Screaming into the ether,
That’s all I have left.
I cannot be ungrateful,
For the opportunity that is dangling in front of me,
As it has been
For what feels like an eternity.

Time has stopped.
I cannot move forward.
I cannot take new paths.
I cannot build my future.
I am trapped in this bubble of waiting
And I can feel myself aging
As the world around me spins on.

I am hurting.
My darkness rearing its head
For another attempt
On my battle scarred soul.

I am not strong enough,
Not as I stand.
I have spent so much energy
On merely surviving,
And the ongoing torment
Of all the unknowns are weighing,
Far heavier, than I could have anticipated.

I am pained,
But the guilt I feel
By that little voice in my head,
That likes to tell me how good I have it
How fortunate I am,
How selfish and ridiculous I am being.

So I want to hide away
Pretend I’m fine,
I have no right to feel pained,
To feel broken down,
To cry.

I have no right to be hurting,
To feel like I have nowhere to go,
No right to be afraid,
That I’m moments away from becoming
Completely undone.

My illnesses taunt me,
And terrorise me,
So I’m lost and afraid.

I don’t have the words
To express the depth of this
Which scares me the most
As they are my only defence.

My walls are crumbling
The enemy has breached the gate
I’m trying to run
I fear its too late.

I am lost.

Depression
14. Anxiety
13. RAD
12. PTSD
11. Sleep
10. Sleep
9. Allergies
8. Dizziness
7. Eating Disorder
6. Headaches
5. Vitamins
4. Vitamins
3. Vitamins
2. Vitamins
1. Vitamins
                                  Yet none of them seem to help

deafandblind
deafandblind
deafandblind since the day i turned nine but
coping.
getting there.
working on it.

The mind it yells ‘imposter’
Each time I find the time to write
Never telling who I am, only telling who I am not.

Squawking, sulking in my ear
Drives the pen, the words to veer,
Drives the mind to that of Lears,
Into the sullenness of my volition.
Imposter, Imposter - not a syndrome but a title;

The title of my biography, the world’s class joke
The worlds least known, the worlds last hope.

I have a Saviour but I am my own,
Rather, I insist to be my own.

Hypnotized by the shadow, or not a shadow but a void,
A black void, not empty but falling,
Falling deep and a miss, falling, falling to my abyss -

Imposter Void Imposter, write your sweet nothingness,
I pity myself but I go on, Imposter Void Imposter -
Sympathetic, the abyss lends it’s kiss.

Agitation, despair and its winged variations, you name it
all repressed but still rise to test me

What is my recourse?
I tread lightly on this Escheresque concourse
It’s repeated often, I know
but the pen and keys are my most cathartic release
they’re magma to emerging flames
they’re sedatives for demons and angels alike
that reside on corners of this clavicle

How many steps could you take through my lens, my concave mirror?
Have you felt what I felt?
The brimming, cerebral cauldron bursting, putting volcanic geysers to shame
the questions outnumbering seconds spent since Earth’s nativity
the emotions ripping a rift through which rationality deep dives
it becomes Phelps in unknown depths
your body becomes both a Vatican and a Colosseum,
place of worship and place of war
and you walk the tightropes your vocal chords have morphed into
careful to seem like another replica, don’t wanna upset the blades they all balance on
don’t wanna scare the rest hollow, no,
best to follow and best to follow the regimen:

coffee beans and spice of delusion in the hazelnut syrup,
sip slow
follow the same cycle because change is a cocoon and cocoons ache like the past
keep on pretending to love the workplace
love the norms held over you
puppet strings bring warmth after all
in this solitary world cold as winter missile silos
and just as destructive

So I ask again, have you felt what I felt?

Do the few days in utopia offset the majority on rodent wheels?
Have you risen so high, to satellite peaks, to the best you’ve ever been
only to have the worst waiting on the coin’s parallel?

We flip like saltwater fins and backstroke till a back is left broke
I’m learning to discard hope but breathe in the alternative
I believe in better days, I will carve them from local stone
and build a home upon their surfaces
I now know paradise is a set of blueprints
happiness is no state of mind, it’s a direction to me
you may not notice when you arrive
but you keep going

and that’s the beauty of it
you let it be the wind
It’ll find you on your journey

Tell me again,
have you felt what I felt?

My mind,
It wanders.
Cursing me with images.
Playing videos of,
Moments.
Not moments that have happened,
No,
But moments that,
Well,
I want.
For example,
One that always appears,
I wish to relax.
My head in someone's thighs,
Their hand in my hair,
The TV on,
Just in the moment.
Or,
Sitting beneath the night,
Us amongst nature.
Or on the hood of my car,
Looking into the vast beyond,
Talking about whatever.
Oh also.
Laying side by side,
My arm,
Being used for a pillow,
Drifting to sleep together.
But then again those are just,
Beautiful Fantasies.