Today it is ok to hold
Your body at pause
Suspend your animation temporarily let your bones keep
Their shape in peaceful unity to
Breathe in gentle air
Tomorrow
Tomorrow,
The big wide world will
Still be out there.

When I see the tension creep into your shoulders
As you hunch over your keyboard,
A spring coiling, about to explode -
When I hear the expletives crashing on walls
From outside my door -
When I can no longer breathe
The caustic, charged air -
I have two choices:
(I will not - can not fight)
I can freeze,
Make myself small,
Become the doe
With eyes locked straightforward,
Glassy, removed...
Or
I can grab the headphones,
Change into running shoes,
Caress my lithe curves,
And feed my body to the sky,
As I fly.
When you refuse to take care of yourself -
I must be my own protector,
And this fierce goddess
Is beholden to no one.

i bathe in milk
an alkaline to bleach
the acidic stench of stress
out of my poor pores

i lie in a rose garden
the hummingbird flying over me
to cleanse the noise
of the distant city

sitting pretty
with cucumbers over my eyelids
while a lady caresses my nailbeds
with a file

it seems menial;
that this is supposed to make me
feel better on the outside
when inside i’m in denial

self care is not just
an instagrammable bath bomb
exploding in the consumer’s face
like the feeling exploding in the feeler

it’s realer.
i washed today,
brushed my teeth today
got dressed today

i’m impressed today.
today i am a phenomenal woman.
today i am a higher being;
i am maya

sitting in her mansion
sipping on her sweet tea
smiling sweetly;
reminiscing on her millions.

I feel like I should write
Though I'm not quite sure what to say
It seems like I feel everything so intensely
Until I try to capture it and it's gone

Words don't seem to work well these days
I'm really not even sure how I'm doing
I feel ready to have a successful week
Yet I also feel heavily disconnected from you

Maybe I am finally accepting my feelings for another
Allowing myself to explore the potential new flame
Maybe I felt held back by your distaste towards her
I realize now that it heavily tints my interactions with her

But it's not about her
And It's not about you
It's honestly about me
And the way I've been living

I have been so consumed by
Our love and all of this polyam drama
That I'm forgetting to live as an actual human
Forgetting that I exist without you too

I know it heavily affects you and
Stresses you out far more than I
So maybe this distance is for you too
Then again, you asked me not to pull away

What else can I do though
When you're consumed by another
And I feel empty and alone too often?
These feelings have led my life far too long already

So I'm stepping up my focus
I am working more on myself again
Because if somehow things get rough
I need to have someone to fall back on

For the first time ever
I've found the healthiest opportunity
The most reliable choice I should've made sooner
And it's me

I am my own foundation
My world exists through my own perception
So in the likely event of some sort of chaos
I am finally ready to catch myself

I will be ok regardless of circumstance
And that's extremely liberating

You used to only make $225 in a week
Now you can’t make $225 last a week
What is happening here?
You swore that if you made more you would be responsible and stable
And yet here you are
Barely able to stop reaching for your credit card
Barely able to stop spending your money and your time
Fixated on things you don’t need
You promised that if you made more money you would be responsible and stable
But here you are
Barely able to maintain
And filled with greed...

(Consistent financial irresponsibility is a form of self-harm and addiction)

breath,
    in and out,
    over and over.

2. get up,
    every morning,
    do your best.

3. eat,
    try,
    it’s okay if you can’t.

4. brush your teeth,
    back and forth,
    keep it up.

5. brush your hair,
    daily,
    you can do this.

6. go to school,
    dont shut down,
    interact.

7. come home,
    you’re  close,
    make it through.

8. breath,
    but I can’t.

If you can't think of it one way;
think of another.
You wouldn't let your car run from place to place
consistently for a week
without checking it's oil,
the tyres
or under the bonnet.

Why should we do any different?