Stop! PLEASE stop saying "don't."
"Don't give up."
"Don't be afraid to ask for help."
"Don't be sad."
"Don't keep it bottled up inside."
I could go on and on.
"Don't be scared."
God, I hate that one the most.
Like, why the hell shouldn't I be scared?
Look at everything that's happening.
Look, I know you mean well,
But when you say that word,
It feels like you're trying to control me.
And I already feel
                                  So
                           ­        Out
                                      Of
                    ­                     Control.
I know you want to help.
And it means a lot to know you'll be there if I need help.
But I need to do this on my own.

In the crazy busyness of the day
where electric sounds suffuse,
even a little chat is often a freeway
of words and noise.

And in the midst, he tells me
“Just be yourself.”
There I am
in the small space of silence
being undone
with nothing to say
while I wonder
what self.

A friend tells me they’re getting a divorce.
The doctor says the tests are positive.
I watch: the surge of floods taking homes and lives
or images of smoke and debris right after a bombing.
After a real serious play or movie.
In the waiting room after I hear she is going to die.

In those lonely tiny spaces
of darkness
I cannot speak.

In those aftermath moments
I am silenced.

How do I react
to being out of control
or make these things normal
or fit them into my routine ways of being me?

Silence asserts itself
like a wild animal
I cannot tame.

At these intervals
of being powerless
I hope I do not miss the chance
to humbly bow
in silence
and embrace my humanity
and smallness
in the cosmos
where it is utterly trivial
to just be my self.

Please, let me go
I am out of air
I can't breathe

Night charges in and Fear tiptoes after
They slither across the floor
And as they crawl into bed with me, I can hear their maniacal laughter.

In my sabotaged subconscious there is no lock on the door,
An open party where the demons dance
And in explicit, intricate agony I attempt to scream “No more! NO MORE!”

The zombies infest, fester, and invade as their decayed, falling-off feet begin to prance
My mouth is gagged and the chains tighten, as horror plays before my eyes
This is no ordinary tragedy – not one soul has a chance

Trust is meaningless and dangerous, the loyal ones are spies
Logic is thrown out – there is neither a beginning nor an end
Time turns and churns, double-crossers criss-cross – lies, lies, LIES!

My power is ripped away, shred by tiny shred
Everything is spiraling out of my control
I silently scream and struggle as Fear forcefully pins me to the bed

I swim through the sea towards consciousness, but He won’t let me go.
Eyes fly open as Fear ties me up with taught ropes, His beautiful disaster
The unbreakable fibers are woven from smoky shadows, and time crawls on far too slow

My heart beats – faster, faster, FASTER!
But the helpless heroine is no more
The shadows slink away and stick to their corners, for Daylight is my master.