i lay in bed
lost in the maze of my head.
right and left
too many options to choose.
so i close my eyes,
let my heart lead my mind.

I end up in the sea of bereft.
lost among the waves of bruises
on my heart.
I’ve been knocked down so many times
and it is causing me to lose my mind.

screaming and crying,
I fall from my bed.
I love him with all my heart,
but he made us part.

so now I am alone,
and I can’t pick up the phone.
Because nothing matters much anymore,
so I think I might shut the door
of my heart.
I lay in bed,
lost in the maze of my head.
everyone leaves,
so maybe I should be dead.

You know that you shouldn't
Give them a piece of you.
You know that nothing but
Pain will come from it.

But you let yourself hope
That this time it will be
Different.
You convince yourself
That they will cherish that
Piece of your heart forever
And that one day, you can
Give yourself to them entirely.

Soon you realize that you
Were wrong for thinking that
They would love you and that
Your heart meant something.

The rejection stings and you
Place your heart back in it’s
Sealed box and tell yourself
That you won't open it for anyone.

But the hope blooms over and
Over again and each time
You open the box and take
A small piece of your heart
Out, only to have it rejected.

Then someone gives you
A piece of their heart and
You treat it the way you
Always wished yours would
Have been.

You decide that you
Can trust them with everything
You are and open that box
Once more.
But you find it empty and covered
In dust.

My need to belong
To finally trust
With my dark secrets
I'm Assured

My armor starts peeling
Layer by layer
Thick armored skin
Weeks into months
Time passes by
She cradles my soul
Metal ashes fall
Still protection remains
To her dissatisfaction
She carefully skins
My final coat
Reluctantly
I concede to her
A first in my lifetime

My naive vulnerability
Fully EXPOSED
I finally silence
My overwhelming past
She can't see me purely
Simply glimpses
Of my essence
TOXIC I am not
She must be delirious

Appearing to wrap
Her loving arms around
With her hollowed pillows
And paper blankets
Blind-folded as I allow her in
Not seeing her game
She covers me up
In a plastic bag
I open my eyes
Little too late

She confiscates my armour
Keeps it for herself
She squeezes and suffocates
Leaving me in
REJECTION

Out by the street
Stuck inside this sack
Months go by,
Isolated and CONFUSED

Until I smell her approach
She opens the bag
With pensive eyes
She puts her hand out
I reach up
Immediately freezes
In a blank stare
Her hand lets go

In crushing shame
Seals me up
Using CRAZY glue
I can't escape
LEAVING ME
On the side of the curb
Wondering what I did wrong

I can't help but notice
Down this street
I'm not the only debris
She threw away
Useless NONEXSISTENT
To her we still remain

© Jl 2015

Does it matter?
If I stay or go..
Is my presence even noticed?
Does it make a difference
if I'm here or gone
Will you cry
if I'm lost?
Or will I slip away unnoticed
Like I always am
When I'm around you...

I am a painting protected
By a sturdy frame
I am a delicate piece
Look closer please

My soul lies hidden
It's there, I promise
With halcyon skies
Flickering daylight eyes
The abandoned house
Where my heart resides
Cracked and glued back
Pleasant colors painted over
Great friends kept outside
See sadness forming, pieces falling
They vacate, never looking back
Scorned house still standing
Alone and stunned

I am a painting coated
By a crippled frame
I have been smudged
Once again.

© Jl 2016

rejection is hard
but rejection by reject
gone to new level

I can hear her knocking
at the door of regret.
Knocking at the door.
Knocking at the door.

Each sound wave
breaks through my cell membranes
making me reflect on the days
I use to be depressed.
I can replay every moment like a videocassette.  
Rewinding to the beginning,
playing from start,
I can see how you took my love,
and ripped my heart apart.

From the mountains to the trees
from the trees to the leaves.
From the leaves to the dirt.
My tears filled up rivers
as your conscious ways left me hurt .
Oh how gay it sounds
but it's oh so true.
Have you ever had somebody
you love so much
and they end up hurting you?
Well I have and I have broken hearts too.
I even think its more than a few.
Only because of how much I missed the essence
of being there right next to you.

I can hear her banging
on the door of regret.
Banging on the door.
Bashing on the door.
Banging on the door of regret.

Deep clouds of smoke fill my every corner.
Drowning out every thud  
like I am underwater.
Taking away all the pain you caused
through the vents
like water down the sewer.
I've washed myself clean for once.
So now when my story is told
I won't look like your little dunce
left in the corner.

From the couch to the floor.
From the floor to door.
I make my way to where
you could possibly enter
and I've seen this all before.
I can not let you enter.
My entire struggle
would have been in vein.
Only to open up to you once again.

I can see you knocking
at the door of regret.
Knockin at the door.
Knockin at the door...

Don't waste your time.
Please?!
You know you can't get her, right?
She sees right through you,
like you aren't even there.
She is the all knowing goddess
and you are her fool.
First impressions are wasted on her,
for your first impression will also be your last.
Don't approach her! For her sake
and yours lest your heart pleads to ache.
But no! There you go striding to your finish line.
Chest out and arms moving.
You are on a suicide mission!
And look! She turns away!
What did I say to you?
My warning hit deaf ears. And off she goes.
Off she goes into the blue.
How foolish is your heart that you acted against reason?
How disabled is a man blinded by beauty?
Severely.
Now your head is down.
It's a long cold walk back to being lonely.