I'm in a constant world of self hatred and disgust

I pretend I'm made for better things
I've been saying watch me spread my wings
But I will fail and I will fall
You should not have believed in me at all
I like to think I could change the world
But who am I but a frightened girl
Who tries to break from an inner shell
But will probably never escape her hell
So how could I be more than that?
From myself, I want to turn my back;
Give up this attempt of keeping on track
To being successful and never crack,
But I am me and I know me well,
Enough to know I'll never quell
This self-hatred enough to succeed
I don't have the confidence that I need.
What a ridiculous notion I created;
This ludicrous motion of a fight debated!
How could I win the war of life
When all I can focus on is strife?
There's no way I'll become a leader,
I'm born and bred as a bottom-feeder,
I'm not destined for greatness, like I thought,
That was a wishful dream that we all bought.

So paralyzed by my own self hatred
I can't even feel the bugs crawling across my skin
I want them to eat me alive so I become one with the earth,
Because I don't belong here as a person

I heard the train, and I ran.
Desperate to make it to the tracks before it passed.
Is there a way to pass this as an accident?
I'm desperate to die as the positive, loving person people think I am.
And die to make up for the mistakes I've made and people I've hurt.
Here I am, I hear it near.
I'm gripped by fear that someone will figure out it was self inflicted.
It passes and I break.
So ashamed of who I am, with the knowledge that only I can change it.
And I gave up on myself years ago.
Never really gave it 100%
I regret it now, as I carry myself back to the world.
A cloud over my head.
I will smile as people greet me and compliment me.
But I am a tortured devil that one day, won't be scared of being viewed as a coward, and I will run into the train with a heart finally full of happiness.

I FOR ONE CANNOT CONFRONT PEOPLE
BECAUSE I'M SCARED
I CANNOT DEFEND MYSELF
WITHOUT SHAKING TO THE CORE
I CANNOT TELL PEOPLE THAT WHAT THEY DID TO ME IS WRONG
BECAUSE I..AM.. anxious
ANXIETY RUNS THROUGH MY SOUL AND MY VEINS ALL AT ONCE
BUT " YOU AREN'T YOUR DISORDER ".CORRECT?
OH, BUT I AM BECAUSE
I AM ANXIOUS
THEREFORE I AM  ANXIETY

I ALSO CANNOT PROTECT MYSELF BECAUSE " I " MIGHT HURT SOMEONE
AND " I" MIGHT BE AT FAULT
BECAUSE PROTECTING MYSELF WOULD MEAN SOMETHING/SOMEONE IS ATTACKING ME  
AND THAT OF COURSE, IS MY FAULT

THE THING ABOUT ANXIETY IS, WHEN SOMETHING IS ATTACKING YOU, YOU ATTACK YOURSELF
BECAUSE YOU TRY TO FIGHT ANXIETY BUT
ANXIETY IS YOU
                          -a.a.e

I'm sick of this.
The constant numb,
the want to devour every blazing sunrise just to feel.
The need to claw my way from my marrow
and escape this old cage of bones.
The rotting happiness and cracked heartstrings.
I'm sick of myself.

Sleep eludes her.

Her dreams plague her.

Nightmares her only friends.

Herself: her enemy.