Elusive idealization—
I yearn for it,
beguiled by its seminal scope.

I dig my fingers into its flesh
as my past pulls me back in
with cold, frayed hands,
seeking to drown me
in a chamber of oblivion—
until the end of time.

Or so it seems;
as every mirage has its day,
and reality is no exception—
the construct of constructs
we all imagine at once.

Regardless of the outcome,
I will see you all again
under the ground.

and suddenly,
a burst of sunset licks the tops of the buildings
i am a young lady wearing silk
that dips down below my hips and my knees
he’s wearing black leather
tailored suit and wrinkled button-down
he leads me up to the rooftop
on spiraling staircases twisting fate inside their creaks
he drapes his suit jacket over my shoulders
as the dusky chill sweeps between our bodies
my hand clutched in his
resting my head on his powerful chest
the riviera unraveling the stealthy secrets of night
little sweat beads cling to our foreheads
the dry air enters our mouths
and we are speaking so eloquently
in different languages
swallowing our egos
as a haze splits the atmosphere
and i start to see your brown eyes fill with reminiscence
the moon caught in your eyes
like your pupils are the ocean waves
and their changing tides
and i’m smiling with my eyes
with my cheekbones
and i’m laughing at every single one of your jokes
and i don’t feel alone
and suddenly,
i’m wading in the water up to my ankles
and you’re grasping my hand
as if you’d never even think to let go
and i’m splashing around like a overgrown child
frolicking as you stare at me with such peace
and contentment
your embrace comes over me like the foamy waves
and i don’t hesitate

I recognize my privilege.
I recognize my uselessness.
I recognize my inability to function.
I recognize that I may not be capable/disabled physically. But I am emotionally and mentally.

Though most of the voices are dimmed and quieter than before. They are not gone.

I feel them at the back of my mind.
Pressing at the barrier that is inforced by medication.

My self-loathing is stronger than ever though.
At every and one situation where I keep failing them.
At every and one situation where I keep being a disappointment.
At every and one situation where I am a disgrace to my mother's memory.

I know I am garbage.
I know I am worthless.
I know I am privileged
And Gods do I know I don't deserve anything I have.

Maybe I am proving that ***** right.

But the thing is.
I didn't ask for this.
For whatever broken thing that makes my DNA.
I didn't ask for this existence. This life.

I must have done something terrible in my past life to have been born so broken and in disrepair in this one.

I want to throw up. I want to die.
I don't want to be a part of this collective.
I don't want to breath anymore.
Let me drown.
Let me break my body into pieces against hard asphalt.
Let me suffocate in a car filled with gas.
Let me hang from a tree in the most secluded part of the park.
Let me drink the poisons under the sink.
Let me starve myself until my heart gives.
Let me burn underneath the hot sun until only the crows come to great me.
Let me fall from the highest point of a cliff.
Let me drink all the pills in the bottles to numb me to sleep.
Let me slit my veins vertically across my arms.
Let me puncture an artery so I may bleed out.

Let me
Let me
Let me
LEt mE
LeT Me
LET ME

Let me breathe into the icy tundras of the north where my lungs will freeze and toes will turn blue.
Let the bite of a most wondrous creature in the humid south taking me into fevered dreams.
Let me bite the built so I swallow it whole and paint the walls, red, pink, grey, and wet.

Cant, you just let me pass on and away?

"No," says the instinct to self preserve the only thing that keeps me tied to this place.

I don’t love you
I love a reflection of you
a version of you
that appears to be you
but is not you

I don’t know you
not anymore
I knew you
when you knew me
when you cared to know me
but that is not you

I've never been good with words
Each thought is from lyrics heard
Losing myself in every piece
Till they all become a part of me
Or am I these things I've never written?
Only ideas that stir from somewhere hidden


Inside my own head, trapped, as my mouth works silently
Trying to speak, violently


I wonder what it's like to be somebody else
How hard is it to think for one's self?
I'm back at this familiar place
Yet nothing ever feels the same
Nothing ever feels the same


Have I just become you?
I've idolized everything you do
Every syllable you sing,
From the sound of your voice to your eyes shining.
My obsession is me
My obsession is me

And I must say,
It feels so good to be so lost.

My love.
My fervent darling from above.
Submerged by your
eyes that scream,
with boiling passion,
"I am not worth this."
Whether you are, or not,
your mind,
being as fragile as it is invincible,
is worthy of spawning a universe.
Dazed,
not by agony,
but by the confusion itself,
will not separate purity
from the perilous journey
we undergo.
I beg to find anything other than
an agonizing defeat.
Searching endlessly,
has become a necessity.
Grant me eternity.
I'm mesmerized by
moments of you,
unadorned.
Seeing through fog,
blemishes no part of the sky.
I open my heart and get filled by
another one that digs deep.
Troubled and withdrawn,
I am nothing but a whisper,
"I love you."
Pain is a facade for sanctity.
Pain is a facade for sincerity.
There is escape from suffering,
but looking for it caused more.
But now, I am at peace in a world of
horror.
Everything looks bright,
so bright.
I wish I could see through your eyes,
just to feel,
for one moment,
how it feels to see the world through such beauty.