I don’t want to die, but I’m indifferent to live.

I don’t want to join this cult.

But, I don’t want to leave.

They say we need purpose

But what if I was chosen not to have one?

What if my purpose is to make others feel better for having one?

At least they’re not me.

I don’t want to die, but living is not fun

It’s just navigating through things without a map, with no solid truth

And every decision affects you, except you don’t know how

And every decision is haunted with a “what if”?

And every decision is plagued with a “I should have…”

The gods won’t save you.

Psychics don’t know.

And the wise haven’t traversed your waters.

None the wiser.

It’s hard for me to grasp that I live in a world that is indifferent to my existence and there is no absolute truth.

It’s hard to navigate it.

There are things that I simply cannot control and every decision I make is plagued with uncertainty; there is no right answer, just consequences.

Sometimes, the consequences are clear. Other times, they’re not, and manifest much later.

You think you want something, but you don’t. And the only way to find out, is to do it.

You do it. You decide to give it a proper chance.

It’s not going as you hope.

But, you invested so much time and energy into it, it might not be worth throwing it all away.

But then again, maybe it might.

And by the time you do, you’re thinking you should’ve done it months ago.

So much time wasted.

Now, it’s time to try something new. But what?

You don’t trust yourself very much, because what you thought you liked, you didn’t actually end up liking. Or finishing, even.

You wasted too much time and you’re not getting it back.

If you’re going to invest time and energy into something, shouldn’t you know if it’ll be worth it?

But you don’t know.

So then, you don’t try it.

But then you realize, you should have.

And you wasted all this time doing nothing.

Back to square one.

You can’t have reward without risk.

But how do you know which risk to take?

I guess that’s why it’s called a risk, right?

But, not every risk yields a reward.

Sometimes, your best isn’t enough, right?

I mean, not everyone can be rewarded, right?

Some people are rewarded with wisdom.

But wisdom doesn’t get you very far in this world.

Sometimes, knowing too much does more harm than good.

Some people were ****** from the beginning.

You may not have been ****** from the beginning. But you haven’t left your comfort bubble.

Because you don’t trust your decisions.

Your battle is metnal.

You never feel ready.

You never feel good enough.

But you know you have to do something.

But you don’t know what.

So, you prepare yourself for something you think you might want.

But you prepare too much, to where you don’t end up doing it.

But if you under prepare, you’ll kick yourself for not preparing enough.

You should’ve waited a little longer.

Why didn’t you wait one more month?

You should’ve read that book.

Back to square one.

You’re not really religious, but you pray.

You know no one has the answers, but you ask other people that have been in your shoes.

You visit psychics.

None the wiser.

You have the answer.

But you’re festering in your own confusion.

Back to square one.

You can't imagine
How glad I am
For every single meter
Walked with you

And

You won't be able to imagine
How I feel sorry
That
Early or late
Our
Paths
Will be divided...

Not one person in this lonely world
Walks on some singular path alone
But every once in a horrible while
There are those that come up and push you along

Here is a toast
To those that boast
And say they wish you well
When all along
They sing some song
And march you straight to hell

May they rot and grow crazed
In their shallow graves
For what they did in life
And know that sin
Is what fills the graves in
Even if they don’t remember it right

That I may understand every good path
That wisdom may reside in my heart
That knowledge and discretion may be my guard
This is my prayer to you, my guide and my God

I’ve always felt like I was looking for something impossible to find.
Searching for something or someone to fill this imaginary void, this emptiness left behind by fleeting lovers in the night.

So many times I’d thought I’d found it;
In a strangers touch , or a temporary moment of passion between bedsheets, naked bodies intertwined warm and present.
But that was never it, it could never be that simple.

It wasn’t a void that could just be filled by a attractive stranger
No matter how sweet his words or gentle his touch.
All that meant nothing.
I know that now.

I know that because I know that it’s you.
It’s always been you, of course it has.
Everyone else was just...just a pause button on us, a momentary plot twist, a what if moment.

Like one of those beautiful picture pages in a storybook,
Pleasing to the eye but all I wanted was to get to the next chapter, the next part of our story.

It was right there in front of me ,
black and white on the page but still I couldn’t see it.
But as I lay here listening to the whispers of the stars in the darkness, nothing could be more clear.

Every path I took, every turn in every road
Every current in the ocean lead me back to you.

i am the moon
you are the sun
crossing paths
but always fading away