Read more.
Words are the map fragments of wisdom you need to navigate your way in a world constantly sending you searching for that which you don’t yet have a name.

Write more.
And don’t keep it to yourself.  Your voice deserves to be heard too so scream in cursive and whisper in all CAPS, bleed through paper and heal through the spines of notebooks
you’re spiraling onto something, breathe in commas and step over periods because you’re not over
you’re the most beautiful run-on sentence

paint more.
You’re an artist whose perspective warrants an audience,
so leave cerulean fingerprint traces in your titanium touches,
mix gesso with mars and be alizarin against charcoal

stand out. And stand up.

Find adventure in the every day.  Skydive through small talk, zip line through steps up stairs without an end,
life is the ellipses in silences your eyes seek to make stories,

explore.
This world. People. This city you’ve landed yourself and take calculated risks.

Tiptoe through moshpits and stomp through meadows.
Cartwheel into concrete conversations headfirst eyes wide open,

be vulnerable, to those who deserve to see the rawest parts of you.
And leave the ones who’d rather exploit them behind

leave others’ opinions behind.  Let them be the ones collecting dust.
You are stronger than you’ll ever know and ten-fold what they’d ever expect.

So let them guess.
Be the question mark in the corner they can’t place.

Your story is complicated.  But that makes you interesting.
What doesn’t challenge you doesn’t change you and you’ve been challenged each and every day

you get out of bed and speak when so easily you could’ve lost your voice the night you lost your body.
It took you some time and a few nameless faces to claim it again and you’re still working out what that means,
you’ve always had your own way
but all the ****** assault pamphlets name this normal.

[For once it’s a label you don’t detest.]

So this year be normal if you so choose, but also be weird.
Be loud, not small, be confident, and not sorry.
Take up space.
You deserve to.

You are Woman and you are Strong.

Push, but don’t ever shove.
Love unapologetically and fiercely.
But don’t force what a boy is not willing to give.

Find someone who will pay your heart the same attention he does your body.
Scratch that,
find yourself.

Read your body’s brail, your chapters of goosebumps, and play chess with checkers across your skin.
Unlearn and relearn and unlearn and learn to remember you are enough and it is your turn.

Look in the mirror and accept the pieces looking back are in progress.

Keep writing.

Watch the moon make way for the sun. Be brighter than both.
Let your irises draw constellations across galaxies unwritten.
Move so far forward, you stop having a reason to look back.

Forgive that which you cannot change.
You’ll make more mistakes, scrape more knees and trip on chainlink chokers, your jewelry limbs you haven’t yet untangled.
But forgive yourself.

Kiss the boy. Kiss the girl. Kiss no one.
Live in the present tense and with future declaratives.
Appreciate the thousands of little moments still looking to be made yours. Make them yours.

You are worth all the struggle.  Don’t forget.

Be kind but don’t rewind.  
Stay authentic even when you don’t make sense and your words aren’t oil enough to separate

paddle through the waves eyes closed if you have to,
the salt may burn your scars and you may lose your bearings, but keep going.
Maybe this is the year you’re going to learn to swim.

make sure when you decide to start threading your eyebrows or wearing lipstick, you're doing it because you think it makes you look pretty, not because you think it makes anyone else think so.

try not to hate him, or anyone. he did a lot of awful things, and the best thing you can do for yourself is be better than what happened.

sometimes, you don't need to reply to that text message. or that person. ever again.

don't be everyone else's rock. find your rock. trust it. let it see you on your hard days instead of pretending not to have any.

ask your parents how they're doing often. help them out and stick around for a little while.

stop making cancer jokes around people who don't know or are comfortable with the fact that you are someone who makes cancer jokes.

drink lots of water.

you're allergic to crab. surprise!

the stuff you accumulate will stop mattering, and you will want to know you are a good person on the inside in order to be happy. surround yourself with the right people, places, and things to ensure that.

don't hug, kiss or sleep with anyone who you don't really want to. no matter what they say or who they are, if you don't feel like it, don't do it.

you'll be fine. you always end up just fine.

i exhale into your shoulder,
my arms trembling as i lift myself up.
you look pleased with yourself,
pleased with me.

nobody tells you how exhausting it is to love someone
when you can't even love yourself.
it takes twice as much effort, and you feel emptier afterwards.
my body felt like it was going to give out.
every day you called me beautiful,
every day i wondered why.
i'm watching your chest rise and fall, unable to fall asleep this time.
i'm just waiting for the alarm to go off at this point,
knowing you'll go to work and fist bump your buddies.
and i'll be wearing a turtleneck so my students don't think i'm a hypocrite.
i decide not call you anymore after that night.

i toss my keys onto the counter a few months later,
heading straight to my bed.
i collapse, sighing into my duvet,
on the side no one has laid since you.

i sit up after a moment, looking over at myself in the mirror.
my bangs are a little messier,
but there's a little more colour to my skin,
glimmer to my tired eyes,
and the hint of a smile.

i turn all the way around, lifting up my shirt.
you cannot see my ribs anymore.
i exhale once more.

my breath,
my hands,
and the world has finally stopped shaking.

i'll never write for you
after this day.
on this day
i dust you from my heart
declutter my rib cage
remove every careless remnant of you
that i kept as sentiment.
after this day
i'll redecorate my brain
with seedlings and lights
and your memory
on my mind's windowsill
will consume me no more.

I loved you so much harder than I did myself
The same way I love everyone
Because when I saw you
The details didn't catch my eye
Your selfishness and your apathy
I saw your soul
And I focused on it until there was nothing else left of you
The same way I always do

At the end of every day
I wash of everyone I have loved
I rinse their souls out of me
And I stand in front of the mirror
Naked
Searching for mine

I have a lot swimming through my mind everyday.
Recovery.
Relapse.
Restricting.
Eating.
Work.
Relationships.
Family.
Friends.
Appointments.
Body image.
Self image.
Future.
Past..
All at once.

But when I'm at a concert, a live performance, whether that be a symphony or a rock concert, I am free. It's when I'm full emersed in music, that when I don't feel like I'm drowning in anxiety. Standing up and dancing and head-banging to my favorite songs, or sitting and watching colors and designs sprout in front of my eyes as bows vibrate strings.

The only thing on my mind in those moments, is the music. Singing and dancing along, not a care in the world about what I look like or sound like. Who thinks I'm going overboard. Because the thing is, when I see other people dancing their hearts out and screaming the lyrics, it fills my own heart with such joy and love for them. They're having the time of their lives,


and I can too.

I drowned a little yesterday,
The big brown eyes invited me to swim.
I caught my breath and dove in,
My knees weakened by the clash of red and black.
Tensed and ready for the onslaught,
I placed all my trust in the youthful face.
Expecting nothing but the world to be put to rights.
A little release, soft yet painful.
Like removing a splinter but leaving the cut.
Will I heal over the cut like always?
Will she dig it out and cut deeper to heal better?
Therapy is not for the weak,
But living is.
;

The thought train has left the tracks,
Derailed by inattention.

Almost was addicted to the numbness.
All thought and no deed makes pharma rich.
Give me a sunset and a laugh over pills any day.
Want to live there? Go right ahead.
I’ll be over here, smiling after climbing out.