There were times where we felt right.

Most times, we were wrong.

This island was supposed to be a safe space—
Instead we didn’t feel we belonged.

Throughout our time together,

There’s been many sleepless nights.

There’s been many sad mornings,

And what seemed like endless fights.

Throughout our time together,

Sometimes we weren’t very nice.

Sometimes we hurt each other,

Sometimes we were cold as ice.

There are things I’m not proud of.

Things I used you to blame.
I wish you would understand me more—
Sometimes I feel it’s always the same.

Sometimes when I look at old pictures of you

And I stare into your eyes,

I worry you look brighter—

Is your happiness compromised?

Will I see that man again—

The one with eyes so sure?

Or what about the girl in my reflection—

Can we still heal her?

It makes me think about that night—

The one where flames burst.
I wonder, had they not,
Would we have reversed the curse?

I know now things have changed,

And the love between us grows.

But still, I sometimes worry
Deep roots may decompose.

As we continue to grow

Into these new chapters,

I want to show change.

I want us to be better.

I want us to stop the blame.

Can we mend the past

And move forward?

Can we rebuild as a team?

I want you in my life for good—

Not just now,

Not just for a dream.

I read a book about men and anger —
and it clawed into my chest like guilt with teeth.
Not just the loud eruptions,
but the quiet fires I never noticed burning,
the way I smoldered
while pretending I wasn’t heat.

Was I the villain in our ruin?
Is that why I wake up with her face aching behind my eyes?
Why I weeped this morning
from dreaming of her warmth beside me?

Yes, I shouted.
Yes, I shut down.
Yes, I swallowed rage until it poisoned everything we tried to build.
But didn't she light matches too?

She pulled away —
a distance I could feel, even when her skin was close.
Was it all a plan?
was she really “just waiting" to be rid of me?

I wanted forever.
Now all I have is this loop —
the smoking remnants of what was,
what might have been,
what may never come again.

I walk to breathe.
I walk to scream in silence.
I walk to stop myself from picking up the bottle.
From spiraling back into shame’s embrace.

What does it mean when two broken people call each other home?
Was it love? Survival?
Or history?
A scar we made sacred
as she paid the price.

Am I beyond saving?
Is this silence permanent?
Is this pain just penance in disguise?
or is it the weight of change dragging me forward?
The truth is—if I change,
I want it to be for her.
Not for the next empty word called “love.”
I want it to be real this time.
Not performative. Not reactive.

We were passionate, raw,
a force to be reckoned with.

We waged war with hearts still tethered.
Fitted like puzzle pieces carved in chaos—
Two magnets caught in a dance of push and pull.

Still, we were a team. A twin flame.
Bonnie & Clyde.
We loved with force and vibrance.
Peace, and malice.
Wicked and delighted.
We were not the calm,
but the storm that washes away the pain.
So, I pray in the quiet corners of my mind
that she’s somewhere, doing the same—
growing, healing, hurting, hoping.
That this is the cocoon phase.

Before the miracle of us begins again.

Without my sidekick
My partner in crime
the chair without the wheels

Time to nap, I will call
Centipede on the wall
No chicken in our meals

I'll write you a letter
The windowsill, your sweater
10 hours of a gray screen

You lay on my chest
Our music, Say Yes
On Wednesday, our movie routine

To me, you speak
"Oh dear, give me your heart"
"Why should I?"
You look at me softly
A wistful gleam
In the surface
Of your right eye
A smile curving
Up on your lips
Just barely
A traitorous sight indeed
As you slowly say
"Because I gave you mine"

I asked if you recalled
the time in the snow
to mega bed you hauled
your bag and your speedo
Got there, you sprawled
said your back had a blow
Said the mushrooms you did
made your self-worth glow

You claim you're too busy though
can't let me know you care
but something warm fills me whole
not happiness, its unfair
How you once trudged through the snow
just to smell my hair

Come here unannounced
Pizza grease trapped in the seat
Say get in you ******* ***
You know I need to eat

Now In the tub I sit
Tears drip down my cheeks
You said If we ever had a kid
You’d only love it conditionally

Sorrow, hurt,
I'm hopelessly seeking warmth
From you who so distantly
Love

Love?
I reach my hands towards you again
But as my finger nears your surface
They immediately turn ******
And a whiplash of hurt and sorrow encompass me
Almost like I'm experiencing it for the first time again

I lament this relationship
Question my emotional yearning for you
When you so constantly trample on my expectations
I wish things were better
But I am here
I am me
You are you
You are you...

So vengeful I am in my curse on you
You're parents
Their parents and their parents
All of those who taught you such behaviour was sound
For it is I who is left with this dejection
This immense unending sadness
And maybe you felt this sadness too
And yet here you are, physically grown and yet mentally not
Inflicting this all on to me

I lament this relationship
Lament that I so constantly am overwhelmed by these feelings
So I hold it all in
And then burst in my lonesome
For who can hear my sorrows
With an ear of empathy
And a heart of understanding
No one

Silent treatment is said to be wrong
But opening my mouth just exposes me to more pain
So I resort to the numbing effect of silence
Avoiding your gaze
Avoiding your passed rage
Silence all encompassing, relaxing the muscles of my face

And so to shall pass this phase
As I shall be the one to hold my heart to warm it again