It’s not fear I smell, it’s future
Because even from then, I never imagined continuing on since I’ve lost her
Thinking over the moments where laughter coated our eyes
And life was a game, no mask, no fear of smile lines
It’s not fear I smell, it’s hope
There to hold you when time runs out, that’s the only way to cope
Imagining a world where fire doesn’t devour the hands of a hero
And ice taking the heart starting from point zero
A world where ties do not become knotted and tangled to let just one free
Where we hold hands with pain, interlocking with needs
A world where I never lost you
The story just keeps going and I don’t know how to stop the pages from turning
To bring you back to the place, but I know you’d be hurting
My own desires to be silenced shall keep you safe in a place where
I'm not there
Debating on the choice whether to stay or leave here
What would you want if you saw my face in your reflection
What if you saw the world fall before you even when you know there is no commotion
In the water below you, it’s brimming with shadows
That you think are monsters but it’s just an overdose
It’s not fear I smell, it’s the future
But that is the space where I am scared
A world where I could heal and a world where I could nurture
My love is a universe I cannot imagine
It’s not fear I smell, it’s you
Up above where I could hold you once again in my arms
Where I hope it is safe, but I know that my hands are only capable of harm
But still I reach for you

Happiness; it hides away
No light shines on me today

My soul is made of broken bones
My spirit sings its lonely moans

Tomorrow is a brand new day
The hope is that I fade away

The voice has lost it’s faithful ways
The hands no longer feel embrace

Thoughts they breathe of yesterday
My heart, it fleas; a castaway

Eyes of broken window glass
No time for me, he’s come at last

The darkness guides me, with it’s craze
These feelings now, an endless maze

Can I fix this hole i’ve made?
Can I fix this inhumane?

A whisper of the heart unsung
Tears are falling, still I’m numb

Another one has taken my place
A new name, a new face

I’ve taken my sane
It’s me whose to blame

Couldn’t find my soul a home
Grinded down, right to the bone

Another perfect wannabee
I ate the fruit of apple tree

Could I wake another day?
Could I wake a pure saint?

But time my friend reiterates
This could be my early grave

Like children,
we chased each other around this life —
a game of hide and seek.

Catching each other’s glimpses
in corridors and daydreams,
your smile kept me chasing,
and your voice kept me lucid.

You hid, and hid,
so I would seek you out;
and when I unraveled the curtain,
you weren’t there.

The promises we made
now live on as echoes in the dust.
The walls are my witness,
and the bruises are my alibi.

The laugh bubbles up although the bubbles inside of me are full of salt water
Something that I cannot let free so it rubs against the inside of my eyes
It stings
I want to fall, and my knees threaten to collapse
Just like my heart years ago, but that’s just history
So I laugh with my face in my hands, shaking
Quaking
Thoughts run past me in slow motion, but yet the words cannot be read
Their lips become screaming silent sounds that fall like bombs
Holding my hands beside me, but I wish I could hold it to my head
These rolling waves become tall tsunamis but it hits so… soft
It storms, yet the sound that escapes is not a call for help
It becomes a song that is listed as happy on the ever-changing playlist
I wish for them to know but the words just build up and free themselves inside me
Trying, failing to be
What I want to be before death’s deadly kiss

You cry in the corners of the world, because the spotlight will blind your eyes if you were to step out
You cry in the darkness of your mind, because outside you know nothing else but to hold a smile
You cry in front of the lord, because he is the only one you'll let see your pain
What has this world done to you? What have you done to be destroyed?
How can you still be standing by the time the sun sets, by the time of dusk?
You cry among the stars, and you’ll only cry during storms
So then your tears would be hidden among those of the god

Narcissistic Deception
Us against the world, I can't believe I was so naive.
Even when I knew better, you still led me to believe.
While I thought about not having to say goodbye,
You were only thinking about “Me, myself, and I”.
You left me when I needed you most.
You said you loved me in all the pictures you did post.
I thought you would always be there for me.
I’ve always been struggling more than you can see.
Even after everything you did, I love you more than ever.
I could never leave or betray you, no, never.
You thought buying presents for me would make me forgive you?
Being there for me is a better thing you could do.
I rarely even had one real friend,
All I could do was pretend

I feel like i am the worst daughter,
The first time I smiled in years was after my dad went to prison…
I feel terrible, because I didn’t cry for months.
I still remember the look on his face when the police took him from me..
His beard wasn’t short but wasn’t long, and it was red with some gray..
His eyes had this look in them like he was upset I had to see him like that.
They just gave me the silent apology that his voice couldn’t.
His eyebrows were slightly raised like he didn’t know how I would react.
He seemed like he was surprised and hurt.
Surprised I didn’t react or cry,
Hurt I didn’t try to stop them from taking him.
I walked away without even looking back.
What kind of child does that?
Just walks away from the person they loved the most?
The person who was their whole world.
It made me feel so horrible, I stopped eating.
I wouldn’t eat much for months until I met my new parents,
I still felt like a terrible daughter and thought nobody would ever love me again.
All the people I met just kept proving that to me,
Everyone but them

