were meant for me,
These days I'm indecisive , And my vices are devisive,
My minds a rolling pair of dice and is the opposite of what paradise is..
Never been a better time to better myself.
I guess I had to go through things.
Never been a better time to bet on myself.
I guess its best to grow through things.
I never cared - I was careless ,
I feared being afraid - or maybe I was afraid to be fearless,
Thinking before I speak, I swallow my second guesses,
Sinking beneath my feet, I wallow in expected messes,
I guess I'm paradoxing, cause the problem could be possibly me,
Shadowboxing , dipping, dodging , but this pain I can't see,
Physically I'm fit, never been more mentally unhealthy,
Crazy how this emptiness can feel so heavy..
Still,
Filled to the brim, with testosterone and lighting,
I remember I used to walk like thunder,
these feelings I keep fighting, won't let em take me under,
Cause..
Some days I be feeling cloudy with a chance,
Others like I can build the twin towers with my hands,
Reality is different at first glance,
But this towels in my hands , washed clean ..tryin to save face,
Devoured the food for thought ,
But I forgot to sat my grace,
I can't gain from this wait,
A rare form of bulimia,
But belive me im breathing with the strength of bohemians,
The irony is that things unfolded to this exact moment in time,
I chose to dismantle MY solitude/ hopefully for something sublime,
It's funny how things work/
I guess I missed the punchline,
I'm at the used heart salesman/
standing in this lunch line ,
Missed my train of thought/
Too busy tryin to claim baggage,
Playing the cards I been dealt/
With this full house , im Bob Saget...

My fortitude is formed with the force of Brutus' crooked dagger in my back,
These fictional factualities ferment my mentality and thats a fact,
However I refuse to forfeit,
For I am fighting external forces with this existential forklift,
Uplifting my energy, channeling my inner G ,
When I step I centipede then with this the pen I bleed,
Think it's all a process of auto-biology,
I'm always overthinking- in need of an auto-lobotomy,
I'm the hero and the villian in my autobiography,
So its a automatic mutiny for this auto-autonomy,
It's self righteous how felt this self fight us,
It's shelf life is kelp like but felt like years ,
They say that legends never die,
Oh this lonely hell of mine,
The look of death ever present on my absent mind,
Long-winded, but these spurts of happiness are short-lived,
**** bingeing , cups overflowing with beer,
My thoughts Tinted, heavy drinking till I'm light-headed,
I don't eat or get sleep ,
Steady thinking, "where's my life headed??"
Need to stop running my mouth,
Too busy tryin to exercise these demons,
I keep pushing my luck, and im exhausted from this heaving,
Heavy breathing , and sold separately are these hellish hiccups,
My nightmare begind every mornin when I sit up...

Look...
Its been some long days followed by some short nights,
These days are just some short rounds in a long fight,
There's been mad short comings - come complete with long suffering,
Some **** rips and a spliff got my brain buffering,
I refuse to stand in place - Imma forever have past due posture fees,
I guess all my earnings come at the end - like an apostrophe.
See I'm trying to turn all my "soon"s  into "finally's,
Despite Mfs speaking spitefully privately,
I'm trying to be an icon -
Loved and hated like Guy Fieri,
I'm a Ferrari, but I been gassing me with the wrong oil,
I wanted to blow, but the fire was too loo for my water to boil,
I wanted to grow, but I was kicking it in the wrong soil,
I was too busy confusing movement with motion,
I was stepping out of line, parading feelings as emotions,
I was cashing in, mistaking value with pricing,
I was crapping out, was venting with my vices,
I been salivating for my salvation,
I been gravitating towards gratitude, and delayed gratification,
I been avoiding altercations, and elevating towards elation,

Cause listen..

I been off my mission,
I been consistently inconsistent,
I been reminiscing,
Been making **** the opposite of simplistic,
I been in-opportunistic,
I been devastated and dilapidated,
I been a lil faded and I been feeling ill-fated,
I been a victim of ill-will and I'm feelin irritated,
I been reaching to be featured,
I been over dozing.
I been living for the moment.
Been under pressure and my fears be over-reaching,
**** be unprecedented, I be leaning towards impeachment.
It might not change **** but it sure does help to talk about it,
All them nights I sat up in my bed and thought bout it,
Ring around the Rhonda Rousey to all them bouts i fought bout it,
I'm Jerry Rice but lousy, to all the flack i caught bout it,
Frequent failure miles for all the flack I caught bout it,
They telling me I'm Black then why i feel Golden?
They telling me its cap - is that why i feel goated?
Hardly ever pressed - is that why i never folded?
Wake me from this nap- its time i smelled the Folgers.
I wanna be filled the same way that i be pourin'..
Rich spirit with the survival skills of a poor man,
I been getting grilled and knocked the **** out like George Foreman,
And It gotta be skills the way that i be poor man,
I'm in the business of building,
****** keep ******* up my floor plans,
Can't let **** pass me by or am i destined to be a doorman?
I'm at the right address but its safe to say I'm on the far  side,
I need to see the real , not just mirages and facades..

