We lied in bed together
Never catching a breather
You called me.... Baby
You said that... You love me

To blue eyes,
Mistress lied
But I can't really blame you
I do the same to me, too

“How do you feel?”

She sits across from me with an unintentional smug look
plastered across the canvas of her face.

“Fine.” I say bluntly.
“Fine” meaning ‘I can’t stop picturing his face
and how his hands feel on my waist
and how it’s so much better when he’s with me and not her’.
“Fine” meaning ‘why did he have to ruin it?
Why didn’t he just pretend he loved me back?’
“Fine” meaning ‘I could catch the bus to his home right now;
stand on the doorstep and demand
he glue and stitch back together my broken heart.’
“Fine” meaning ‘I don’t want to talk to you about it.”
“Fine” meaning ‘I’m going to go home now,
lie on the roof of my house and try to get the sound
of his muffled-through-his-chest heartbeat
and the sound of my own crying
out of my head’.

I keep on messing up,
I can’t seem to do anything right.
I don’t even have to fess up,
The truth does not hide.
I’m trying so hard,
Why do the wrong words roll off my tongue?
They are just sitting in my mouth,
Waiting,
Lying in wait for the perfect moment to strike
And emerge, at the worst moment,
The moment when no matter what else is
In my mouth, they cannot be erased.
Sometimes my mind thinks these things,
And I feel guilty, increasingly guilty,
Every day the same.
I can’t keep my feelings bottled up inside,
Feelings that I shouldn’t be feeling in the first place.
My effort, my intensity, my enthusiasm is there,
But I can’t complete the task.  
My mindless words hurt,
Hurt those I care about most.
In my head, I know I shouldn’t say it,
But in my head it doesn’t sound as bad.
I know this is all in my head, I know
Everything will be okay, that my words,
Though not totally erased, will be forgotten, forgiven.
But I’ll say them again,
I know I will.
They’re just lying in wait, and that’s the truth.
That’s the truth.

Could you?
Could you bring yourself to tell me the truth?
Could you tell me what really happened all those years ago?
Could you tell me why you never loved me,
Like I did you, though you pretended to?
Could you tell me why you lied about why you had to shatter me?
Could you tell me why you even said yes in the first place?
Could you tell me why you kissed him,
In a bathroom, and told me you had to leave me,
Because your mother was discriminatory
Towards any being who loved more people than those of just the opposite ***?
Could you tell me why you never openly told me the truth,
But told the whole story on a forum,
As a dedication to him?
Could you tell me why,
After you knew I was mostly healed,
You wrote all of that,
And put it up,
Where you knew I would see it?
Could you tell me why you never said a ****** thing,
When we started talking again?
Could you tell me why you lied?
Could you?

you smell like clean soap.
cold, soft hands
and skin that is wrinkled with worry.

your eyes shadow your cheeks.
i made you worry,
i'm so sorry
did i disappoint you today?

if you knew
what i know

would you care less?

i don't need a cup of water
no- i don't deserve one.
because my tiredness is made up of lies,
and my productivity is an endless maze of recycled warmth.

i am selfish.
i push myself underwater because i like the feeling of oxygen leaving my lungs.

GO AWAY
and
LEAVE ME ALONE
because
I HATE YOU

hello
your eyes seem to shadow your cheeks.
i made you worry,
but you smell like clean soap.
i'm so sorry.
did i disappoint you today?

Hanging out with smarties
At red plastic cup parties
Thinking they’re so cool
But they’re actually fools.
Skipping most of the classes
Since intellectuals are *****,
They clump and swarm like bugs
To compete with their drugs.

Who can last the longest and
Who is the most available
To do the chanciest behavior
And end drunk under a table?
The worst thing to ever be
Is seen as a party pooper
And not partying hardy is
Totally radical and super.

Pay someone to take your tests
Just like the timeless precedent.
Acting just like all the rest
Means popularity is heaven sent.
Later you’ll get hired for sure
For coming from the right school.
They’ll never guess you’re a dunce
A ne’er do well and a fool.

Hanging out with smarties
At red plastic cup parties
Thinking they’re so cool
But they’re actually fools.
Skipping most of the classes
Since intellectuals are *****,
They clump and swarm like bugs
To compete with their drugs.

Just like you care about fashion
You will buy the proper clothes.
You’ll slide in via the Old Boy Club
And come out smelling like a rose.
And since most people spend time
Paying for statues they have erected,
You’ll get yours all in good time
Because that’s who gets elected.

Then if you do what you’re told
And vote for the right corporation
You’ll get those many perks
They promised before graduation.
Just sit quietly and take the bribes
And say as little as you can
You will be what we call today
An extremely important man.

Hanging out with smarties
At red plastic cup parties
Thinking they’re so cool
But they’re actually fools.
Skipping most of the classes
Since intellectuals are *****,
They clump and swarm like bugs
To compete with their drugs.

This works for women as well,
But it’s not nearly as speedy.
Really the fat cats would prefer
You go be counsel for the needy.
But as long as you are quiet,
Agree with all the guys are doing.
You can act just like a man
And contribute to the general ruin.

Hanging out with smarties
At red plastic cup parties
Thinking they’re so cool
But they’re actually fools.
Skipping most of the classes
Since intellectuals are *****,
They clump and swarm like bugs
To compete with their drugs.

I'm kinda bad at making friends
but even worse at keeping them.
Hold everyone at a distance,
when they leave put up no resistance.
I know I will say goodbye soon,
to even those I'm closest to.
Compartmentalize, tell aimless lies,
never truly look into their eyes.
Loneliness is self inflicted.
The death of friendship isn't only predicted,
but anticipated and orchestrated.
Over and over this has been demonstrated.
Apathy feeds isolation,
causing me to turn from anyone
who turns even slightly away from me.
Now, isolation feeds apathy,
I move on so quickly from the friends I lose,
and so you see the cycle continues.

-“Tell me a secret”
-I love you. “I don’t have any.”

I've told this lie before.
Every time, you believed me.