I see people alone, and in pain
i see people walking with no name
i see people forgetting what it means to live
forgetting what the good life is

forgetting the taste of apples
forgetting the taste of milk
forgetting the taste of eggs
forgetting how to cook
forgetting warm water
forgetting the meaning of soft
forgetting how to soothe
a troubled persons mind, or heart
living as slaves to their past
and dwelling on dreams of the future
forgetting the strength of the will
forgetting the potential of the heart
forgetting the importance of the soul
forgetting the power of love

only knowing the cold hard floor
only knowing closing doors
only knowing stupid games
only knowing lots of pain, and no gain
only knowing loosing everything
only knowing hurting all the time
only knowing loneliness is inescapable
only knowing violence is inevitable
only knowing people that don't care
only knowing its all unfair
only knowing dying is better than so much suffering
only knowing trying does nothing

not knowing you
not knowing the good you can do
not knowing the lives you can save
not knowing the lives you can change
not knowing that there's someone out there that cares
not knowing there's someone willing to treat your life as it it were theirs
not knowing someone so kind
not knowing someone who wont stab you from behind
not knowing you would be happy to make their day
not knowing someone like you is only a breath away

finding a path they can finally walk
finding someone they can happily be
finding how easy it is to forget the past
finding how easy it is to pursue the dreams of the future
finding out the incredible strength of the will
finding out the endless limits of the heart
finding out the extreme importance of the soul
finding out the infinite power of love
knowing what they can do for you
knowing the good they can do
knowing the lives they can save
knowing the lives they can change
knowing how to care
knowing that their willing to treat your life as if it were theirs
knowing how to be kind
knowing they wont stab you from behind
knowing they would be happy to make you day
knowing that someone they used to be is only a breath away
knowing what to do
knowing how to help the people they used to be
knowing how to be free

whether its living for yourself
living the dream
living for the people
or living for everything

living is being true to yourself
living is being strong
living is having the discipline to listen to yourself
and having the courage to follow along

living is having no regrets
living is being a kind and loving person
living is being a part of everything
and above all
living is giving
and taking is not
living is living
and that
is living

i hate knowing that you’re with another girl
i hate knowing that you kiss her goodnight
i hate knowing that you text her good morning and goodnight
i hate knowing that you share personal things with her
i hate knowing that you’re intimate with her
i hate knowing that she’s better than me
i hate knowing that you’re happier with her
i hate knowing that i told you how i felt and nothing more happened
i hate knowing that you’re going to be with her through university
i hate knowing that she was your first kiss
i hate knowing that she was your first
i hate knowing that she was your prom date
i hate knowing that you have an anniversary with her
i hate knowing that you went camping together
i hate knowing that my friend set you two up
i hate knowing that i was made a fool
i hate knowing that I’m not that girl
i hate knowing that you probably told her you love her
i hate knowing that she gets all of your attention
i hate knowing that she has no idea
i hate knowing that she gets to hug you
i hate knowing that you give her your sweater when she gets cold at night
i hate knowing that you take her out for drives
i hate knowing that you take her out for cute dates
i hate knowing that she may be the one
i hate knowing that ill never have you
i hate knowing that you’ll never take me back
i hate knowing that we both feel the same way but we still aren’t together
i hate knowing that everyone knew about it
i hate knowing that the love of my life will marry someone else

It tasted good only because you made it. Fear. Tragedy. Hope. Inevitability. Knowing it will all be over. Soon. The last time you see someone. The first time you see someone. The space in between. Finite. Always. The idea of a person in your mind. Forever. Always. Only sometimes on the surface. Often in the back of your mind. Forgotten for some time. Then thought about for one last time too. Tragedy. The last time you think of someone. Far away. Warmth. Blanket. Something you haven't told anyone. Saying it. Feeling like it's ok. Knowing it's ok. Knowing it's ok to be open. Opening. Breathing from the back of your mind where you don't usually go. Riveting. Rare. The moments where it is deep. Crying. Laughing. Laughing to avoid crying. Holding a box of tissues. Tears. Fear. Hope. Gratitude. Thrill. Empathy. Thinking about what to say. Not thinking about what to say. Hope. Trust. Honesty. Not having to think about what to say. Freedom. Freedom from fear. Freedom from manipulation. Freedom from judgment. Freedom from yourself. Knowing what it means to connect with someone. Knowing what it means. Gift. Blessing. Miracle. A gift nobody can take away from you. Information. Experience. Beauty. Disappearing. Disappearing, but having to have existed in the first place in order to disappear. Wonderful. Crying. Tears. Knowing what is going to happen in the future. Knowing separation is inevitable. Knowing sorrow. Knowing inevitability. Knowing what is best. Knowing what you want is not what you get. Knowing experiences. Knowing memories. Knowing closeness. Knowing warmth. Knowing fear. Knowing freedom. Knowing beauty. Knowing empathy. Knowing freedom from yourself. Knowing miracles. Knowing someone. Knowing you.

