i dont like the feelings you give me
like discarded gifts with ripped wrapping paper,
a "sorry" and a promise for more later.
anger builds like a carpenter early in the morning
restructuring and stabilizing walls i put up
for people like you, and i knew but here i am.
always relying on the world outside myself
to lend a hand. and *******, can i breathe please?
suffocating on everything you think i should be
where's the spiritual audit?
where's karma?
where's the righteous accounting for being everything i said i was, for not doing the things you think i did, and for not dying.
no cameras to show how ****** up this all is,
no one to hold my hand tightly as they say what i really needed to hear two years ago:
NOT THIS ONE.

Does my clarinet  
blame herself  
when she  

screeches?  

I asked her —  
careful  
not to press  
the wrong buttons.  

She hummed along,  
nodded  
like a good girl.  

(𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵?)

I’m the one  
who blows  
down her throat,  
pressing keys  
until she forgets  
how to breathe.  

Her voice cracked —  
guilt hung in the air  
like smoke.  

"𝘪 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘰 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘱𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘯,"
she whispered.  
"𝘮𝘺 𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘦."

I strike her notes harder.  
She chokes out bits,  
broken pieces  
that only make me angrier.  

Your wheezing is because  
you’re fragile.  
Cheap.  
Not because of me.  

(...𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵?)

"𝘪 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶,"
she sobbed.  

And I  
almost told her —  
𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗹𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆 𝗱𝗼.

But the truth  
lodged in my throat,  
behind the breath  
that made her scream.

Hey, I don’t even know where to start, because no words feel big enough to describe how much I’ve missed you.

Life without you hasn’t been the same, it hasn’t even felt like life.

I’ve carried you in my thoughts every single day, and no matter how much time has passed, I’ve never stopped loving you.  

I know I hurt you, and for that, I am truly sorry.

I see now, more than ever, the weight of my mistakes, and I don’t want to be the person who caused you pain.

I won’t make excuses for myself, because the truth is, I should have done better, I should have treated you like the treasure you are.  

After we parted ways, life lost its spark.

I got caught up in things that only made it worse, things I thought could numb the ache of losing you.

But nothing, absolutely nothing, could replace the light you brought into my life.

I don’t want to be stuck in that darkness anymore.

I want to change, not just for myself, but because I refuse to live another day knowing I let the best thing in my life slip away.  

I love you beyond words, beyond time, beyond space.

If the universe itself were a container, my love would spill out and keep growing, because you are everything to me.

And if there’s even the slightest chance that you still feel something for me, I’ll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I am ready, to fight for you, to cherish you, to love you the way you deserve.  

I need you back, but more than that, I want to be the person who makes you happy again.

I know I may not deserve another chance, but I’m asking, hoping,that you’ll give me one.

To be touched
I have to
be seen and heard

speak sweet words
with a smile
Ever sweeter words

But you
give me perfume, a fishnet dress
and black-red lingerie

You like to explore
me as new
with pinches and kisses

the hard in the weak
curious about my cuddliness
and the little sounds I will sigh

You have so little patience
and pay me little
attention