I massage the black seed oil into my hair
love the way it reminds me of my mother's fragrant laugh
And the way her soft hands stretch the dough
And she sprinkles kalonji onto it where the melting butter
welcomes the seeds with open arms

I braid this ocean breeze into my itching scalp
Thinking of how she would sit me down
And run her fingers through my knotted hair
After I played outside without a care
And I would shriek in pain with every pull,
desperate to leave her grasp
But she would pour the mustard seed oil onto her palms
And I would be transported into her tough love

Now I think about those moments,
And the pain feels like distant menthol induced haziness
Instead, all I feel is my back against her warmth

—————————————————————
Kalonji - Black Seed/Onion Seed

Anyway we live

in common on our commons:


our planet, the earth.

smother my mother in my love
kisses to her armor, she can’t feel it
she even resists, but I keep repeating the steps
approach, appreciate, allow
kiss her cheek and bow
I don’t know how much longer I have with her
but I cherish each moment, each pocket of sunshine I savor
my queen, the empress
The shining example of a goddess
I thank god for her, for my family
I am finally understanding

I waited on many mothers with their daughters today.
my last table had a prada shopping bag with them.
they stayed an hour after my shift ended.
did they think
I didn't have a mother
waiting at home?
...
of course, my mother wasnt at home.
she, too,
waited on many mothers with their daughters today.
i wonder if she realizes,
in another life,
we would be at the table
with a prada shopping bag
too.
give me a few years, mom.
we'll get there.

Of all the moms that grace my life,
     Mom, you're the mom that's best of all.
I thank You, God, for my awesome mom,
     The bestest mom since mankind's fall.

Today is Mother's Day of 2022.
But I can not spend it with you.
You died over nine years ago.
Love was what you once showed.
Many people celebrate this day.
But in 2013, you passed away.
Mother's Day is what I tolerate.
It's a day that I can't celebrate.
I can't celebrate but I wish I could.
You died and you're gone for good.
You were a great mother and that's true.
If I could, I would tell you that I love you.

I am broken, I am worn
Broken from another’s scorn.

Rebuilt with random other parts,
Held together with one heart.

I run on lost time
Air tastes divine
Treating the world
like it’s some ****** up shrine,
Leaving my stuffing all over the floor
Once strangers soon strangers cause they’re wanting more.

Reminding you how it could always be worse
How all bad things will run their course

But a marathon leaves you panting heaving
broken,
breathless.
Stuffed eyes, sewed shut mouth.

I am broken, I will be reborn
Mending from a mother’s scorn
Rebuilt with once strangers other parts
Held together by their hearts.

Mother, would you love me?
Would you love me if you knew why I cringe at the thought of being you,
A strong woman?
I have the strong, but not quite woman enough
Would you love me if you knew you’ve lost two daughters, not one?
If you knew how hard I try to live up to a sister that never got to be
They always told me how much you wanted a daughter
You told me how hard your grandmother prayed.
I wonder if she’d pray for me the same
Or if she’s rolling in her grave.

Momma, would you love me if you knew me?
Me, and not the stories I tell you of the boys that could’ve loved me if i had let them
Or the thought of a woman I could be.
Would you love me if I’d told you about her? How I fell in love while you were in the next room.
How “I won’t get married” really means that I refuse to have a wedding you won’t come to. And the only option is a wedding you won’t enjoy.
How “I won’t give birth” really means I won’t be a mother. All the things you had hoped for me are not for me.
Would you still love me if I just let myself be?

I can’t find the courage to make you grieve for so many losses, to grieve for any more.
I know the new me. Me.
I may be hard to get to know or explain. I’m still learning.
But mom, would you love me? Would you still let me hold your hand? Would you read me stories and give me hugs? Would you still love me? Or is this what you called growing up? Because mom, I may not be your daughter, but I still need my mom