My mind just wont be quiet,

My brain is never still,

It's just one of the many things,

Of being mentally ill.

I needed to feel something real.
I had to confirm my existence.
So I walked barefoot in the cold.
This pain, never felt so good.

- Depersonalization

I have never starred at a blank page and never not known what to write.
Its like the words  no longer express my feelings, feelings that are no longer short phrases or poems of emotions.

My feelings  are inexpressible they have become so complicating.
I have mentally blocked out what was my outlet " Writing". I was once able to let out my emotions on a page and leave them there, But now its like I write an emotion and gain twice as much back.

I have lost my battle  and my strength to continue to try. As I sit here writing I realize that this may not make sense to anyone else but me. If you are reading this I have never wanted to make sense to anyone, because these are my feelings . I am just writing how I feel

I wonder if the answer is in the formulas and theorems that the world has held since the beginning of time
If the limit approaches Gods thrown on high
The limit does not exist for His love of man kind

And I've wondered how deep the oceans are,
does it have any correlation to the peace in Your heart?
Divers found coral 10,000 years old,
That's only a fraction of the value for the love you have for me, I'm told

And speaking of value, if I could continue,
Thank you for her kindness
And my mothers strength
And my brothers keen mind
I've wondered what it's like to clay and craft
And how You could create so much beauty
In each and every person, from first to last,

They say you're the first and the last,
And God I never stopped wondering,
How you knew the moment that I would choose to be my last,
And why you chose to save my life when you knew I had no interest in making you my master
And why the years have gotten better but now time only goes faster and faster

When the sparkle and gleam fades from my eyes
Because my neurons don't fire quite right
And my burdens have taken their toll,
Remember I wouldn't walk so heavy if my head wasn't a fight
And my father left a permanent scar on my heart
I know he didn't mean it but he tore our family apart
God, did you know this would all happen from the very start?
My favorite lines for 8 years have been What can I do? How can I help?
But now it's just, How do I play this part?

Love me gentle love me kind
Love me love me make me remember
Love me love me make me pure of mind

My psychiatrist told me when I was 11 years old  my serotonin levels were too low
Okay, I understand my neurons don't fire quite right
I'll take my medicine. I know, I'll be alright,
But then doctor why am I kept up at night?
Why do I explode and turn everything into a fight?
Why can't I see clearly or do what is right?
Will you help me to see
Help me to be me
My strength doesn't run endlessly
Oh God, help me to be

Its cold, Its dark
the rain pours down
I wear my face in a constant frown
As I walk through the park
All the people I see
Run and smile
Happy and free
And hide my frown and pretend for a while.

But when the night comes
And the darkness return
I beg and pray for the rise of the sun
But its too far away
That I learnt

So that was that
My final surrender
I say goodbye to the rats
And my body so slender
The cold of the barrel caressing my lips
The pain and the scars on both of my hips
with one final tear I whisper goodbye
To the painful life which I had lead
One last noise; a deafening Bang
and all is silent because then I was dead

What is LOVE?
Is it a noun?
Is it a verb?
Is it just a word?
Is it something you say ?
Is it something you do?
Is it Something you feel?
Do you know what love is?
You can Physically Love someone.
You can mentally Love someone.
Love can mean many things.
But its all up to you on how you want to truly define LOVE.

My roots lie in the soil of the ground,
But my head is in the clouds.
Please don't ask me how now,
Just know that my head is in the clouds.

At night I wonder when the Sun will return to me,
Oh right, it will in the morning.
The atmosphere remains true to me.

it remains true to me, it remains true to me,
it remains.. true to me.
it remains true to me, it remains true to me,
it remains.. true to me.

My roots lie in the soil of the ground,
But my head is in the clouds.
Please don't ask me how now,
Just know that my head is in the clouds.

THE NEXT DIMENSION!, THE NEXT DIMENSION!
I'll be there.
THE NEXT DIMENSION!, THE NEXT DIMENSION!
Beyond the air.
THE NEXT DIMENSION!, THE NEXT DIMENSION!
Meet me there.

THE NEXT DIMENSION!, THE NEXT DIMENSION!
AN INTERNAL FLARE!!

My roots lie in the soil of the ground,
But my head is in the clouds.
Please don't ask me how now,
Just know that my head is in the clouds.

In the clouds now, in the clouds now,
Everyone is invited, everyone is invited.
In the clouds now, in the clouds now,
I won't deny it, no I won't deny it.

My roots lie in the soil of the ground.........

(c) 2010 Brandon Antonio Smith

10/1/10