The first time I saw you it was in math class.
I didn't notice anything about you at first I just memorized the back of how your head was.
After all, I had an hour to kill.
The second time I saw you were in English class.
You sat next to me but not by choice.
But I was happy about it.
It took me about four to five weeks to talk to you,
and I wasn't even the one to speak first.
You introduced yourself and then we worked together on an assignment.
It's been two weeks and I haven't said another word and I probably won't out of random.
My anxiety swallows me whole and I'm sorry I can't even say hello.
But I have had time to notice you.
And let me just say
I'm in love with your taste in music
I'm in love with the way you hold your book
thinking that if you change the sound of your voice when the diagonal changes
or if you struggle reading words you've never seen before and sat there for a few seconds trying to piece together what they mean.
I love how you can play the mandolin, you should show me sometime.
As I think about these things I also pick up how you would never even think of me.
I mean really,
you probably want some girl that's outgoing and can strum a guitar solo at midnight with you.
You probably want someone with long hair you can intertwine your fingers in
or someone you can spend an afternoon together after church with.
I can't move mountains
and I can't even speak without looking like a fool
but even if nothing will ever happen
It would be just as quite exciting being friends with you.
We could trade books and make each other mixtapes.
It hasn't even been a month yet and I'm already writing mediocre poetry about you.
I'm sorry about that by the way.
I'm not asking for a relationship but a friendship with someone like you would feel just the same.

My love is vast.
My love is strong.
My love is driven by the thought
of you noticing me one day.
Although I am told that some love never blooms
like flowers struggling during the bitter colds.
I have nothing to offer you.
All I have are my bones.
They hold me up
on days I feel like a bird with broken wings,
but I will always love you with the lights on.
I will care for your wounds
until you're able to fly again.
Until you can reach the moon.
So play your guitar
and sing your songs.
I will admire you from afar
as you carry on.
Don't worry about me.
I'm not trying to come off as a creep
but I love your eyes,
and how they look like dark coffee.
I love the way you speak.
Each word a melody.
Every sentence a song.
I'm caught on your hook.
I could listen all day long.
I'm lost in your music
while you're lost in this madness.
So don't worry my dear,
the flowers will someday bloom.
I shall save these words for you.
I'll read them out to you,
but only once during the blue moon.

You're a sweetheart and a really brave bird.
So walk with me to the edge of the earth
and I will share you all my secrets,
and you will share me yours.
We'll tie them both to balloons
and let them go.
Lay with me down on this pearly dew-drop grass.
We'll watch the clouds travel to and fro,
just stay with me in this perfect spot.
You don't have to go.

i still think about your green eyes
and how you made me feel
i still think about all the love
we gave and received from each other
i still think about our bumpy ride
but how it always smoothed out
i still think about the times
that almost ended our story
i remember the time our story ended
i think about the times you couldn’t hold
your anger inside
i remember when i told you to let go  
i still look down and see it  
my arms with your hand print
a outline made of bruising
and eyes full of tears
and my head as you pushed me down
and the cuts from the hits
i’m glad i think about the bad things too

It has been a while since I've written poetry here
and thats because I loved a boy
Who didn't love me

He was selfish
but I was selfless in loving him
and he took advantage of that
even if he wasn't really trying to

He made me a playlist of songs
romantic connotations and all
to speak his mind from what he's scared to say
But he didn't actually say the words
so I couldn't claim he had

Sometimes I wonder if it was all in my mind
or in my heart
was it even real for him at all?
I told him I didn't want to be a second choice
He said I wasn't
But then why are you still wanted the other girl that dumped you 6 months ago when you've been seeing me for 5?

Even now I am still writing poetry about him
and I don't know if he even thinks about me now
It has been 12 weeks since we've talked
But I've seen him in my dreams
I wish they were real
and my heartbreak was not

I always have high expectations for summer
Not sure why I allow myself to do this every year
Maybe it’s because I’m trying to leave the school year on campus
And escape the people who make me unhappy
But then I’m let down each summer by the people who are supposed to make me happy

This summer it was a boy who told me I wasn’t a second choice but then still wanted someone else
Last summer it was the high school friends who told me it would be forever but then still had a list of complains on me

My birthday comes around in July and I’m reminded of when I was suicidal at 14
Because everyone forgot my birthday so clearly I shouldn’t have been born.
I wanted to quietly step off a pier and die on the rocks but my brother sitting beside me kept me grounded

The summer is coming to an end now and I’m terrified for school
I don’t want any high expectations and be let down
A perpetual cycle of being excited and let down over and over
And when I see the girls who pushed me to the side I hope that do not cower in fear
A new school year is dawning and the unknown is in front of me

The only time i feel safe is when i am by my mom
the only time I  feel sane is during a car ride with her when we talk
she is my rock
i adore everything about her
she is who i want to be
She makes me want to be stable, she makes me want to be sober
because i hate hurting her
she deserves so much more than me

I want to kill you.
like actually murder you
you gave me a illness that will never heal
my skin boils and bleeds and no medication will ever heal
no band-aid will ever cover the scars
And the worst part is you will never feel sorry
because you live with this too
but you willingly passed it to me
like a gift to a innocent child on Christmas
and as i opened it with my eyes closed i realized it was an infectious disgusting gift that i can never return
you make me want to kill you
actual murder

he hugged me for the first time in a year
he held me close
i wanted to kiss his neck out of habit
but i remained distant emotionally and physically
all i want to do is be held by him again
and for a second i was close
he held me like we were one again
i could hear the heart that used to beat for me
i could feel the same skin i used to touch with lust
i could hear the weight of the world pressed against me taking my overwhelming emotions away from me

pain killers
take my pain away
make my bad days go away
make this emptiness disappear
fill this void deep inside
make this feeling of hatred subside
because nothing is working today
no coping skills help me like you do

5.7 million people are like me
they have highs and lows
they are just like me
this is a comforting thought
i am not the only person suffering from this illness