It just feels
Like I should be feeling
More, dealing
With moving on.
I look upon
The past six years;
Joys regrets fears
Run through my mind
But I find
That nothing truly stands out
About
My emotions, nothing
Seems to be stabbing
Into my heart like I thought
It was but did not.
Is it wrong
To not feel much
About where I’ve been for so long?
Because deep down I know such
Thoughts will come to light
Soon; bright
And white
They will be
(Yet rendering my head and heart
Ever so dark).
How long will it take for me
To see
The pictures that should be
Running through my head,
But are choosing to hide instead?

I.

First it’s a look shared through the glass
A window between us

The feeling that passes through me
When I watch him explain the impossible
And make it look easy

Then it’s the wondering that overtakes me
Behind the counter where I’ve lost myself in thought
Surrounded by books that won’t tell me
If he’s thinking of me too

It’s the ache that comes from longing
To hear the sound of his voice
But I’m too scared to call
Unless I’m already drunk

It’s that feeling in the pit of my stomach
Everyone calls butterflies, but really
It feels like too much, just so much

It happens when you start to fall.

And it’s a slap in my own the face
As I hide deeper inside of myself
Because he is beautiful
And I am all sharp edges

He is enough
But I am just not ready

II.

I always find myself going back to you
When I imagine how I wanted it to be
And what I wish I had said

It’s so strange to be here
So many years later
Still wondering if it was you all along

We shared this kiss once
You and I
Once of those steamy
Spur of the moment
You only live once type of deals

I know you remember it too

My heart hurts just thinking about it because
It was always such a blur of wrongtimewrongplacewrongsomething
Between me and you

I guess I never stopped being too scared to call
Unless I was already drunk
It’s been years since I heard your voice
But I am haunted

Time doesn't heal. You do.
Love doesn't conquer all.
But you can when you're ready.
And it's okay if you're not ready.
It takes time to be strong.
Don't be afraid to live young.
Because you won't be for long.

I'm sorry, but I'm not ready.
I'm not ready to love you.
To be with you.
To offer more of me
Than a hug or a kiss.
I know it may sound strange, but I'm not ready for the potential, perpetual bliss.
I'm not ready to take your hand, or get out on the floor and groove.
Maybe I will someday,
But until then, whether you stay or go, it's your move.

I might envy all those couples on the street
I might be jealous of those sweet scenes in the movies
I might want all those kisses and hugs to accompany at nights
I might be lonely and desperate to have a little sweet love
But stop telling me to find one
Stop saying to me to open my heart
Because I wont
At least not now
When I might still need to fix myself
When I might still be a mess
When I might still have this trust issue buried so deep
When the more I live, the more I might become skeptical about human