*******

for preying on my naïveté
and the innocence
that I hadn't lost yet

and destroying my trust
when I idolized you
like a ******* god

and taking my heart
knowing **** well that
you planned to break it.




but also,
thank you

for showing me how to
spot those red flags

and teaching me
the lessons that I would
eventually need to learn
with or without you

and proving to me that
I deserve so much better.

The scars on my body are reminders
Reminders  of how I ******* my family.
Reminders of how I no longer have hope.
Reminders that at the end of the day my demons win once again.
They are reminders that i'm still alive and can feel the pain that I am being put through.

I was the kindest soul that ever sang to you and it turns out you never heard a word I spoke.
Claiming that maybe you just didn't need my songs to feel good.
I'm feeding myself false hope by the spoon fulls even after choking so many times.
I wish I could have learned sooner to put the spoon down - I knew it I just couldn't grasp it - the reality of losing it.
He couldn't explain his lack of love for my soul but kept my body full of greed for a year and a half.
Unfortunately, I'm a modernly woman holding on to just a string of hope thinking of all the ways I could change myself for you.

I thought I never was the prettiest picture that you'd admire each night. You told me yourself you had a gallery of others you would desire to be with for a night.
My skin still sinks so low remembering your stories about these selfish needs.
Making me feel I was never enough to love, cherish, and make a home in.
How does it feel to rip down a perfectly fine structure of a woman until she is bird bones?

I had a weak mind and constitution but continued to dance through the storm that I thought you'd save me from one day.
I was always looking for any signs of sun that I dreamt you would bring to me.
I ended up watching you disappear into the sun wishing and just praying that someday I could as well.
I asked to join but you couldn't handle it - you said couldn't understand it because you've never experienced rain like mine.
You put me through hell and I think it's my time to finally be able to breathe without your hands on my throat - don't you mind?

My first experience with love turned out to leave a constellation of scars that I'll one day look at and be able to see their beauty.
But for now, I'm still just counting scars.
But for now, I'm still battling flames you burned in me.
I didn't think I'd write like this about you,
But I can still feel the day you no longer felt like my hometown.
Coming home to you was lackluster and toxic at best - but I still drank it up like it was sweet wine.
Oh, how it still stings.

Finally, you have set me free and I can love you for that because you knew I was too weak to do it myself.
But here I stand tall - I am feeling like I'm starting to breathe and it is so divine.
I think I am floating.

One day I'll taste the sweet serenity of someone who'll listen to my songs and crave my soul and knows how to survive a storm.
But for now, I can only be my biggest supporter.
I can't look for conformation in another being without learning to love the silence.

"I'll take care of you
I'll nurture you
I'll guide you through and to anew
I'll take you so far to a place where you'll be able to build yourself better.
I love you and all your soul, body, and mind.
Don't be terrified, don't let him pull you down, don't let him fool you that he cared about you.
Let this story grow old and crinkle.
He didn't know how lucky he was."

Two little girls at play cheerfully.
Daddy's sleeping.  
Mama's humming in the kitchen.
All is bright. All is well.

One crimson kool-aid stain.
But barbies blanket will fix it.
It's a mess.
Mama's yelling.
All is noise and confusion.

Four hands clash in the air like angry vipers.
Like two great titans, they collide.
There's no time.
But a war zone is no place for Barbie .

Two little girls huddle closely under a bed.
Heads shielded beneath each other's arms.
Tables have fallen.
Plates are  shattered.
All is chaos. All is broken.

And then there's that deafening silence .

Red, white,and blue lights scream their justice over bright yellow walls.
The sirens wail like vultures at a ****.

Two little eyes peek--
To reveal the most vivid image fifteen seconds can carve.

One little girl clings on to her father's leg.
Screaming. Kicking. Crying.
" please don't take my daddy away."

All is bright. None is seen.

Knocking on your door
But no one's home today
I brought a cake and iced champagne
It was supposed to be a special occasion
I call and get no answer
I get no explanation
I'm just standing here by myself
But I guess that's how it goes
So, oh well
Songbirds
Lovebirds
What difference does it make?
It's all a dance to be danced
The end result is the same
Everything that happens winds up in the grave
Still wide awake at 2
My palms sweat in a motel room
See you again?
Maybe the next time
Maybe someday soon

Where are the source of your thoughts
Contesting emotional triggers
Consider those eyelids to flicker
Additional context adds stress
As different paths stretch us apart
Sleep deep within these sheets

Another drill to overcome
The next hurdle and then some
Distracted by less with
small progressive steps

A learning tool for all
Dig away at the molehills
Digress with flexed biceps
Reminded to incorporate rest