Sleep deprivation

***

Guilt

Sense-making and maps of meaning

Revisiting memories

Crying

Staying away from scary corners of my mind

Deliberately going toward scariness

Not resisting

Yes resisting

Respecting resistance

Compulsive tv watching

Dropping or letting go over and over again

Exploring

Curiosity

Forgetting and then remembering that it’s all happening on its own, noticing this, knowing this, realizing this

Realizing that realization comes and goes on its own

Being in love with everything

Crying

Playing with time and concepts

Craving emptiness

Love

Catastrophizing

Ranking what "works" (i.e. sleep deprivation is effective), noticing that the metric of “effective” and "works" is = resulting in greater illusions of "forgetting" with a capital F

Loving everything

Being everything

Self-flagellation

Not really believing any of the stories or narratives

Procrastinating

Being irresponsible

Getting off on self-loathing

Forcing intimacy

Compassion, large, whole, unrelenting, everywhere

Oversharing

Falling in love with a homeless person at a traffic stop

Being bored and sad and hopeless and desperate

Remembering inherent wholeness

Being stubborn

Getting out of the way always feels like dying

Loving dying

Loving mourning dying

Dramatizing dying

Wanting to be seen and loved

Self-loathing

Intensity

Craving intensity

Hating craving intensity

Knowing that nothing is a problem

Suffering

Being impatient

Being very very patient

Feeling like I don’t belong in the world, like people and things and money and social media are alien, foreign and scary

Feeling like I am the world

Forgetting that knowing how to verbalize isn’t the same as knowing

Wanting knowing with words to be the same as Knowing

Wanting knowing to be a Real, solid thing

Fear

Mortal fear

Bewilderment

Constant background anxiety

Hating this body

Not caring for this body

Being burdened by this body

Feeling trapped in a body

Feeling more trapped in a mind

Wanting knowing to resolve everything

Wanting to be saved

Thinking that I probably don’t need to be saved

Thinking or knowing(?) there’s nothing to be saved from

Knowing that I can’t be saved

Feeling open

Feeling vulnerable

Feeling exposed

Feeling bad

Feeling like I'm doing it wrong

Believing it all

Wanting to both believe it and have a choice about when, where, and to what extent I believe it

Not knowing where the edge is until I've fallen off

Feeling violated

Feeling like existence is non-consensual

Somehow trusting all of it, totally, exactly as it is

Watching the panicking

More crying

Being one

Being very very aware

Noticing and letting go of effort in one swift move

Compulsive clenching

Compassion

Dissolving

Disillusion

Dying without the novelty

Being ok vey very briefly and for no apparent reason/because of no reason./?

Wanting distraction

Respecting needing distraction

Getting out of the way of intelligent coping mechanisms

Villifying coping mechanisms

Understanding only in retrospect

Frustration

Compassion, deep, like warm water

Compassion, hard, like being ****** vey very slowly

Torture

Life-giving torture

Never wanting to stop

Marveling

Abundance like grace, like not deserving, like not needing to be deserving, like deserving is perverse language

Tasting everything

Endless kaleidoscopes of being and tasting and knowing

Non visual seeing

Clarity, brightness, nothing is a problem

Being alive

Being sososo tired

Wanting to rest, to die into void and nothing

Wanting to hibernate

Wanting to still

Dying to get off

Begging to get off

Finding the edge more thrilling than the center (because then the center can be anything at all?)

