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Brent Kincaid Dec 2015
Over the river
And through Grant Woods
Through Hallmark scenes we go.
Through colors of white
That are not quite right
Not even for ******-on snow.

If Currier and Ives
Tends to give you the hives
You really might not want to go.
By now we have cars
And thank your stars
No shoes for the horse to throw.

Old men in jeans
In bucolic scenes
From a hundred years ago.
Don’t be in a rush
As driving through slush
Can cause accidents, you know.

Turkey and dressing
And Parker rolls
May suit the day just fine,
But a warning here
I’ll make it clear
You might not like mulled wine.

When you have eaten
While women work
The men can go off and drink.
The men getting *******
A seasonal disgrace,
The gals keep their minds on the sink.

Later while driving back ,
The men passed out,
The women behind the wheel.
They women all try
To figure out why
They go through this yearly ordeal.
(Yes, folks. This is yet another one of my infamous Iconoclastic Christmas Carols.)
Brent Kincaid Dec 2015
I recorded this years ago, but it's still funny today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMpjsFkALLM
Bo Burnham Dec 2015
The Squares lived happily,
in their square houses,
in their square yards,
in their square town.

One day, a family of Circles
moved in from the west.

"Get out of here, roundies!" shouted one of the Squares.
"Why?" asked one of the Circles.
"Because this is a metaphor for racism!"
Brent Kincaid Dec 2015
Little Miss Muffet
Got ******* on her tuffet
‘Cause she don’t know what curds weigh.
A scholarly spider
Sat down beside her
Said, “Tuffet baby, it ain’t spelled that way.”

But, confused, he asked
“How did it come to pass
That you got laid and I have not done yet?
With eight legs to grab
I should be able to nab
Likely many more than than you can get.”

Muffet said, with a shrug
“You pitiful old bug,
Your brain must be little more than silage.
For everyone knows
How the old saying goes
It’s not the age of the tire but the mileage.”

The spider understood
What anyone would
That Miss Muffet knew what she was doing.
He went on his way
With no more to say,
And Muffet went right back to her *******.
CautiousRain Nov 2015
'Twas Saturday, and the clothes abound,
were cruffled and lay in shabby state,
pants and shirts, to feet were wound,
   or carrumped in arms, a heavy weight.

“Beware the laundry, my dear child,
The smelly socks, the ***** sheets,
Beware the washer, with its center wild,
and shun the powdered soap, its scent deceits!”

She took the pile, and flung from hands,
the soap and smell she still dread,
so fast was she, with soapy brands,
and sprinkled it, through air it fled.

And, as in a relieved thought she stood,
The laundry soaked in waters warm,
in gurbling stream, as water should,
And sunk beneath the bubbly storm.

Swish, swash, swish swash! It clanged and bashed,
the cloth slwooshed back and forth,
the lid meeting its close was mashed,
She frolumped joyfully back in form.

“And have you vanquished the ***** clothes?
Come to my arms, oh clean one!
Wonderous day! No more dismay, bless the smell of rose!
For no longer sat a stinky ton.

'Twas Saturday, and the clothes abound,
were cruffled and lay in shabby state,
pants and shirts, to feet were wound,
   or carrumped in arms, a heavy weight.
A parody nonetheless. Done for my high school senior english class. :^) It had to be based off of a chore.
All hail the internet!
The master of us all.
The one who watches day and night,
And guards the human thrall.

All hail the internet!
Our lives without are vain.
Throughout the day we worship you,
Without you life's mundane.

All hail the internet!
Your knowledge unconfined.
Forget the days of reading books,
That time is far behind.

All hail the internet!
We're now smarter and we're kind.
No one argues anymore,
About a dress they find.

Oh, forget the internet.
I can't do this anymore.
That place is twisted and corrupt.
I'd leave but there's no door.
My friend originally had this idea of "All hail the internet" and challenge me to make a poem about it. So here it is.
P.S. If you don't know what dress I'm talking about, that's good. Keep it that way.
Edna Sweetlove Jun 2015
Skidmarks on your *******
Tells a tale on you-oo
Skidmarks on your *******
Shows you did a poo-oo.
Bet you twenty Euro
You and I are through
Skidmarks on your *******
Show you followed through.

Skidmarks on your *******
Skidmarks back and fro-ont
Shows you didn't wipe up
Your ******* or your cu-unt.
Bet you twenty Euro
You stupid little runt
Skidmarks on your *******
***** bumholed ****.
As can be seen this can be sung to the tune of the immortal Connie Francis fifties hit, "Lipstick on your collar".
Enjoy!
Rebel Heart May 2014
Once I met a man named Frank,
Then he renamed himself Poe,
He always enjoyed a good prank,
But that's what made me his foe.

For months I stood awaiting,
Months alone in my room,
Waiting, debating, and hating,
Till the fitting revenge began to bloom.

Then, once upon a midnight dreary,
I began to carry out my plan,
Fully knowing how Poe was weary,
But also knowing tis was the best day to get back on that treacherous man.

So I paint my parrot black,
And made sure it looked like a Raven,
Good thing my pet had a knack,
To turn my foes into a craven.

Telling my parrot (now a raven) "Nevermore",
I issue a simple command,
And leave it by Poe's door,
Thinking, "Oh, Poe's reaction shall be very grand!"
From the title, you could obviously tell what this poem is about. I wrote this some time ago for English Class. This teaches you to 1)Never play an extreme prank on someone that serious and 2)Get your facts right before you start talking to a Raven and thinking how you're gonna live a miserable life because it could be a prank. I know this is pretty stupid, but if you think about it, Poe never did tell us what happened to this man before "The Raven" so it's possible. ;)
Arcassin B Jun 2015
By Arcassin Burnham

Scowl up my face for the moves you make,
You Are the definition to finding a word in the Webster's dictionary,
I'm so Appalled!!!!!
No better way to punish someone you want to destroy in an office full of documents and papers for charitable organizations,
That can be dealt with later,
He enjoys the oral way too often,
And shes never been penetrated,
masterful until he's in his coffin,
Virginity will get authenticated,
Escalated,
Elevated,
Rejuvenated,
Just be glad that your face is straightened.
Lol I like the title
Johnathan locke Apr 2015
You would not believe your eyes
If ten million bombers fly
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave craters everywhere
You'd think me mad
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth burns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is as crazy as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bolts
As they tried to teach me how to talk
A foxtrot above my head
An assassin beneath my bed
The dying world is just hanging by a thread
(Thread, thread...)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth burns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is as stupid as it seems
(When I fall asleep)

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such a paranoid maniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why don't I tire from killing peeps
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too happy to fall asleep
(Ha-ha)

To ten million souls that died
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they screamed in hatred
(screamed in hatred)
But I'll know where several are
If my life get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
(Jar, jar, jar...)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth burns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is as bad as it seems
(When I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth burns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my home is bursting in the streets
If someone can sing this, you have my support.
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