-- bilet-doux

an autumn evening
warmth as the sunlight filters through my window
perfectly white daisies make a flowery scent
a burning candle, the smell of flames
on paper i write to you

"my love
i am surrounded by scents but none of them smell quite like you
i am surrounded by warmth but it is nothing like the warmth of your body on mine
no matter the situation, you are always the first thing that comes to mind
i miss you"
busily, the pen scratches, coming to a halt

i think

how do i tell my love that the longing heartache that i feel in his absence is nothing / compared to the heartache i feel when he comes / only to leave
how do i tell my love i do not want him to come back unless it is forever
how do i tell my love that he causes me so much pain ;
giving me only a glimpse / when i deserve a lifetime

i think

the pen doesn't touch the paper
i fold and seal the letter
how do i tell my love

bilet-doux --

it broke me when you told me about the misery that you're in
it broke me that all you ask is some sort of comfort,
and yet i can't give it to you
it broke me that i can't go there and offer my shoulders,
whispering "it's gonna be okay"

eventhough you and i both know it's not gonna be

Thousands of miles separate us
Who said long distance works?
I hate it
I want you here
My bed is cold
I sleep diagonal
When are you coming back?
I miss you
Come hold me again
Virtual dates & late night talks
Five minutes of holding you can change it all
Long distance is tough
Baby I want you
I miss you
Come hold me again.

8/24/20

I apologize to you without knowing my fault
Without the sense of you not wanting me to respond
I’m careless, persistent & overbearing
Because I decided to act impulsively on my feelings
It hurts
It hurts to know I’m not what you want
I’m not
You are everything I want
I didn’t know you weren’t ready to talk
I know too well what that means
You’re moving on without me
I won’t disturb you
Or try to touch your happiness anymore
I’ll vanish beautifully as you wish

Since when was this handheld device
the extent of our physical love?
From across the room I stare at it
half expecting it to blow
The illumination of the screen now mirrors the enlightenment I once felt
in your arms
Though of course much diminished.
I am beginning to fear it
knowing the potential of our words to form
exit wounds
How can I predict the disaster I may inflict when i no longer know the surroundings of this battlefield?
I throw this bomb against my floor, knowing the eruption of this force will be lesser than what is now incinerating through my head
from your words.

everything happened so fast
we cried
i left
and just like that
it was all over
like we hadn't meant anything
as if we hadn't loved each other
it was nobody's fault
except for maybe life's
we had promised to stay together
a promise we couldn't keep
i wonder whether i am the villan
you stayed behind waiting
miserable is all you were
i couldn't watch
and he made it so easy
easy to forget
how much i loved you
despite the ocean between us
you saw me being happy
and you hated him for it
and i hated you
for not wanting me to be
you made my life colorful
it all faded without you
i was scared of the dull grey
and he sparked a fire, brought light
it felt like being saved
how unfair to want that
i disgust myself

what do i do?
My technicolour bliss has turned black and white
those glowing hues have travelled four thousand miles across the north atlantic
A great big ocean drains my colour
secures the distance

All I want is to reach out and touch arms, touch hands, touch fingertips,
those sparks that zig-zag around
streaming rainbows in all forms of the word

Now, we're two souls in solitary.
not alone together, just alone
How can it be us against the world if we're on different sides of it?
I can't keep this distance.