dear you,
i don't know where to start this. you came into my life at the most opportune time, when my heart was open and i was ready. you spoke the loveliest words i have heard from someone's mouth, the connection between us something i could not begin to describe.
your soul touched mine in the weirdest way, a way i was not sure i could feel again. the conversations into the early hours of the morning are something i can recall; soon you just became a part of my life. wake up, shower, talk to you, work, go home, talk to you, sleep.
you became so important to me. and before i knew it, the feelings i felt for you were real, and so tangible. much more than the innocent friendship i thought it was...i did not tell you, though. i thought the feelings were not mutual.
you kindled something in me that sparked a flame, something buried underneath of the rubble left from people before you touched my soul. you made me feel something again that i thought had died, with the others that have left me.
one drunken confession led to the admission of feelings to each other...and the message from your significant other made it crash to the ground, in my eyes. did you care, though? no. six and a half years with her and you wanted something new, wanted new skin to place your lips upon.
the conversations were no longer just small chat, a lot deeper and less appropriate. i cherish every single conversation i have ever had with you, every beautiful word pouring out of your mouth like a faucet spewing out letters onto the ground, onto my feet.
i found someone, someone i could be held by at night while you held your lover. he was beautiful, and after more drunken words you let me know that you did not care for the way his eyes lingered on me, his hands touching the soft curves of me. i lost interest in him...for you. a man who already had a woman on his arm, someone to say "i love you" to every morning. some would consider that selfish, on your part, telling you that you cannot have both while holding onto the other.
i am not sure if i am the other, or if it is her.
the moment our lips met, the moment your fidelity turned black, i knew something in me had changed. i do not regret what i did; no, i do not regret how ravenous i felt when you touched me. i understand most people think about how terrible i am for it, but it was not one sided, darling. i know you feel it, too.
it would be a daft statement to say that i am in love with you. you are almost unattainable, to me, and yet...i cannot seem to find my way back from you. but i do think i love you. i am not sure in what way, all i know is that i believe i am. a man does not tenderly touch my heart like you do without leaving a trace of yourself behind.
the only question i have is if you love me too. and currently, my heart is hurting because i do not know if we are the thing we are, anymore. if we are not, then here is a goodbye to you. just know that a man like you cannot deny the connection between us.
i know you will probably never read this, and i do not expect you to. but just know that you have changed me in a way that i cannot begin to explain. and if we never talk again, if everything has gone to ash, i will remember you somewhere in the deep pit of my heart.
i love you. wholeheartedly and irrevocably.
something i've needed to write to him for a long, long time.
