Remember how my dad was always up my *** asking where I’d been?
How we’d sneak away and fall in love under the moon like it was just ours?
Remember how I couldn’t even stay the night, not even at a friend’s place?
**** how times have changed.

Now I leave the house whenever I want.
I live wherever I want.
My amazing friends, like family, are back in my life,
some married, some buying homes, some always on a plane somewhere.
Life’s changed so much for them,
and it has for me too.

I’m still growing, still figuring it out.
Not quite where I want to be yet,
but I’m getting there financially and emotionally.
And for once, I’m happy.
I really hope you are too.

There’s this new man in my life.
It’s still fresh,
but it feels like I’ve known him forever.
Remember how I said I might never love anyone like I loved you?
Well, he gives me those giddy feelings just by looking at me,
and honestly, that’s pretty scary.

Two years I chose myself after walking away from a toxic life.
I never thought I’d be alone that long,
but it was the most healing thing I’ve ever done.

I like him. He likes me.
It’s scary, but I’m ready.
Ready to love someone more than I ever did love you.
I meant it when I said I’m over you,
and I’ve made peace with everything we were.

You played a part in who I am today.
So yeah, I’m happy.
And I hope you are too.

You can’t make someone love you,
Just like leaves don’t beg to fall,
Flowers won’t bloom in summer’s heat,
Nor beneath ice and snow,
Love, like seasons, comes and goes
A natural time we cannot own.

I was the moon,
He - just a crescent,
Half there and half away.
I wanted to shine bright together,
He was not sure of the way.

The corners sharp, the colour dull,
Yet the smile was long to fool a fool.
I fell into the trap, believing
To find out nothing was enough
When you are lesser than a half.

He shrinks for me, myopic kindness,
Facing the other side of the sky.
I turned around, in hopes he'd realise
How long I stayed the same and by his side.

The time has passed, still
He refused to grow,
I noticed a part missing.
I don't know why, but it seemed fine to him
That I began to miss some pieces.

He started to count stars around,
Admire fallen ones and touch them.
I was still watching, not afar,
Losing the grip, and back, to madness.

And piece by piece, reflecting in the dark,
I saw my other side, in shadow.
Instead was I who realised,
I was a half as well and shallow.

Maybe it's me who hasn't moved yet,
Half hidden, half inside, inept.
I wanted change but I was, too, instead.
Too much and less. Too less.

Was it as scary, much too hopeful,
Hiding behind his back, a little rogue?
The pieces fell where it was not a problem:
He turned himself, and now I was alone.

The cosmos is too dull to understand
The shining of some stupid stars.
A speck of something real quickly fades
Because it died a half decade past.

My fingers are missing
from the hand I used to hold,
there is no intertwine
as the inconsistency grows
through resentment
and memories
even though my memory
is shot from years of
doing drugs, I still recall
the blankness in her stare
when confronted with
the option of run or love

I thought it would be
a simple answer
after the dedication
of ten years, but it seems
I’m left in a one-sided affair:
no, it’s not fair, but nobody
said life would be that way,
so let the heaviness give way
to singularity and
personal growth
as I learn about my own
consequence,
about what it means to
finally let go

Recently, I've been feeling sad and alone.
I think it's mainly because I'm scared.
I'm scared that my past will come haunting me again.
I feel like I'm exaggerating but.. I'm not.
It felt like emotional abuse, mental abuse coming from someone you thought loved you, or.. At least they'd say they do, and then emotionally block you out, ignore you, blame you, make you feel like you're the problem, like everything is your fault..
And then you feel like you're going crazy.
I was mentally NOT okay..
I needed someone, but felt like I had no one
I have supportive friends, but it was still hard, or eventually, they'll get tired of you, too.
Eight months of feeling drained, tired, burnt out, feeling used, doing badly in school, my hair falling out, sleeping all day, my body constantly being in fight or flight mode, body aching, and going through changes, constant panic attacks.
I felt unheard, not loved. I was silenced, walking on eggshells, crying every day.
I lost myself to someone childish.
And well.. Because I love deeply, because I care and was hopeful. I'd say it's okay, he will change.
But now I'd never be able to get that old lover girl version of me back.
I've changed into someone who feels like they are too much and never enough.
I'm just scared to go back to all of that, to fall into that same emotional/mental state I used to be in. It was awful.
To feel like things I'd ask for was too much, that I was too much But I wasn't..
I was only asking for love, comfort, words of affirmation, to spend quality time together, to talk to one another, to have deep meaningful conversations, to connect on a deeper level of intimacy..But I mostly mean emotional connection to be able to understand each other to KNOW each other, but I guess that was too much right? Did it made you feel uncomfortable?
But you were okay with being intimate right? Touching my body, doing ****** things, even when I felt uncomfortable
But it wasn't okay to talk about our feelings right?, how we felt and the things that made us uncomfortable.
But it's okay, I'm just an idiot.
Sometimes I don't understand why I took you back when it was still hurting.
I still cry at night, I cry to your voice, I cry at the sight of you because it hurts, because I'm scared to be vulnerable with you again, I'm scared of getting used, I'm scared that you'll get drunk again and yell and speak to me harshly the way my drunken dad would to my mom.
It really hurts.
I just wanted to feel safe with someone who isn't scared of my emotions, someone who isn't scared to take care of me. I wanted to feel loved and feel known.
I wanted you to be the only person I needed in my life besides family.
But instead you made me feel so alone
I'm different now, I don't get as attached to you anymore, I don't ask for quality time anymore, I don't care if you'll be able to come see me or not. I don't care if you get mad at something I do.
I don't care if you ignore me, I don't care if you kiss me, hug me , give me flowers, because it's too late.
How do I know your being real? Genuine? honest? I don't..
Not After Everything.