please!
i want to grasp it
between my fingers without nails
(i bite them off in my neurosis)
and dig my dull digits into it!
please! the truth -- what color is its blood?

i want to hatefuck socrates while
he moans about the mixolydian mode
being drunken and sad.

we tried, that day, to find it
but looking up at the stars
is just a fancy way of looking down,
into our mineral navels
into our vegetable innards!

Wet soap bar
Slides through
Slippery fingers-

Falls on dirt
Again, and again

Wiping its dirt out,
It’s getting picked up

With the same
slippery fingers

Again, and again

Yes I’m a man, I checked it
the evidence is there

Still it does not really matter
what’s in your underwear

Quit playing the captivating pretty
you are way more than that

Underneath the nifty mask, the bait,
the shield it chokes to death

It’s a foolish trap of mating game
that´s gone terribly wrong

Know you are worth the gems inside of you
for those I crave and long

For what’s in your mind and bit behind
What’s there for us to share

There I find me, find you, the fields
I’ve seen once growing love with yields

Don’t get me wrong for having all this said
stll it’s rainbows unicorns

once bodies sing along,
surrendered free they become shared

I don’t love you
I love a reflection of you
a version of you
that appears to be you
but is not you

I don’t know you
not anymore
I knew you
when you knew me
when you cared to know me
but that is not you

to just be, gives me peace
like watching birds communicate
on a branch through the kitchen window
watching waves hit the rocks
white foam painting the dark blue sea
there is peace out there, and in me

happiness is fleeting, yet it is
also there to stay
it becomes my friend, day and night
exits the scene
when there is trouble, but instead
of "goodbye", it's "see you later"

if happiness were a friend
i'd text them all day, greeting
"hi how've you been?" "are you up for lunch?"
"dinner?" "what have you been up to
lately?" but some days i settle down, knowing
that they'll come by when needed

to just know, gives me peace
there is power, soft and steady
but oh so there, in knowing
that happiness will always return
to me, to everyone, always
coming back home

You were always the first person I told.
But for some reason, you were the last person to know.

Why did you do that?

Choose to not know me.

In process of knowing who I am!
In process of recalling my memories!
I found an empty space!
A space I can’t remember!
A space I struggle to belong to!
A space I questioned my belongings in this world!
A space I realized I’m forgotten!

14-10-2018

'What is worse' you say,
'is being left
without a choice
and the only thing you can do
is to adapt to the situation
of being alone'

And as I dry my eyes on my hand, I say 'no'

'What is worse is having to face the decision
over and over again
without coming closer to knowing
what is right
or wrong'.

'What is worse' I say,
'is to be next to someone
and still be alone,
and not knowing
if you're gonna crush their world
or ignoring your own.

So no, what is worse
is to never truly understand
what you should
or shouldn't
have done
and yet,
the choice is always at your hands'

I remember the naivety
It was like swimming in an ocean

The waves prelapsing onto my skin
Freezing cold
But I stayed.

I stayed in the water allowing my to nerves scream
Screaming for warmth.
Yet my body filled with lust told me to stay.
It began to become warmer
So I stayed in longer.
I had hoped it would fill the vulnerable space I had open.

I let it fill me with salty cold water.

The skin on my fingers and toes began to fold.
Whispering upon the folds worriedly
'Enough'.
I resisted
'ENOUGH' the folds screamed.

My legs begin to move towards the oceans shore.
The water droplets trickle down slowly but surely
My face,
My lips,
My body,
Now exposed to what used to be welcoming air.

The air now filled with angry wind, whips my body,
Harshly shouting 'Why, o why?'
'Why have you given your body to the ocean?'
My lips, unable to move shiver against the wind's whips.

'Guide me back' my hair says trembling with mercy, damp of water.

The wind's whips weaken.
'Follow the path',
'Follow the path of rightousness'

The wind forgivingly breathes into my lungs
Gasping, finally giving me the warmth and sweet taste of air