Loving all the previous versions of this being

Needing to hate, loathe, earlier renditions of this being

Hating repulsion

Trusting repulsion

Getting stuck because resisting repulsion

Knowing that there's no way out

Knowing that the way out that I'm seeking isn't a way out

Not wanting to do the work

Dancing around the center, constantly

Feeling dizzy with chaos, with knowledge of power

Feeling comfortable with mediocrity

Hating mediocrity

Waking up with jaw tension from the enormity of my own suppressed power

Telling stories about sensations

Relying on self-bullying methods I know don't work

Perfecting the art of pretending

Perfecting the art of self-deception

Wanting to make the stakes higher

Being overwhelmed by my own storytelling

Not wanting to give stories credibility by dispelling them

Naval gazing

Loving philosophy

Feeling dried up, tired, stagnant, disinterested, not engaged, not here.

Sleepwalking. Sleep writing. Sleep talking. Sleep caring

Not sleeping

Vivid dreaming

High weirdness

Questioning my sanity

Romanticizing insanity

Wanting to blur all boundaries

Wanting to smooth the edges of reality

Questioning reality

Destabilizing reality

Feeling destabilized

Feeling irresponsible

Guilt

Feeling sick and tired

Feeling scared

Feeling hopeless

Wanting to reach out

Feeling like everything is inevitable

Feeling like suffering is inevitable

Recognizing kindness

Discerning well (properly? Clearly? Well.)

Fearful trusting

Thinking too much

Not wanting to love my dad as much as I do.

Chasing the intellectual high

Disappointment

No need for resolution

Feeling caught in existence

Feeling caught up. Like in a potato sack; I can explore the exact measure of my confinement, the sensorial elements, the scratchiness, the filtering light from the outside, the stagnation, the wanting to stretch.

I love this being.

This. It's not a problem.

Confusing familiarity with comfort

Confusing comfort with peace

Reifying confusion, but not really

Yielding, on my knees, heart to the sky

Seeing through, like pinholes in a perfectly realistic backdrop

Dispelling everything

Stripping away the Stripping away

Trying to stand still and feel

Wanting to be convinced by rage

Always loving Sad, not despondent, just sad

Feeling continuous

Feeling fragmented

Feeling like motion, like flow

Feeling like thousands of still frames, constant flickering

Grasping at impermanence

Resting in the middle

Dancing down the tightrope

Knowing perfect poise, so so brief

Everything is hysterically funny

Hysterically

But also just plain humorous

And absurd

Loving people

Feeling grateful for people

Seeing beauty everywhere

Always coming back

Like an epic

Like a great love story

Like a violin solo in a forbidden song

Like the last wring of that silk dress you're not supposed to squeeze dry

Knowing the inside of my hand

Knowing teenage shame

Knowing being yelled at, towered over, by my dad, in a narrow
hallway, eyes glued to speckled floor tiles, feeling small, nowhere to go

Loving with my body, with my hands, with my mouth, with my whole entire strong soft body

Crying with tears, and snot, and heaving

Becoming one single, concentrated point

Wanting to envelope everything. Really. Actually. With my body.

I am not this voice

Or this writer

Or this narrator

Though I am also all that

It's knowing.
It's knowing that stalls you.
It's knowing what steps to take.
It's knowing what promises to break.
It's knowing how time should be spent.
It's knowing there will always be regret.
It's knowing what seems perfect is desperation.
It's knowing that there are boundaries for relation.
It's knowing what it means to be a friend.
It's knowing there isn't need to pretend.
It's knowing how to be spacious.
It's knowing how to be gracious.
It's knowing that leads you.
It's knowing,
in the end.

Not knowing if we would have worked out had I stayed in London.
Not knowing if you think about me as much as I think about you.
Not knowing if you ever thought about me all those days apart.
Not knowing if you had also wanted to kiss me that afternoon.
Not knowing if we would be together had I been born a boy.
Not knowing if it is me or my gender that is putting you off.
Not knowing if I will ever get to hold your hand.
Not knowing if I will ever get to kiss you.
Not knowing if I will ever see you again.
Not knowing if I will ever be with you.
Not knowing if I will ever be myself.
Not knowing if I will ever be you.

