As I wrap my son in pride
--you wallow in your own.
As I plan the future you spend the same amount of time in the past.
My failure to become the child you want
has prevented you from loving the grandchild I've given.
So I will hide my triumphant blessing
and keep him from the judgement I faced.
And since I am such a horrible letdown
--you have four other children to be "good enough" for you.
And I would wish you greater pride in them but you already have enough in yourself.
There has been much growth in myself like the grass in the spring and with that growth I see life and decay
For I am learning to be good enough for my baby and not perfect for you.

I'd tell you to go to hell but you've created it like a fire within me.

You cant hate me for things you've done before
you cant slam an already closed door

For I have locked you out
and the key is in cement

You cant own what was never yours
you cant borrow what you had already stole

For I have locked you in a jail
and mangled it shut

and I cant be yelled at anymore
and I cant be the one to scream for help at that your cold shoulder.

Sands and seashells as white as moonlit night
And water tugging slightly at the small boats
Trembling in the wake

“Far across the silvery sea”
Those little waves whisper to me
“From ocean dark and brooding blue, cross horizons bleeding red
is a land where the mists travel languidly through
and dangerous things betwixt the paths you tread.”

“There is a city that some say glows in the night
Whose towers ***** to glorious height
Domes and great structures stand below
Upon white stones, blue moonlight does glow.”

“If you swim out during the brooding storm
And torrential city make, with towers of black swirling wake
The sea will take and change your form
You will enter the depth and the depth will enter you
And sea imbued, you emerge anew.”

“On the second day, and the crest of red rising light
When Phoenix fly against the night
You will be ****** from water by the fiery wing
And to a new land take you as Phoenix songs it softly sings.”

“There you will encounter the dangers and things of strange delight
And the white walls of Elyse, whose light is cast upon the height.”

Women crave for a rebirth
and I am no exception.
I crave to hear a choir and feel the water rush over me,
leaving me with a sense of purpose and a new perspective.
I want to forget my name.
I want to see my life in a new light.
I feel it's time for me to leave my body and leave my past.
It's time for me to find my mind
because I know that it must get better than this.

So let me grow,
I believe that it does get better than this.
I have seen many women learn how to scream their own name,
over and over and over and over again.
Howling into the clouds and radiate like the sun,
and I start to wonder when my time will come.
However, I know I must learn to grow steady like the harvest
because I know rebirth is not a path that we can rush down

A silver moon engulfs a thousand suns
and sheds blue silky light across the land.
The wind plays its howling symphony,
with trees and mountains as instruments.

A cold body awakens from rigid sleep
putting tendons and muscles into motion.
Slowly, but ever faster it moves along
until spirit and body merge – creating life.

Consuming all its resources around
the goal has become a distant dream.
Then a jolt runs through the martyred figure
and it searches in vain for a familiar point.

From the deepest black it is driven,
without its doing and stiff resistance.
It must leave this beloved place
in exchange for coldness and piercing light.

However, all he sees is a giant devouring his body
to the sounds of his first screams.

But instead of terrible pain,
he now looks at the infinite cosmos.
Not with the spirit of an ape,
but that of a god, who experienced his birth, death and re-birth.

You praised my heart and helping hand
And for the longest time I could not understand
How any of that could make me special
Until you used those words to describe her
And how perfect she is.

And that is the paragraph on how you broke my heart for the first time ever.

But even in my darkest hour, my darkest day
Your doings could not take my humor away.
I am more than what you did to me,
I am more than what you made me feel.

Even when you broke my heart
I could not be mean enough to try and tear you apart.
I cried so many tears,
But for the next few years
I wished you only the best.

Even after you left that gaping hole
Right there in the very centre of my soul,
I could not hate you, never hate you
Because I loved you, always loved you
Beyond your kind heart and helping hands
Your everlasting patience and my high demands
You understood me like no one else had ever done
You listened to me when I was undone
You cared for me when I broke down
And then you took my heart, my very crown.

You broke my heart, my spirit, my pride
But the one thing you could never take from me is my reflex to fight
I'll fight your impact, your demeanour, what you made me feel
I'll reclaim what you took me from me and reveal
Once and for all what I know to be my greatest strength
My love for myself. And that can really
For real
Unlike you
And what I once allowed myself to feel for you
Last the entire length.