I loved you
and
I still do

no thats not me.
i like to drink.
i like to club.
i like to have fun.
it was me?
i sneer at those who do, influenced by the one that doesn't.
do you like me now? now that that's not me?

I'm drinking the tea that we used to drink
The tea that I'm now drinking with an other
The tea that we used to spill close to the sink
Every time I'll try to test the tea with someone else
But they hate it or acting weridly

I thought I could never take the tea without Him
I've wait so long, my tea was completely cold

Easily the Eight tried it, then adore it
Now we've drinking and talking about this tea
When the water is hot enough
I just put the infusion, blood starts to invade the cup
Thsi invasion starts in my heart too

Except, the taste isn't the same anymore
Now Red is everywhere
Nothing tastes like the beginning
Even my eyes start to close on Eight's Red flags

This acidic taste start to **** me off
I added sugar, more energy
But wait...
I'm blind, it doesn't taste like tea anymore

The flavours of my first tea with Eight start to reappear
The taste of his tongue too
The heath of his hands which travel my body

Our bed was colder than before,
Our window was open but
We locked the door.
We are locked together
Shut
The whether
Or not we stay inside,
You and me
I guess we’ll see.
Maybe if we tried
To go
And close our ******* window

He got a new computer on August 18, 2023,
In the blue light, in his room, the first thing he did
He messaged a boy, said he wanted to see him,
He loved a boy, and he wanted to see him.

The word hate appeared
197 times in their messages since
Aug 18, 2023 at 5:18 AM
125 of those were the word “whatever”

“i’m down for whatevs i jus wanna see uouuu”,
“ I will Fr see you tomorrow by whatever means necessary”,
“Whatever you’re comfortable with tho Fr”,
“They can think whatever they want I love you”,

“Whatever your heart desires Fr, this is your last semester of
highschool ever so you really just want to be happy with it”,
“I will do whatever I can to support you”,
“whatever works for you my love”,

Hates, hate, and hated: 66 results
I hate you: 0 results
I thought it beautiful, that when searching for
Hate, so much love was found instead.

Of the 465 days from when he bought his
Computer, we only get to peer, at one facet
Of their lives, one snippet of time.  A historians tragedy
To have something like this, and know it

Shows so much, but not enough. Of the 465 days
These boys sent 412 Goodnight messages,
and 290 good morning ones. Two people in love
Think about each other all the time, but few

Take the time to say it-
Thinking about you: 207 results
I miss you: 335 Results
Why is love often felt strongest in absence,

Why are words always longer in the past tense?
Out of 465 days, on one form of communication
Results for “I love you” were well over 1000.
Searching for “love” made the computer he bought crash.

How does love speak?
Is it the same for you and me?
Does it shout and whisper
cry and scream
Lost and found
Soft and deep
Does it pray for us while we sleep
How does love speak?

Does it feel like you?
Sigh and groan
Gasp and moan
Soft skin
Sharp teeth
Wet and hot
Hard and strong
So so deep
Skin on skin
Slick with sweat
Below above
Beside within
But theres more
Hold my hands while we walk through the door
Hair soft as silk under my palm
A sweet kiss before we leave
One, two, three
Wrap me in a comforting embrace
Sit side by side
Our legs slightly touch
Grab my hand so I don't get lost
Rest my head on your shoulder
Tells you I'm here
You can be calm
Rest your head on my chest
Hear my heart beat
So easy to feel love this way
Touch

Does it spend more than money?
Watch a movie
Play some cards
Scroll through memes
The sound of your laugh
Walk through the isles
Touch all the things
Walk by the water
Feel the soft spray
Just sit in the car
We don't have to speak
Watch me take it in
Watch you relax
Lay next to me
In our silk sheets
Talk about nothing
Say everything
Feel it all together
Ignore the important
Walk in the yard
Too long grass crunching under our feet
Dream of the future
What will go where
Relive the past
Almost too much to share
It doesn't matter how we spend it
Time

Does it see what I need?
Do the laundry on a Sunday
Cook the meals
Preheat the oven
Calm the child
Take her with you
Hold the baby
Give me time
For a shower
For a snack
Sacrifice your wants
Because of our needs
I'll keep the house
Grow the babies
I'm loved because you do know  
Service

Does it give like you do?
A fuzzy brown teddy bear
That's what I call you
A heart necklace
Saying how you feel
Clothes for my body
Shoes for my feet
A golden egg
Capturing a promise
The forever question
A silver band
When I said I do
Give me all my life with you
Things don't matter just reasons
Gifts


Is it as considerate as you?
Its so much more than things you say
It's about what you mean  
"Drive safe"
I need to see you again
"See you soon"
I'm glad you're coming home
"Have a good day"
I care about your happiness
"Try to get some sleep"
I care about your comfort
"Yes it's cold"
I know you'll need a jacket
"It's okay"
The way you feel matters
"****"
"Amazing"
"Wonderful"
I'm trying to erase your insecurities
Says more than just "I love you"
Affirmation

So how does love speak?
It's not always the same for you and me
It whispers and holds
Laughs and breathes
Lost and found
Soft and deep
It stays with us even when we sleep
That's how our love speaks

To live is to suffer.
To love is to suffer.
To create is to suffer.

Existence itself is stitched with sorrow,
but in its aching seams,
blooms something beautiful.

So we must choose —
choose carefully
who, or what, we are willing to suffer for.

And I chose you.

I chose to cradle the weight of your name
in the hollow of my chest,
to love you through the good, the bad,
the moments that left us broken and bleeding,
the silences heavy as tombstones.

I sit now, in the wreckage of what was,
thinking of forever —
the whole nine yards,
a life I painted in the colors of you.

But you're not here anymore.
You exist only in fleeting fragments,
ghost-thoughts
of laughter in a room now silent,
of touches I’ll never feel again.

And I am the reason.
I carry that like a stone in my gut,
a burden I won't set down.

Yet, I choose to be better,
to climb out of myself,
to carve light from the grief.

Because as long as my lungs rise and fall,
as long as my heart dares to beat,
I’ll remember —
your arms were the only home
I ever truly knew.

And maybe one day,
this suffering will shape me
into someone worthy
of loving like that again.

I don't want this to be
Like a movie I'd see
I want the good, the bad
And all the boring in between.