The blue spots after the rain,
in-between storms,
a remainder
of our nonchalant spring
before the storms bring
knuckle-biting angst & cries.

i got addicted to the emotional roller coaster

now i can't find my balance on steady ground

high hopes and low blows

love bombed me like the fireworks on your birthday

and you convinced me that wasn't the case

but who talks rings and cradles

when my hands have barely touched your soul?

we were still strangers

i should've known

i showed you the demons from my past

you swore you wouldn't hurt me like that

but you went on and did exactly just that

you left me high and dry

abandoned me without a trace

never any rhyme or reason

i made peace without closure

you tucked your tail between your legs

and ran like a scared little boy at the first sign of danger

then of course

just like clockwork

you came crawling back

begging for forgiveness

begging for my hand again

begging for love

but i've already given it to someone else

and unlike you

i have no regrets

because i would rather sit by a warm log fire on a winter's eve

than to shiver at explosive fireworks in the night sky

on any given day

we spoke, i thought,
in time until;
you love me,
you say it,
we marry,
you’re mine

now only i measure
in time since;
you said it wasn’t right,
you left,
i was not alone,
you were mine.

i measure life in time until i forget you.

Knuffels op de automatische piloot,
Ik-hou-ook-van-jou’s zonder ziel,
Stiltes vol onuitgesproken woorden,
Twee mensen in een huis vol leegte,
Een thuis waar het hart niet meer klopt.

Ooit samen, nu vervreemd,
Twee werelden die elkaar niet raken.
Wanneer hebben we voor het laatst gelachen?
Heb ik je ogen zien stralen als je naar me keek?
Waar zijn die goede jaren gebleven?

Konden we maar terug in de tijd,
Toen liefde nog eenvoudig was,
En ik jou zonder zoeken kon vinden.

Waar ben je gebleven?

Ik zoek,
Maar ik vind je niet.

I tried forgetting what your smile did for years
Reminiscing about a past time has left me stained
More like a stomach ache, rather than tears
When I meet people now I feel emotionally restrained

I reach for something I can’t replace
Locked in a place my heart insists
Still chasing the shape of a vanished face,
I’m in love with someone who no longer exist

I‘m not a person,
I‘m a place.
Splitting paint,
shattered glass,
creeking
with every step you take.

They‘re scared of my past,
afraid of the ghosts I can’t let go.
Barely anyone comes to visit,
and if they do,
it’s only once
before they leave again.

Some people come
just to break me even more.
Another shattered window,
another broken door,
taking things
without asking before.

I‘m a haunted house,
of course no one stays,
no one comes prepared
for the ghosts that haunt me,
and how dark it can be.

Loud as the rumbling thunder
My love roar with pride
Never ashamed of it’s power
I give it to those who needs it

Strong as a tidal wave
My love embraces with care
Healing wounds of the past
Tending to those in pain

Glowing like a lighthouse
Calling those who hunger for love
To safety in my light
Always protecting

he always asked for permission.
not like a formality —
not the way someone asks
after they’ve already decided.
but like he meant it.
like my no
wouldn’t make him flinch.

and every time,
i said yes.
and felt his hands
move like they’d just been
gifted a map —
not to conquer,
but to understand.

even when his fingers slipped
under the hem of my shirt,
found the small of my back —
he paused.
and gave me a chance
to say no. it’s enough.

even when his hand
brushed against my bra strap,
barely there —
he whispered sorry,
as if the air between us
deserved an apology.

i didn’t ask,
if i could touch you
further up.

and that —
that’s what i remember.

not the way he kissed me.
not the taste of that night.
but the way his respect
intoxicated my mind.

looking back,
i think that was the moment
he opened me up,
let my feelings spill,
whilst keeping his own still.
and god.
i loved him for that.

Thinking I've long moved on.
These constant thoughts of her
assumed having long been gone
now they randomly will recur.

Today was such a case.
Going through my tunes
Unexpectedly in their place
A song I'd sing to you in June.

a birthday song I'd rehearse
reminder of one I once knew
and a day I'll forever curse
I'm still haunted by the ghost of you.