I want to say thank you.
If you didn’t leave me, I wouldn’t be here now.
But I don't know if I can mean it.
Some said you did your best, but did you really?
You could’ve stopped the drugs, gone to rehab
But did you? No you did not.
I try not to be angry with you, but you made it difficult
I know you say you changed, but you’ve said that before.
I can’t help but be angry
You left me and I thought I forgave you, but maybe I truly can't.
I do love you but i dont know if I can call you my father…
Chris has been more of a dad to me in these 4 years than you were for most of my life.
I know, we had good years, but we had more bad.
You were my best friend, but I wasn’t yours.
I know you loved me but you had a horrible way of showing it.
You made me feel undervalued and unappreciated.
Even when you get out, I might have to say bye for a while.
I thought I could see you again, but I’ve worked so hard for myself.
Seeing you will make me go backwards again.
It’ll bring back all the memories
I know the effect it’ll have on me
The effect it will have on those around me.
If I see you again, I’ll start being angry at home.
I can't explain it but I know it’ll happen.
I might get depressed, and I can’t afford to do that again.
Every time you left me, it got easier to say goodbye.
I couldn’t physically cry after a while.
I was left to comfort your ex while she balled her eyes out and used your drugs.
I wish I could forgive you
I wish I could thank you,
But I can’t mean it.

If it weren’t for my new family, I wouldn’t be alive today
When I was young, I thought of the different ways I could end it all,
I thought about slitting my wrists, like I saw someone else try,
I thought about a gun because my grandpa did and my dad threatened to do the same,
I even thought about drugs because my dad had so many around.
I wouldn’t be here because I didn’t think I deserved any better,
And everyone I knew made me feel like that.
I couldn’t trust my own family and if I couldn’t trust them,
Then how could I expect to trust anyone?
I thought of ways to end it before I was even 8.
No child should think like that, but I did.
My mind and family made me feel worthless,
I thought nobody would miss me, to this day, I still feel like that sometimes.
I didn’t want to live because I felt disgusting,
I didn’t speak up when my brother walked into my room every night,
I didn’t speak up when he made me shut up and take my clothes off,
I didn’t speak up for years… I still haven’t.
I didn’t speak up.. But I could have,
Couldn’t I?
I was only 4 the first time I learned how little I could trust people.
I was only a child and a babysitter I trusted would walk into my room at night,
Take me to the living room, and make me touch him when I don't want to.
I didn’t speak up… Why didn’t I ever speak up?
It made me feel so stupid and feel like I let it happen,
I didn’t want any of it but they didn’t let me have a choice..
It was only a couple years later, My oldest brother tried.
This time.. I spoke up!
I showed my dad proof of what he was trying to do to me,
But I felt terrible because my dad basically disowned him…
It made me want to die knowing I hurt them, I didn’t want to hurt either of them.. But i did,
All I do is hurt the people I love the most.
I decided then and there.. My dad won’t find out about my other brother…
But what good did that do? It only hurt me more in the end…
I didn’t think I mattered to anyone,
And they only kept proving it to me by leaving me or hurting me.
My dad chose the drugs and the fix,
My bio mom chose the drugs and my brother over me.
Nobody even noticed if I was home or not
I still tend to wonder how long it would take everyone to notice.
Would anyone cry?
How would my family have reacted if I took my life when I wanted to?
Would they know they were the reason?
Would they just say I was being dramatic?
I couldn’t talk to my dad about it because he had his own ‘problems’…
I didn’t make the cut for his top priorities..
I never thought I would for anyone,
But that was before I met my new family,
They helped me realize that I really do matter.
For a while, I still questioned if they really liked me and why,
But I finally started realizing, after they put up with me for so long.
They saw me at my worst and instead of putting me further down and leaving me,
They helped me get up to my best.
If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be alive.
Ever since I met them, I haven’t ever thought of ways to end it.
They put up with me when everyone else would leave,
I would try to push them away by arguing because i thought they would leave,
I still do that to this day sometimes because I'm scared.
But I have finally started realizing that they are stuck with me
And I am stuck with them, but I am not complaining.
I finally know what it feels like to be a part of a family.
It means staying by each other no matter what and never betraying each other.

Watched you from away for such a long time,
Even when younger, I thought you were divine.
The most handsome angel of all there are,
Now I go back to watching from afar.

Not the one you wanted, not the one you need,
But the one who wanted to love you—yes, indeed.
The one who was always there, the one who stood in the back,
Now I know it’s interest in me that you lack.

From far away, I feel like such a fool,
To fall for love’s restless duel,
Knowing that I am just a girl
Who fell for your beautiful whirl.

I feel as if I’m a dunce,
Want to hide behind a thousand suns,
Bottle my feelings in a jar,
And go back to watching from afar.