the sweet, innocent, happy girl
I used to be, only 5 years ago, is long gone.
Thrown away like a pile of garbage
& replaced by a zombie
Fueled by nothing more than fear, anger, sadness, & anxiety.
Not living; just breathing.
If she knew herself today,
She would be terrified of the monster she'd become
While her dreams were crushed right in front of her
& swept away by suicidal fantasies
And abuse of ecstasy
She saw.
She would probably be wiped away
Because she would have never guessed
She would become suicidally depressed
& at the age of 17, addicted to numbness
That eased her emotional pain.
Cutting, burning, drinking,
Taking so many pills she couldn't even think,
While almost by the minute,
Her anxiety and depression only got worse.
But what would surprise her the most
Was how she could even think of ending her own life,
Because she always knew suicide was never the answer.
But I guess after 2 years of constant anxiety,
Depression, hoplessness, & a life that didn't feel worth living,
It begins to feel like the only option.
Most painful of all,
She would hate to see her own death,
When the tiniest thread
Of the rope that once fully held her life together,
Bringing her hope,
Finally broke.
Crying, dizzy from all the pills she took,
She grabbed her blade and slide it across her throat.
Ending all hope for things to get better.
I'm sorry I'm not you anymore.
It shouldn't have ended this way,
But I couldn't live like that forever.
It had to stop

It seems that our feeling's have hit a wall
a wall of brick thousands tall
I cannot say i love no more but burning out's a painful call
I sensed this break up from the start a cold black dagger to my heart
Trust my words oh love of mine,
I meant not to hurt you all this time,
All i saw was black and white,
Your colours must have shone too bright
My heart wont last a hundred years but I'll always regret leaving you in tears.

Last night a dream of mine I wont forget
A dream of love without regret
A spiral life till now I've  lead
Until my heart thought you were dead
That pretty face forever gone
I know one day I'll die alone
Without your smile
Without your touch
That thought alone just hurts too much.

I use to wonder if there's actually a hell and if there is... what if I'm already there?

I wonder what I did in a past life that got me to be shackled to nothing but pain and misery. What did I do that was so bad that to this day I can't walk across the street without every fiber of my body wanting to get smashed into a million meaty pieces? Maybe I'm just a broken watch that nobody ever bothered to fix and for them, time advanced but for me, I became trapped in purgatory. Except, this purgatory is located in my head. The portal is locked and the key is happiness.

I use to wonder if there's actually a hell and if there is what if I'm already there;
The only difference is that I never had to die to locate it.