Right now is a good time to start,
You’re not behind anyone or ahead of anyone,
You’re right where you need to be!
Start now, in this moment…
Look, see, know, be aware…you have everything you need.
Start now.
Right now is a good time to start,
With Faith, Belief in the highest good,
trusting, knowing, doing, Being.
Start now…
Standing in Love, knowing Truth, making conscious choices,
knowing you can make changes if need be.
It is time to start,
lets start right now, in this present moment…
moving forward, higher, trust in yourself,
Knowing…..
Right now it is time to start….
Knowing…You are One with Source/the Creative energy
and Being One with the Creative Energy, you are One with Everything.
Right now is a Good Time to Start.
(it's never to late, your never to old, just do it! 2013 time to be seen!)
~~~~~~~~~~~
Heeeey! How You be's so far? Me...I don't know...huh, don't know. feel okay, still a lil sleepy, gotta get some things in hand and work with it better...I don't know. feeling and sending out a lot of Love this morning. Sooooo, I'll see what comes up and what will be created during the process today.
You, create something Glorious today and have some fun. I'll let you know what comes up, when I know.
have fun, enjoy it all and celebrate everything....Big Smiles!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
today, this morning has be very peaceful for me...so far. Thinking about last week, on Saturday, I was in rehearsal, got a txt for one of the Love's of my life, he had just married is long time Love and I was overjoyed. Then, I got a Christmas card from a friend in LA, letting me know what I mean to her and her life...I was overjoyed. I thought; here I am in Memphis, doing what I Love. My friend/family is joining his Love with his Love and I got my Roses...for knowing that I have made a different and Loved are Roses....The sign...showing me that I am walking forward on this journey. That there is Love in my Life. Love around my Life. That Love is My Life! I stand tall in Gratitude's Light. This day...This week I create Greatness, joy, happiness, light and I Am Love!
I Am Grateful for/to all of You for sharing your life with me and letting me be apart of it! Thank You for staying and being apart of my Life. You...all of You, help to make the journey so Grand with tons of Light! A deep breath here because I am just overwhelm for all that you have given me...you are giving me and the lessons, experiences and adventures you have made with me. I LOVE YOU ALL TONS!!!
Now, get up, get out and DOIT! Do your thang baby because it is and will be GREAT!
~~~~~~
oh, what will this day bring? whatever it is I am ready, it will be good, it will be fun and it will be for me, to use for my highest Good. to receive a lesson and to give a lesson, that is every experience and I am aware and open to learn that lesson and to use that lesson wisely...conscious choice, that's it.
Staying focus, because it would be very easy, not to be. It is all coming together...I ain't come this far to stop NOW! Going to enjoy the day, my choice and it just feels gooooood! groovin' to the sounds and music of the day, listening to what is, knowin' what ain't don't work.Grateful, Thankful and so totally Blessed...releasing it, knowing it is done and Celebrating, knowing that I got It all cause I Got Love..
and so it is.
~~~~~
Change, it happens…can’t stop it…to grow is to change and to change is to grow.
2013 is a year of change for me and I will grow into more Good. It all happens…for the highest Good. Sometimes, it take time to see that Good. I must be aware…focus…open…knowing, working with it all from a place of Love and Truth…ready to take action.
Today, pulling it all in and working with it. Packing some stuff, finishing quilt (yes, coming to the finish line with it…pictures will be seen soon!) Enjoying, Celebrating, letting the boogie move me. I am Loving this day and Loving me and Loving my folks…all y’all…change is good, let’s work with it.
LETS MAKE TODAY THE BOOGIE DAY! Yes, everyone can boogie….
~~~~~~~
Today...looking for the good: that element of good that's in each and everyone of us...keeping my focus there and no matter what happen, what the action I need to take let it come for that point of good that's in me, you and everyone and everything else. As Patti LaBelle would say...A New Attitude. I feel if I come from a place of good, I will bring a lot of...tons of Good with me. Today, no labels, no judgement...looking at The Thing Itself and seeing that place where we are ONE..working with, using it and choosing wisely from that place of Oneness...Laughing, singing, having a Good time and knowing...that as One we can Change things but we must all do Our part...start with Love and Truth.
Now, the music start "....running hot, running cold our senses in over load.....we need a new attitude..." Letting go and staying open to...A New Attitude. Have a Great day and Enjoy...the Fun is only beginning!
~~~~~~
Knowing it is done. Everything, before I speak the words...it is done. Remembering that sometime is hard. All we need do is listen, accepted and follow the action laid out, don't try and change it...just Trust, have Faith and KNOW! It is can be hard at time...when we think we know better. "It is done as YOU believe." Today, double checking what I Believe...What I Know...and listening and following the action.
