i close my eyes and try to think
of the day he gave me a wink

i was frozen from head to toe
marveling at my future beau

my mind was blank, my heart stopped dead,
resulting in my cheeks bright red

his hazel eyes were hard to bare
i stood there locked in his glare

he walked past me and started to go,
I turned around and saw a foe

he held her close, they shared a kiss
I much prefer ignorant bliss

I never asked you to touch me.
My limbs were heavy with sleep as you moved over me,
Doing things that I wouldn’t let you do earlier, when we were awake.
My first slumber party with a college boy took a turn at 3 AM
My eyes rolling back in my head,
And I felt your hands pulling the tops of my jeans down over my legs
Sleeping, I must be sleeping, dreaming, I must be dreaming…

Did you kiss me? I don’t remember
What did you do to me?
I don’t remember. Did I say yes, no, maybe, please?
I don’t remember.

But in the morning, I was staring at the ceiling while you slept, thinking
About my friend
Whose boyfriend pushed her down onto the bed
Calling her a tease and saying that if they were going to stay together
She was going to have to fulfill all of his needs…

And my Christian friend, who saw that cute guy at a party
And all night he kept complimenting her, bringing her drinks,
Until they slipped away into one of the back rooms,
And he forced her down to the floor, on her knees.
She called me the next morning, crying
Asking if I could please go pick up something for her.
“What?”
“God, this is so embarrassing… ok… I need a Plan B”.

And now I’m thinking about my ex, who had asked
His crush over to hangout and watch some Netflix
And
He was never sure what exactly happened, but
First they were kissing, then things escalated and
She took charge of his body, his hands and
A few days later he was standing in line to get an STD test.

I remember enough, though, enough from last night to know that
We didn’t have ***.
So.
Things could always be worse, I tell myself.
Things could always be worse… I guess.

I was clipped at birth,
         never meant to fly..
Only to crawl before I walked.

Shamed to crawl on the filth
        of those below me..
never wording, only splurging nonsense.

But when I learn to crawl,
        I leant morality.
Morality was my chain clinging closely.

And I learnt I fell from nowhere,
             to a point of a momently breath.

Glad that l lived in the now,
                not the extinguished breath
of what had already faded to nothingness.

Mistake.
A miss taken.
A misstep taken.
A misstep is all it takes.
A misstep takes it all.
Take a misstep, all breaks.
A misstep is all it takes to break.
A misstep is all it takes to break your spirit.

Do you know the feeling
of adding onto a mistake?
Switching, twisting, making it more appealing,
but no matter what you make,
what it used to be leaves an imprint on the paper.
Black on white.
Wrong on right.

Don’t you wish it wasn’t so?

But you can’t delete your save data, like in some game.
You can’t just start over, blank slate, new avatar, new name.
The system will never forget;
On that, you can place your bet.
And in case you’re wondering why...

Regret.

Like a whirlpool out of control,
like a rampant snowball,
runaway, amassing all
intrusive memories it can gather,
moments and details you would rather
forget, but the fact that you remember makes you madder!
And it is as such with all matter.

Mistakes leave a stain
on your brain.
Wipe the muck?
No such luck.
Because that’s not how the world works, you see?
The way of the universe is entropy.

To my brain: "It's sad when the person who mean a lot to you is now becoming a stranger in you life."
Friends and heart: "Try to talk to him, try to fix your mistake, try to tell him what you feel for them, try everything to not let them go."
Me: " I did try, but nothing works. Everything it goes wrong."

my life has become one of those dreams,
where you watch yourself ***** up from afar.
everything's perfect, everything's fine.
i speak those lies, for i can't even explain what it is.
all i can say is, i can feel myself slipping away.
i'm leaving myself behind,
goodbye.
to.
myself.