I know when life abandoned me
When dreams and the future slipped away
When the joy and freedom died

I exactly know the time when fear called
When confusion clouded my eyes
When loath lived in my heart

I know when hope and despair united
When tears fell nightly of shame
When love is just another word

The moment when secrets are revealed
The cure of it is nowhere to be found
When I found out of my chronic illness

I'm an empty room with no paint on the walls
Filled with broken hopes and empty thoughts
The wood is caving in and people come through to see and touch
As soon as they linger too long they realize the empty room upsets them too much
They hear ventriloquists song, the wood carving words as silent nursery rhymes and shallow one verses lullabies
The windows are broken and the wind waltzes in, it towers under the floorboards and swallows the bad parts in
Schizophrenic slumber parties with sandman and death, fascist following of whoever is next
The vines slither in, deceivingly vile, stealing all the smiles and sorrowful trials of the men in their nightgowns and high heels so tall, everything started to grow so small
The table outside the door has a bottle of the last person to exits drug of choice, it makes it worth the while

I found this poem on glass bottles,
sunken like crystalline boats
in the fathoms of my cabinets.

I found this poem at the bottom
of a salt-fringed shot glass.
I have been thirsty ever since

for the words that will raise the dead,
bring back the ones who forgot me,
or drown out memories of my failure.

I can only slur my apologies now.
I can only watch blurry-eyed, raw
in the face, fire burning blistered lips.

I have been drinking saltwater,
dashing my hopes upon the rocks.
My shiny bottles are as empty as I am.

I thought about making a ship-in-a-bottle,
but if I did I’d have to fill all of them
with oars. I would have a fleet.

Instead, I imagine them there. I try
to hide them away from the daylight,
capsize them into the recycling bin.

They haunt me. They float above
the kitchen counters, buoyed trophies
of sadness. I cannot raise their anchors.

Night hands drenched in metal
Rings in the heart of desire
Dragons love more than you
With cold gleaming talons
Burn the coal along my fur
Humble hearts this eve

Singe

Whining sights stared
Claim three fears
Chaos gently cleared the fake
Breaking wrists haunt my strength
Lonely lives tonight

Creak

Hear last howls melt
Longer than my heart falls
Lying skin and deceiving souls
Rake your worst upon my soft side
Nash your steel teeth into my muzzle
Tell me I'm worthless
Pathetic
Useless

Don't you think
I already know what I'm worth?
Pretend that you've written something golden
I have no true value

My skin feels so cold from the lack of touch

You have no idea what this does to me
You say you love affection
Yet
Every time I touch you
You deny me the right
Tell me no
You slap my hand away

Just because someone is watching
Whether it be a hundred
Or one single soul
You won't let it happen if someone is there

Of course I don't understand.
Unlike you,
I'm proud to tell the world
I'm with *you
You are my prize
And I'm sorry if I want to show everyone you're mine
Only mine

I can't even get a hug without you pulling away from me
Just because someone is walking by
Do you know how this makes me feel?
Do you not want people to know you like me?
Are you embarrassed of me?

You prevent every form of affection when someone is watching
And it hurts
It hurts so much.

TRIGGER WARNING


                             cold
                         addictive
                          pleasing

           Streaks of red stain my tears.
         Their words replay in my head

                 slash. slash.*

         More marks of disappointment,
           Another step closer to dying,
   When will I finally be done with this?

               No more long sleeves,
                    No more shame,
  I want people to think of a happy girl
          When they hear my name.

  I'm sick of feeling so sick and strange
   All because of how I deal with pain.
                  If you had my life,
         You'd probably do the same.  
The razor takes all the bad things away

s.c

A year, a lie.
Constant smiles, bad times.
What could have been avoided,
is now ******* with my mind.

Lost in lost emotions,
Brought on previous devotions,
These are the thoughts that haunt my mind,
And linger like his taste in thine.

Sleeping hasn't been easy,
I'm run down and broken.
Lost in these thoughts,
brought on by these envious emotions.

So while you lay to try and sleep,
remember the boy your trying to keep.
The boy who has lost everything,
his trust and respect in thee.

You probably wonder
Why I keep telling you
How bad of a person I am
I'm just waiting for you to finally figure it out
And realize that I am poison
Of the very worst kind
And that not even ipecac can help you
When you try to regurgitate
All memories of me