And just like that…

I summoned the courage
To Burn the page
I once folded with trembling care,

It now curls in flame,
a silent flare
of who i was…

Is no longer here.

Lost
not in this world,
but from it.
I walk,
one foot after the other,
toward a place
I cannot name
or maybe
there is no place
at all.

Alone,
with echoes of memories
that feel like wind
soft,
and then gone.

They call to me
the good old days
but when I turn
to look,
I see only
shadows
curling in a vacuum,
and a silence
too thick to breathe.

The past is hollow.
The future,
faceless.
And the present
just a corridor
with locked doors
and no windows.

My heart still beats,
perhaps,
but it no longer sings.
It whispers
in tired thumps,
like a bird
that forgot
why it ever flew.

I am here
yet fading,
like light
dissolving
in the arms
of night
that never comes.

When it’s pouring outside,
rain disturbing windows–

When afar,
my mind is restless;
sleepless and insane.

I proceed to scream your name
like a sinner prayer.
Sunrise comes–
and still,
you are not near.

I remember our time,
vivid picture on my mind;
In one man bed,
we lay squished together.

Young and naked, naked souls,
we enjoy
our time together.
Oh I wish we had forever…

Your gentle touch all over me,
your eyes as well,
as we become together.

You roughly fill me with your love,
not worrying about the sleeping neighbours.

You brush my golden hair,
slowly after,
before we head back to the bed.

I fall asleep,
mind blank,
because I’m by
your side,
and nothing else compares.

I'm high in the sky,
looking down on the past,
remembering all the pain.
Seeing how it changed me.

Then, I look all around me,
and see all of us together,
a flock of friends.
We all look at peace.

I look down again,
but this time I see their pain,
not mine.

I fly down,
giving them,
the love they always needed.
When I finally see them smile,
or even just relieved of it all,
I fly away.

When I look down for the last time,
I see them all happy and free,
me along with them,
as we all fly along.

As I watch the sunset,
I remember the past.
We were all together,
in the circle of best friends
laughing about all the funny moments,
even the not so funny ones.
Everything feels perfect,
cause' I know you guys will forever be by my side,
forever be my friends.
Because of you guys,
I'll forever have a smile on my face.

My curled-up dreams,
hidden behind shadows of your touch.
You don't have any clue,
about the nights we gave birth to the sun.
Even though we just met,
I'm sure, in a past life,
our voices tangled
beneath the same sky.

Last intensive, last counselling lecture, last semester, last chaplaincy subject…
Last—
This won’t last, soon it will be in the past, right now I can’t wait for it to fly fast,
But I’m sure, sometime, in the not to near future,
I will look back with forlorn, how could it go so fast?
The future looms,
I need to zoom out, hold the prospects lightly, noticing how they feel…
I feel!
Exciting, overwhelming, the usual anxiety-producing sensations.
Could there be another way to feel about the future?
Could there be faith in the unfathomable, not too distant future?
Could the unknown become my friend, inviting me to see new possibilities?
Welcoming risks for pure bliss?
From this vantage point, it has flown,
But I know there have been times when it just felt slow, and my spirit groaned.
So, can I sit here, in the now, embrace the future full of confidence?
I am here now!
Four years ago the challenge loomed,
Felt like carrying bricks up Mount Everest: impossible.
But here I am. I am here.
Celebrate, clap and cheer
the impossibility is thus so near.
It whispers: come closer, lean in, don’t be afraid, peer…