I can not remember the last time I was truly happy
Every day is like waking up to a monster staring at me
I want to scream and cry, but I remember that monsters are not real,
And that I am only being over dramatic

“Get over it” they say
Don’t tell me to get over it
That tells me that you don’t care
It only makes me so much worse

Just because I act does not mean I am able to act happy all the time
I put on a smile, but on the inside I am scared

I am scared to leave my seat because I think people are talking about me
I am scared to talk in class because I think I will say the wrong thing
I am scared to go to school because I think I won’t be worth anything in the long run

These things I am scared of are only in my head, I know that
But my mind is like that sometimes

The people that I call my friends are like fire
They may seem amazing from far away,
but they have the ability to burn me if I get too close
And that burn won’t go away, no matter how much I try

That burn stains my skin,
And the only difference between real and metaphorical fire
Is that the scar from real fire can be seen by other people

These are the people that make me think they are talking about me
These are the people that make me think I am going to say the wrong thing
These are the people that make me feel like I am not worth anything
But I keep them around because I don’t have anybody else
Now you see why I am scared

The reason I have trust issues is not because my mom broke a promise one time
The reason I have trust issues is because I have been ******* over way too many times

It takes everything in me to close my eyes during bonding games because I do not trust other people around me
The people that I’ve been around for years, I can not trust because I’m scared
I’m scared people will hurt me without me even knowing it

I use self-deprecating humor to hide behind the sadness and pain
It’s ironic really

My loneliness seeps through my pores like chemicals
It paints a picture of perfect pain and poor mental health
I try, I really try to be positive, but sometimes it makes me hurt even more

I know I have friends, but my uncontrollable anxiety and paranoia makes me believe
That none of them want to be around me

Being lonely is like you’re floating through space
Nobody can hear your screaming no matter how loud you are

If you look up in the sky on a clear night you can see the very center of the milky way
It’s a beautiful mix of yellows, and purples, and blues
Almost like a Van Gogh painting
28,000 light years away, but we are still able to see the beautiful mystery on earth

And I’m right in the middle of all of it, but you wouldn’t be able to see me
No, you wouldn’t want to see me

It’s like Saturn’s rings are getting tighter and tighter until I can’t breathe anymore

But do you even care?
Probably not.

Dejected, I've detected
that the things people say
can't make sense anymore;
God, it's hopeless, I'm lost,
and maybe someone out there
can tell me where it went wrong.

I want to believe him,
yes, I do,
but who's the fool here
to think it's true?

Please forgive me,
those of you who come close,
for not taking chances
in letting myself loose;
I'm just frightened
by what I've left behind
and I'm just frightened
of what lies I might buy.

Today
I'm sitting in a hospital room with my mother wondering why I am here. I tense my jaw and ***** my hands because I can't deal with this anymore.

Yesterday
I tensed my jaw as words were spat in anger. Oh how it took to not bite back. I closed my eyes and wished to be away from here.

Last Month
I was pacing back and forwards wondering if this would ever come to an end.

Last Year.
I wrote an email in anger pleading for help. No one answered.

5 Years Ago.
I picked up wine bottles and glasses from the lounge floor. Why was I doing this? Why was I cleaning up her mess?

10 Years Ago
Mummy and her boyfriend were having lots of adult drinks. I like staying up after bedtime.

You can never see as far as outside of here.
Just money signs ring in your ears.
It is sad. 42 and never left.  
You think money stops your every move, but no. Your mind does.
Your negative thoughts and attitudes sting; poisons your mind.
And through and through you can never leave here.

Everything in your mind stops you. It is sad. Very. You don’t see experiences or memories you see loss, the minus sign in your transaction.
Which is ironic because the minuses from cigarettes, **** and PlayStation don’t seem to hurt as bad. Funny isn’t it.
Funny how you value **** over fortune.

It’s at the point where cigarettes costs the same as a whole week of groceries.
It’s at the point where my heart breaks and I want to scream because my mind is on fire.
It’s at the point where you complain and I can’t take it anymore.
You blame and you blame other people, but never yourself. I can’t I just can’t do it anymore. I really can’t.

Stop blaming me. Please stop. It has never been my fault. Do not blame this on me.
How come you can scream and yell, but I can’t? How; why am I silenced?
You created this. You did this to yourself.  I want to scream, but no matter what it is silenced. You are pathetic.
It's at the point where I can't handle you anymore.