Maybe it is the slow beats
Humming from my headset
Maybe it is the nap
I took today
Maybe it is the painting I look at
Reminding me every day of you
Reminding me to take breaks
Never end it
Take breaks
Never end it
You left
I never got to say good bye
Now I do it everyday
I was angry
It is ok
I was angry
And It is ok
I am allowed to be *******
Even though your six feet under
Well, there are ashes from what I know
I didn't get any
Odd, yes I wanted some
Something to have , to look at
Something to register
With the grey that is within
Something to look at
And know this is real
It still doesn’t feel real
How can it not ?
After 3 years
I look at pictures
I hear music
Your words are still in my head
I know you will be ok
You are strong
Everyone tells me I am strong
Yes
I am
Yes
Do I always want to be
No
No
No
Can someone reach into the depth of me
Set me free
Allow me to longer be
In grief
In grief
Still can’t believe
Still can’t believe
You left me
You left me
Spare me the story
Of the pain
We all have some
I am not going anywhere
Even though some days
I feel you calling me
To join you
No
I won’t
I won’t
I am strong
I still want to cry
Is that okay ?
Yes that is okay
I want to rewind
Rewind to that one day
You told me how you were feeling
I didn't really listen
Now my ears are wide open
With silence
You bring me silence
I know you would have anyway
I know you would have anyway
Have to tell myself all the time
It doesn’t stop me from wishing
I had said something
Something
Even though I know you would have anyways

Ah, what a life for me!
Everything and nothing—
both to the extreme!

his words destroy me
he beats me till i'm blue
he knows i want to be free
he's stuck to me like glue

he stands on top of me when i'm down
even though he knows that i can't breathe
he swallows me up until i drown
his abuse is killing me

he laughs at me when i fall
when he's the one doing the tripping
he never lets me stand tall
its my self esteem that he's gripping

he tells me only lies
i have no choice but to listen
he tells me i'm growing a size
now my health's under demolition

he says nobody really likes me
he says i'm stupid and i'll fail
he laughs at every hopeful plea
he says i'll break my scale

he beats me till i'm black and blue
then he laughs if i bleed
i'm starting to think that it's all true
now i know i can't be freed

A question? A response.
He leads her onto the floor.
A thought? A wonder.
"It's crazy how someone-i(m)p(e)rfect-could feel so perfect in this moment."
A move? A dance.
He sways her into his arms.
A desire? A plea.
"If only he realized-finally-
that I only wanted this moment."
A pause? An end.
She sighs...

A question? A response.
He lead her onto the floor.
An action? An excitement.
He didn't even know.
A move? A dance.
She wanted to be in his arms.
A smile? A plea.
She only wanted this.
A pause? An end.
Thank you...

I'm sorry ...
Sorry for letting everyone
Walk all over you
Like a piece of trash

Sorry for making you feel like trash
As if you're nothing more
Than a slave
To the life I've made for you

Sorry that you cry
When the anxiety becomes too much
But sorry that I hide it
The second someone comes that could help

I'm sorry
That I made someone like you
Not want to live
With anxiety
Like a slave
Like a piece of trash

Like a human being

My body is numb, completely soulless,
The words in my head escaped
floating around cause i forgot to close it
I could've avoided this
Instead I'm stuck with my choices
These days all i do is deal with the
Consequences and repercussions
Hitting me twice as hard than in the moment,
What do you expect? I'm only human--
I enjoy a drink or two it's not a secret
I was drawn to you but i should've followed
The vibes i got from you the first day
Let **** pass because i didn't want to upset you
You pushed me away
Then try to keep me inside your pocket..
That's when i put myself first,
Gave myself happiness
I created it, i prayed for it, i worked for it,
i try my hardest to keep it..
And you roll around with lies to trap me
Inside your spider web,
You lean forward for a kiss
That's when i said no..
So quickly you apologized
I should've left should've never waited
Should've walked out that door
& never looked back
At least then i wouldn't feel these
knots Inside my abdomen ,
Creating an ulcer that's stressin me out
Dealin with you and your families harassment..
Every day you try to reach out
I don't want your words
I just want to be left alone
You hurt me in the worst way possible
I was a friend and you took advantage..
I can't escape you, and you're deliberately
Breaking me down more and more
Is this what happens when i say no?
Did i owe you some part of me?
Is that why you took it upon
Yourself to take it?
I just need some answers since
I'm the one stuck with this.
-M.

It's a depressing night. I'm alone.

Remember my first entry, that I couldn't express myself? It translated through my writings.

It's hard, really. It's my first ever contest and I don't want to waste the opportunity given. But you see, it's hard to imagine yourself fighting a war you know you will loose.

Some may say, at least you fought trying. Well EFF that. It matters most and it's sentimental if you fought for something you truly love, but in my case it isn't. I love my org but never this genre.

Maybe I could, but time wouldn't permit.

I could try another genre where I could say I could fight my best and I could do my all to really best all the contestants. At least by this genre I could feature my very best. Winning or loosing, it will really matter because it's what I like.

There's a big difference.

And I thought a leader could talk me out through this depressing state, with all the expertise and experience.

But I think not.

He is with me on the notion of quitting. I guess it truly is the right decision. Who knows?

Give me a moment of silence and I couldn't defend myself. Give me encouragement and conversation; and maybe, just maybe, I could try and weigh things out and be the selfless and just contestant everyone is thinking of.