Hypocrite,
*******,
*******,
Poor Christian,
***,
Insincere,
Liar,
Narcissist,
Immature,
Weak,
Toxi­c,
These are just a few of the things
You call me when it suits,
From your precious
You-centredness superiority,
And you fail to see that
Self-centredness IS narcissism,
Leave aside that narcissism,
Even if I was,
(SERIOUSLY?! With my degree of empathy?)
Is not a problem,
Toxic narcissism is!
And I am not that either,
But I interrupt my own flow,
These things these words
That you hurl with wild abandon
Do indeed matter,
And they hurt,
They cut deeper than you know,
Have consequences,
And deep inside I am bleeding out,
So soon and very soon
The tense will change,
Words will have mattered,
Because I wont be about
Any more to be harmed,
And you will still blame me,
Because it is never ever your fault,
Not the words you choose,
Not the things you do,
Is it?

I was in my bed, thinking
about what had happened the previous night.
Just him & I,
or was it a dream?
A nightmare so dark,
that it left on me a permanent mark.
 
It was too horrifying to be a reality,
that it robbed me of my sanity.
Why did he do that to me?
Even though I screamed,
even though I begged him to stop,
even though I said no,
I begged him to let me go.
 
But he didn’t.
 
I can still feel his body pressing against mine,
I can still hear him say “shh, quite” from time to time.
He slid his hand under my shirt & up my skirt,
& oh lord he was such a pervert.
He explored my body as if his own,
he went places where I didn’t want him to go.
 
Why did he?
Weren’t my words clear to him?
It was like he couldn’t get enough.
I was a game to him,
which he liked to play rough & tough.
 
He was sadistic & dominant,
he was fiendish & relentless.
The disgust I felt is something I cannot explain,
something I won’t forget.
I need to be set free,
from this agonizing pain.

This incident has consumed me.
Made me lose faith,
made me lose trust,
as I felt severely violated.
My body feels violated.
It doesn’t feel like my own.
 
He left me in the blues,
he left my body bruised,
& my soul wounded,
my mind hurts too.
So I need to ameliorate,
the memory of that day,
that he made me rue.
 
For what has happened has happened,
I've got to move on,
from this tormenting incident,
which most won’t understand.
Which most won’t believe.
& I know I’ll be blamed for it,
even though I am the victim here,
as victim blaming will never disappear.
 
I’ve been left with permanent scars
That cannot heal,
emotionally & physically,
but this is something with what I have to deal.
  
One thing that I’ve learned is that I need to be careful,
& I need to be aware,
to protect myself from all the cruelty out there.
 
As it is my fault not his.
But why am I getting accused?
Of this abuse,
even though I had already refused,
even though I had said no,
yet he never stopped.
& yet I was blamed,
for no mistake of my own.
 
So I guess that there is nothing that I can do,
& nothing that I can say.
But these new descended demons in my head,
need to be tamed.

She is reminded she isn't good enough everyday.
"You can't do by yourself, you need a man," they say.
No one tells her she is beautiful just the way she is.
No one tells her that she belongs to herself, she is not 'his'.
She is taught to hate her body by them.
She is told how unworthy she is by them.
No one tells her about the fierce fire burning in her heart.
That she too could be someone's glowing light in the dark.
No, she is only told how she needs to change.
She is overlooked and underappreciated at every stage.
So she just writes her story down.
As a reminder of who she was before she let her real self drown.

Universally
noticing
shocking
apprehension
from
everyone

I was busy fixing other's life
But who fix me?