Today, in this moment...I Trust me! I know the Truth and knowing that we All are One with the Creative Energy, The Universe and Everyone and Everything that is. Seeing the facts, working with them but always, always Living in Truth and Love. I know...It is done, I just need to surrender, Letting go and opening up, taking action toward the Highest and All will, do, has worked out for the Highest Good. I Know this...It is done as I Believe. Oh, That's why I am always Celebrating and hearing...weeeeeeeeee! I know, I Trust, I Love, I Believe, I do the work, I am Grateful, Thankful and soooo Blessed...I AM and shall always BE! Have a Great day...I Am!
~~~~~~~~~
It is time for my Heart to open up and Sing! Today was a bit of a rollercoaster for me but deep breaths and staying with the upward movement, I did what was needed...a small Celebration but a Celebration none the less. Taking moments in silence to here the answers to so many questions running through my head. Staying open and letting go of stuff, making room.
~~~~~
Tomorrow will be a day of focus, seeing the good in it all and connecting...Letting Freedom Ring. Tonight I will surrender stuff up and breathe..quiet time with Curtis C.! ...and then the Blessing flowed with storms of Love. The music grew and the dance of Gratitude and Thanksgiving began...my Heart is at peace...
~~~~~~~~~
Ready: New experiences and adventures, working with all that is here for me right now. Loving every moment and the people I find in those moment, even if they don't want to be Loved. Creating a day one step at a time and having Fun doing it....That's it one step at a time, one choice at a time and knowing everything I need, want and require is here for me...awareness, Love, knowing and Truth, Great tools to work with. Okay, I am going for IT. Lets get this Party started!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~
Change and adventure...adventure and change. That is what's happening right now. Making conscious choices, while going through changes and it is all a Wonderful adventure.
Today, I will see where the adventure leads and I am making the conscious choice to have a Good time with it all...Seeing the facts and working with them, knowing that it is all Goo,d. The really Great thing that is happening, with every step I take, I am shown, reminded, aware and feel all the Love that surrounds me...from everywhere! That is a Wonderful Adventure...to do your thing surrounded by Love! NOW THAT SOME BLESSIN'! I am so Grateful, Thankful and Happy...Thanks!
...and a Good time was had by All and All became aware that they were One, working with and in Love and Truth. Then, the creating and Celebrating just got Bigger and Brighter and they realize that the Good Times, just got Great! It was there All The Time! Have a Great Day!!!!
~~~~
Good Morning! Last night right before going to sleep, I founded out an old friend had made his transition, Jim Montgomery in Shreveport. Even though it had been several years that I had talked to him or seen him I realize he was one of those people, memories, point of references that helped me through many things in my life. His spirit, his lessons, the fact that I could call him...Friend. We did several shows together, shared meals, several Long talks and lots and lots of laughs. We worked at the Newspaper together in Shreveport, a job he helped me get and so, for awhile I saw him pretty much every day and every day he gave me something to help me along, to store away for later use and to just say, its okay, "I'm here if you need." Beside the fact, that you couldn't say Theatre in Shreveport without his name come up. He will be missed, there will be sadness and tears but as we work through the sadness, that feeling of Lost...Lets Celebrate the Life of James Montgomery and that he made a mark on and in our Life. How Grateful I am to know him. How Thankful I am for the Support and Love he gave me and How Blessed I am that He is still with me, that point of reference I can check in with, laughing as I remember the stories he told, wonderful dinners, doing shows in Shreveport with him, talks over wine...the hugs, the Love, the time he said, "I am here with and for you." without saying a word. I am very Happy that James Montgomery IS a part of my life. So, to my friends, no....my family in Shreveport as you work through the sadness, lets Celebrate the Life and the Gifts he gave to US...how Special we are to have had the Jim Montgomery (Uncle Jim) Experience. I Love You and will see you all soon!
~~~~~~
Today, I temporarily give up my office in the nation of Procrast, so I can get my stuff together and see what's going with me back down south. It is not easy but I will, I know, return to office, most likely after the 1st of March. For now it is time to get this act together and take it on the road and see where Spirit leads.
Surrender time...letting go and opening up to possibilities and opportunities...Great Day, I wish it was warmer.....

Imagine looking at a brick building
And intimately knowing
Everything about each brick.
Deep, deep knowing,
Every particle and grit knowing,
Back to the big bang knowing,
Personal with each atom knowing,
Intimate with each electron knowing,
Down to the limits of infinity knowing,
A total embrace knowing,
A bent knee and weep knowing,
Imagine there is but one knowing,
Imagine knowing this!