I hate to admit
That dissociation
Is a friend of mine.

Putting myself on autopilot,
Just so I can survive.

Separating from reality,
Because simply living
Is all I’ve got this time.

I wish you could
See me in the state
That I’m in now

Broken, bruised,
So critical.

It’s absolutely pitiful.

I’m tired of feeling low,
But I keep dragging myself
Down,

Sinking and
Caught in the undertow.

Someone wake
Me from this
Mental charade

Because I’m tired
Of all the games,
And the iron bars that
Keep holding me down.

It’s hard to thrive,
When I can’t figure
Out how to figure
Myself out.

Happy anniversary,
Trauma, guilt and
Doubt.

The past is very
Critical and I
Just want out.

I keep waiting
For an answer, but

I know I’m the only
One who lets myself
Down one more time.

I hate to admit
That dissociation
Is a friend of mine.

And I’m sorry,
If I disconnect
Sometimes.

Please don’t give
Up on me now

I just need someone
To make me feel alive
One last time.

I’ve given myself
A million little reasons
Why  

I don’t deserve
The comfort, but
Not a day goes
By

I wish I was  
In your arms
Again.

I’ve given myself,
A million little reasons

Just to avoid the  
Rising tide

Emotional chemicals,
Mixing, sending my soul  
In overdrive.

Overwhelmed, and  
realized tortured  
Soul,

Hoping my heart
Can learn to love
Amid this lull.  

I’ve given myself,
A million little reasons
Why  

But there’s something
About you that makes
Me want to  

Try.

if you stay in
your own head

the memories,
faded, might

leave you
in dread.

consuming,
just torturing
yourself

simply feeling
hopeless, and
angry instead.

it's not worth
putting yourself
through this

even if life's
a little complicated.

look with your
eyes, not
all hope is lost.

even in the
darkest places,

the light will
shine bright
when you need
it most.

Almost a year later,
I still wish I
hadn't lost my focus.

I let the
Lens focus
on the wrong things,

In the wrong places,
And it’s all just a
mess.

An accidental shutter,
Now the picture's
faded, and

It's hard for me to
discover what life’s
meant to be

When it’s just me

Out in this vast,
dark world,
feeling lonely.

Burning out,
Just like a dying star,

Feeling temporary,
I'm barely
holding on.

Just being alive
doesn’t feel alright.

Feeling out of place
and overexposed,

Just like the
Polaroid on my chest.

Looking at the smiles,
A bittersweet moment,

A moment in which
I hope I don’t regress.

I know it’s hard to progress,

And I know I just need
to convince myself and
trust the process.

I know this won’t
last forever.

Photos capture
moments,
And I must remember

This isn't the end
of my chapter.

The world moves forward,
and moments last forever,
and hurt is only temporary.

I always wanted more for myself,
wanted to be memorable,
but now I barely remember most of my life.
Sometimes, I consider who I am,
study my reflection hard in the mirror
contemplate whether it's really me
and then ask if this is who I want to be.
What a responsibility it is
to carry this human flesh to the end
and to act in favor of this restless, desirous mind
for the entirety of a life.
Most of the time, I hardly register my life and world around me
and thus behave mindlessly,
and now I'm realizing that time is more than a concept
and that age will one day take me by the throat.
I've tried so hard to figure myself out,
but I suppose I should spend less time in my mind
and more time taking up space in this body.

I know we meet
people for a reason
and every time I didn't
think it was the case,
hindsight proved me wrong
ten times out of ten.

But us? I can't seem to accept
you were a stepping stone,
a lesson, a memory etched
in my spirit only meant to
redirect me to another place.

I just don't want what comes next
without you here to share it with me.

Tell me why I can't seem to
come to terms with us being
not only impermanent
but seemingly forgettable.

I cannot bring myself to let go